Traumatized

Psychologically fucked
2016-07-08 02:54:32 (UTC)

Lonely

Its so confusing when you want to be alone but dont want to feel lonely.
It doesnt matter if its all in my head or if its a reality...what matters is thats how i feel. I feel like an outcast right now. Im the bent puzzle piece that just doesnt fit in anymore. I distance myself from everyone. I dont want to be the problem everyone has. Im like an emotional parasite draining everyones energy and feelings. So Im trying my best to keep to myself. I cry and I move on. This is how its supposed to be right? I dont think im any good to anyone. Sometimes i just want to be held but i dont want to be touched. What kind of sense does that make. I feel broken beyond repair. I feel so useless and unworthy. I feel like im not a person. The feeling doesnt go away. I imagine what my funeral would be like. I dont want anything extravagent. I beg that when i die nobody buys me a headstone. Just let me die and be one with the earth and then forget about me. Thats what id want. A purple casket with silver trim it can come from walmart. I want I told the storm by greg Oquin to be played or sang by my cousin tiffany...and that other song i like "i pray we will all be ready i pray we all will be ready, i pray that we get our business straight so we can all meet at the gate" i know thats a silly song to play at the funeral of someone who killed themself, clearly i wasnt ready and i aint meeting nobody at no damn gate. My friend branden killed himself. Everyone was mad at him but i wasnt. I respected the decision he made for himself. When you lose control over your whole life i can only imagine it would feel great to be able to control your own death. It feels like i have no control right now...but i can control what time i die. Where i die. Fuck it, fuck a funeral. Donate my body to science. I can help other people if i donate my body to science. I wonder if people with cancer can tell when they are about to die. If they brace themselves and prepare. People with depression can tell when theyve reached that point of no return. I can feel it. Its a hopeless feeling. The only reason you havent quit yet is just because your afraid. Im sure if i swallowed enough liquid courage i could get my car into that river without panicking and hitting the brake. Im just too scared to get that drunk right now. Its a process...just like cancer i suppose. I guess dr catching is supposed to be like chemo therapy. I feel like my house is hospice. Nobody really knows what to say to a dying person. I feel like a dying person. I wonder if anyone really notices that im dying. If your suicidal does that mean you are dying?
Back to my feeling of dying to live when youre just living to die and then fighting to livr when ur just living to fight.
I feel like im dying. Its a terrifying feeling.




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