--J

Your friendly Neighborhood Basketcase
2016-07-09 08:51:04 (UTC)

It's been a while

Reading some of my entries from here is eye opening like I'd hoped it would be... It's also depressing. I wish I wouldn't have been right. I was wrong about some things, though.

I lost my car. Woohoo. Not surprised. My mother has continued to blame her problems on me and not be even remotely supportive. I don't understand her at all. I hate talking to her. I love my car, but I don't think I'll ever get it back.

I think about my best friend who passed. I feel mostly numb about it now. I miss her still. A large part of me died with her. A lightness and ease that only she was able to get out of me...

I know I was a bad friend and that she had better friends she deserved. Thankfully, I was not her best friend. I don't believe in an afterlife... Still, I'm glad the suffering is over for one of us.

My boyfriend and I are still struggling in our own "special" ways. I supposed in that I mean we have real life problems, but we are also real pieces of work. I love him.

I do, but goddamn if he isn't hard to put up with sometimes. I know I'm not much different. It's strange to resent and be grateful towards someone all at once. I guess that comes with the territory of love and committed long-term relationships. It would seem so for most of mine at least. (Romantic or not.)

I feel better when I write. I don't know why I don't more. I think I do actively, but subconsciously, sabotage myself. Often.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my fucked up childhood and how I'm still being rocked to the core and shocked in ways that it's warped and crippled me. It's hard to grow up abused. Hard because that's just been your life. How are you supposed to know the difference until you experience any difference at all? What if you never do?

And so many things get repressed and buried. It's unfair that they still affect you and just pop up whenever they damned well please. How am I supposed to juggle my present life period, but my tormenting past one as well?

And christ if I don't feel ignorant all the time. It's like I've regressed... ??? I used to be smart. I was even ahead of the game. I know I was. As arrogant as I may have been about it I was not even remotely dull... hell it feels like a diffent life on a different planet, but it wasn't that long ago...

Now I'm dull and dumb and goddammit I can hardly remember a thing. This is better I think? Is it? I can't live without the medicine, but it's killing me just as much as my mental illnesses are. If not more. I end up in the hospital if I miss a couple of doses of Effexor XR. I wish I could quit it. It's ruining my stomach and doesn't help my depression at all anymore.

I just wish I could do something. I feel smothered. Every option I can find is bullshit and if something might work it immediately gets screwed up for me.

I've become someone I don't want to be. At all. My neighbors walk inside when they see me come out. I think it's because my boyfriend antagonizes me when we're outside and dammit if I can't resist an argument. I'm not proud of it. It's just who I am. I do not take things lying down. Not unless I'm not just soul consumingly depressed.

I just want to make money. I need it. No one else is helping me but my boyfriend and he is miserable because we don't live in the kind of world where people have a fair chance anymore. Especially off of minimum wage and I'll be hoenst my dogs fuck us out of a lot of options, but god I love them so much.

They mean so much to me and they help me so much and I can't bare the thought of them being alone and confused and possibly even out somewhere being hurt and abandoned. It kills me. Besides, as soon as we can figure something out again it will be fine. Like it was. And they are ok right now. We have our basic needs met. Even if only just barely.

We just have to power through somehow. I don't know how anymore. I'm not sure I ever did, though. Which sounds like me. I've always been a go with the flow person. When does spontaneity cross the line into impulsivity?

This has been surprisingly long. I could keep going. Blabbing probably. Ooops.

I really just want to wake up and get things done. I'm doing better again. Not where I was. Not at all, but I believe I've weathered the emotional and chemical bipolar disorder induced setbacks that my aunt's and best friend's deaths spiraled me into.

I just wish life would give me the smallest of breaks. Please fucking anything give me just one small space to breathe in.

I'm going to draw tomorrow. Make more calls. Fill in more applications. My brothers already need me. I know they will even more in the future given our "parents" track records. It's not changing. I hoped so much it would. It seems to only have worsened. I feel so guilty. So, so guilty.

I can't die. Not until they're ok. Not until my boyfriend is ok. Not until the dogs are ok. And not as long as I don't know they'll keep being that way. I have to keep going.




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