A lady in the crowd
2016-07-08 06:43:42 (UTC)

Losing My Sense of Self.

My sixth sense tells me something isn't quite right... The inner feeling in my gut knows something's missing. I've been extremely distant from my religion and my faith in God is almost completely lost. Knowing that I'm unsure about my beliefs makes me depressed and I'm filled with disappointment. Only I know how much anger I have against myself... I shouldn't be so hard on myself but that's easier said than done. I'm still trying to forgive myself.

I'm no religious nut, but I'm a firm believer that everyone needs to believe in something- even atheist have their own beliefs. Then there's me stuck between the frozen limbo; unsure if heaven or hell even exist. Is there a higher power watching over us? The thought that there is a God use to bring comfort and order in my life. It's what stopped my anxiety attacks and it prevented me from doing wrong countless of times. Now I look at myself and I'm disgusted. Look at this hideous disgrace standing before me in front of the mirror.

Order needs to be restored. For now I'll follow my family's beliefs but in the future I need to get in touch with my Chinese culture. I'm curious about Daoism and Buddhism, so I shall follow my intuition by looking into both and deciding which one is meant for me.

But tonight I'll open up my families Bible and when I read it, I'll remind myself that this absent feeling means religion still matters to me. That my faith isn't as strong as it use to be before, but by putting in my own time and effort I can get in touch with my spiritual side again. Tomorrow I'll make a few phone calls and I'll invite my church group to visit just like good old times.

~Yours Truly,