company in my back
"Company in my Back" by Wilco
Under your bended knee
And I will always die
I will always die
I will always die
So you can remember me
I move so slow, a steady crushing hand
Holy shit there's a company in my back
July 12, 2016 Tuesday 2:44 PM
I feel really, really shitty.
I'm not sad. Like, really, nothing is bothering me in particular. I'm not annoyed with anyone and I'm not angry with the world and everything should, for me, be fine.
I've probably said this before, since it is always this sensation but: it's like I've been gutted. Maybe by a grapefruit spoon... But someone came and scooped my organs out and there's nothing in that space.
THINGS I DON'T WANT TO DO:
Listen to music.
I think this might've been leaning.
Like, I know that on Friday there was a short period in which I felt sort of... frustrated for almost no reason. But that went away very quickly. Saturday was fine, Sunday was fine, Monday was less fine but only because night wasn't great.
My parents were fighting, and sometimes I'd fight with them too, and just. It was not pleasant.
(I was also thinking last night that it's peculiar that I actually get disappointed when I feel my dad isn't excited enough about the things I've accomplished. He loves me and is probably proud of me and all that.)
But besides all the external stuff, I've noticed myself being kinda raw lately. Little things scrape at me. I get very surprised at the emotional pain that such little moments can cause me. Yes. I think it's been like this for a week. There's a chance I am imagining it, though. I don't know, I don't know.
So... yeah, anyway, I guess this is to be expected? I'll look back in this diary to see when my last gross-feeling episode-y thing was.
I don't want to keep writing, but if I stop, I'll have to find something to keep me from thinking and I don't want to do anything. I don't like sitting still, though. I'm angry, on some level, with this state of being. It's like being defeated. I didn't even realize I was fighting anything??? Ha..
I haven't missed any doses.
I have had coffee every day so it's not like I'm going through caffeine withdrawal or something, which is basically just tired-ness (it gets me down sometimes when I suddenly stop drinking the tons of caffeine I can normally tolerate).
I'm on my period, but that means it isn't PMS or anything because that happens before periods. And also, I'm fairly positive that I've felt this before on weeks that are neither pre-period nor post-period.
Maybe Peer Leadership threw me out of whack.
I don't care what caused it, I just want it to stop.
I'm so bored. Sooooo bored and my brain doesn't want to do anything and god fucking damn GOD.
I may or may not appreciate human contact at this moment. I don't know. It doesn't sound terrible, but I think it might get to be too much for me very quickly, with me being so flat.
I guess I'll just do my assignment for Creative Writing. I so desperately don't want to write anything sad or, whatever, relatively angsty but like????? I am so dead. I'm pretty sure that's the only thing I understand right now.
I am very small in the head.
(I normally like myself, but sometimes I just. Really hate that I am like this. It feels pathetic and how is it, that after all this time, I still don't know how to deal with it?? Or get it to go away?? Or whatever.
I don't want to be me.
Ohhhh Appassionata is playing and it's nice. It's so stormy. It makes me want to not think about this anymore, because alongside this music, the thoughts are crazy-dramatic haha.)
I can't really... figure out how to accurately describe what is going on in my head right now. It's, yeah, empty but it hurts. I'm incredibly uncomfortable, fidgeting everywhere.
I'm just restless and distant and. Nothing touches me and god damn it.
That's good enough, I guess.
I, I, I.
Hate it all, and sorry. Sorry. Very sorry. All full of shit. Okay.