✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2016-07-12 19:00:44 (UTC)

Out Of Sync

Dear Reader,

I feel so stupid.

Josh and I got into another fight... Not long after we had one on our 6th month mark.

It pisses me off how fucking stable and calm my head is after we fight. I mean, shouldn't it be even more chaotic? It pisses me off how sure I am... How much I want him afterward.. I don't understand it. Why when I have him, I'm not sure.. But when I don't have him... I'm sure?


This recent fight broke my heart...
And I think it's ruined everything.

I've never fought like that before...
I opened up to Nick about what happened and he said it depressed him because he said it was so toxic. He told me he thinks we should break up.

I think he thinks I'm crazy for staying...

Josh has been busy for awhile.. Hardly had time to talk. And that started fucking with my head.. I jumped to conclusions, got paranoid.
I used Whisper to vent out my doubts and worries and concerns.. Because I couldn't tell nick, and Josh wasn't online.. And I wanted to show him the whispers like I did before.. Because that seemed to work out.

I was depressed the night I wrote them and I didn't have an outlet for it all in my head... So I made whispers.. I planned on showing him at some point. I didn't think it would have been a bad thing. I cried as I wrote them. As soon as I wrote one.. It was like the flood gates had opened.. And I just started writing them out one by one... For about an hour or so.. Until I felt empty and sleepy.
It helped me..

The last few fights all began from me telling him I was low... and also he's gotten mad at me before because his advice wasn't helping..

Which is why I was hesitant to tell him this time. I waited a few days because of that but also because he was busy and distant.. So I was waiting for a good time when he'd be around.

I thought we could talk when I got home from my uncles the other day.. But he left right after I got home which really put me down...

He was really nice to me that morning because I think he picked up on me being upset over his absence.
We skyped and I was okayish at first.. But I remembered that he said something that kinda triggered it.
He said he wanted to get back into a normal sleep schedule.. Which.. We're five hours apart, and I only have certain windows of time that I have to talk to him anyway.. And he's been busy with other things... Which I thought meant even less time.

That triggers the paranoia
"That means he doesn't want to make time for you"
"He doesn't miss you or think about you during the day"
"He isn't excited to see you or talk to you, because if he was he'd want to skype more.. "
"He's tired of you.. He's bored of you"
"He's probably talking to someone else which is why he doesn't have time for you"
"You're dragging him down"
"You're not important for him anymore. He'd miss college just so he could Skype with you more... But now he won't even pause a video to talk to you.. "

Yes I'm aware of how crazy all of that is...
I know... That's just how my brain works.

I started staring off.. He was asking me if I was okay and I nodded. But only because I didn't know what to do. I wanted to tell him what was in my head but I didn't know where to begin. I was on my iPod and Ive noticed how shitty I am at trying to vent with my voice... I'm a complete stuttering mess. I just don't feel like I get my point across. I started thinking of the whispers. I thought that he was
My brother was going to leave so I could have the laptop. So I got off skype and told him I was low...

And I asked if I could send him some whispers.. And he said I could.
So I went though and sent all of them.

He took a bit to respond and I was afraid something in some of them upset him so I started apologizing.

He responded that he wasn't upset.. But he wanted to shout at so many of them because they were caused by me...

I remember my eyes widening when I read that...
Like.. Did he just say all of these problems were my fault?

This really hurt me... I was so upset.
Like really? I'm depressed and worried and the last thing I needed was for him to tell me it was my fault I felt that way.

And I started defending myself..
He said I do things that cause this crap my head..
Which isn't true.. The things I do are BECAUSE of the stuff in my head. They're spawns of the issues, not the creators of the issues.

And we started arguing about that.
And it all went down the road from there.

We said things we shouldn't have.. Maybe..

I said horrible things I wish I didn't.

He brought to my attention my flaws...
Like sex is a problem... He said he felt like I don't care about his issues or opinions..

After the argument.. It was weird.

I felt fine?
Like.. I tried going back to normal. Don't know why..
It pissed me off.. Because I don't think there's going back to normal.

We're still calling each other sweet names.. And he lets me touch him.. But he won't touch me.

I miss his touch..

We haven't talked about the fight yet.. I know we should but I'm kinda glad we haven't yet. I don't know what to say.. Or what we'll decide to do. I know fighting is normal in a relationship... But I don't know if it's normal for the to be about the relationship.

I know where all the stuff in my head comes from..
And I said it in the worst way possible in the argument.

It's fomo. It's fear that he's not the one.
It's fear that this isn't going to work...
It's fear I'm too immature or just not capable of feeling of knowing what love is like. It's fear that I may not love him the way he loves me.. Or the way I might never feel. All of this other shit in my head stems from this... It's in the back of my head.. Always tripping me up. It makes me doubt my feelings.. Triggers my anxiety and depression... It's constantly saying that I'm just kidding myself or lying to myself when I say that I want to be with him. It's constantly nagging at me.... And I don't know if it's a valid sign, or just another insecurity... And I've tried explaining it to him in the past and I have a little bit.. But never in detail. Because I was afraid.

I told him we weren't right for each other.. That I didn't want a relationship with him anymore...
And what I meant was that.. I don't want a relationship right now at all with anyone...
I'm too unstable... I'm too doubtful.. I'm too broken.. Too insecure.
I don't belong in a relationship right now.. I don't know when I'll be ready.

I wish I could have had time to be single... I wish I could have found a job and made friends... I wish I could have had sex.. And dated people.. Men and women. Make connections and disconnections..
Learned more.. Experienced more..
Before I met Josh...

That way I would know.. That way I wouldn't feel like this.. I wouldn't lean on him for everything.. I wouldn't be so insecure.
I'd know what I want and I'd know what to do...

But that's not what happened.

I don't want to lose him... I do care about him. I do want him in my life... But I don't want to hurt him.

Right now I just feel so annoying...
I feel like he hates me or wishes he didn't have to talk to me.
He's still busy.. Because it's taking a long time for him to respond. I'm trying to deal with that.

There's other issues in his life right now and I want to help...
I want to improve.. He told me that I'm just not doing my part... And I want too.

But I feel like we're just so out of sync with each other...
I don't know how things will go from here...
I don't know if we'll be able to reconnect or get better..
I wish we could start over.

But I don't know if that's possible right now.

I don't know if he's forgiven me for the things I said...
I don't know if I have either. Nick told me we swept too mxh under the rug and now we're both tripping over it.

I just hope whatever happens..
I hope it's best for him.
I just want him to be happy.

Sincerely,
LostConnection




Ad: