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2016-07-13 15:35:10 (UTC)


"Well-Dressed" by Hop Along [I like this song – it has a weird shape??]

Well-dress but walking
In the wrong direction
My disordered road always led straight back into you

[I really love this band]

July 14, 2016 Thursday 10:48 AM

I can never sleep right when I'm at Lily's. Last night, it took me til 4 AM (probably) to fall asleep. I was awake all the way through Friends and then Fresh Prince of Bel Aire and then George fuckin Lopez.

So I'm very tired. I got around 4 or 5 hours of sleep.

Weird dreams where I might've been a boy, and I was in a mansion, about to leave Earth with three other people because the world was ending. When that didn't work out, I started climbing through the stars, which for some reason made up the mansion walls.

"Space cave," Alexis called it when I told her about the dream.

Which it was.

Lily's boyfriend showed up. I told him, "I can never sleep right at Lily's house."

He said, "Oh, really?" and then I showed him around the space cave. There were plenty of ladders, nooks and crannies, magical places, stars on the walls.

Space cave, is where I wish I still lived, and I believe the horror of going to that cold place in the walls was caused by hours of listening to Lore and Welcome to Night Vale.

That's how I found this song and another one that goes, "c-c-c-cocaine."

I am lonely, but also not. I am content, but also not.

Tomorrow is the Modest Mouse concert. I am excited. Also worried. I saw this thing on tumblr:

"i hate that feeling u get when you're watching a movie or a concert or something and even though youre thoroughly enjoying it theres still something in the back of ur mind thats kinda like 'ok i kinda wish this was over now' does anyone else get that feeling.... no... ok"

I'm glad this is a thing.

Well, no. It sucks.

I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling this thing.

When I'm at a party. With friends. Reading. Etc. Etc.

(Only thing that doesn't feel that way – writing. Because writing is weird. Writing is something alive, and it can be mean, and therefore is not something experienced so much as it is interacted with and: dear writing. Don't be a bitch)

So. Anyway. Modest Mouse. I will probably imagine enjoying it more than I actually will. Because I love Modest Mouse so, so, so much. But, I dunno. It's hard to feel like it's real. Especially with the venue being so big. I wish I could see them in a tiny, back-of-the-bar concert. Those are the ones that touch you, but alas. They're too famous.

Me and my sister don't have great seats. Liv has a better seat the block ahead of us.

I believe Mr. Sandwich is in, like, the VIP section. I dunno. He's hardcore about his music.

Oh shit. I forgotta take my medication.

I am not a very good friend. I am waiting for the day that Adrian tells me off. Wait, no I'm not. 'Cause he never would. He's not very confrontational. Neither am I.

He backs off. Eventually. Adrian has backed off. I don't know how I feel about that.

Being a naturally solitary human being is lame. But I can't make myself want anything else. Which is confusing, because I want to want somehting else????!?!!? the fuck. But okay. I've been complaining about that for awhile.

Brennan wants to see Liv and me.

I do not think this will happen. Maybe it should. I feel guilty, I don't wanna leave him hanging.

I don't even know why I don't wanna hang out with Brennan. He's a cool guy. The surface stuff I've come up with this:

He's maybe turning sixteen this year. Or maybe he just turned fifteen.

I'm, meanwhile, gonna be a senior and I already don't have a ton of time for the friends I already have because I'm bad at juggling shit.

Brennan is cool. He just lives too far away. We don't communicate consistently enough which, okay, is 65% my fault. I just don't see the point in spending time together, dragging out the end of a very short-lived friendship.

"Let's hang out soon."


But, like. Dude, I'm automatically a liar. Leave me alone.

Sometimes, Lily and Marina's friendship strikes me as Old. They seem so Old. Already.!!! I think they've just done more than I have. I am vaguely jealous. Mostly fascinated. Pretty much wishing I could be a wall. Watch 'em.

It's reALLY hot.


7:03 PM

My dad held up the end of our car charger, smiling and pointing it at my mom. "Do you think that if the cops saw me, they'd shoot?" And I guess it sorta does look like a gun, if you ignored the thick cable streaming from the end annnnddd took the liberty of assuming it was forged on an alien planet.

Mom said, "No, 'cause you're white."

He went, "Oh, that's right."

Depressing thing of the day: this crap has gotten so ridiculous that it is now the low-hanging comedy fruit.

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