LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2016-07-07 21:43:34 (UTC)

Nothing That Is Worth Anything (Except For That One Thing)


"At My Window, Sad and Lonely" by Billy Brag & Wilco


July 7, 2016 Thursday 8:40 PM


I wanted to write but am empty, so instead I'm going to relay a bunch of lists I've been keeping on my phone for a year or two (I've posted some of them before). So yay.

Some of these things aren't actually lists. They're just notes I've taken on the world around me. Sometimes I like to remember weird things.

For the most part, stuff written in brackets is freshly added. I also added punctuation, since I wrote many of these as quickly as I could manage and. Well, style fell through the cracks.

-----

All Time Favorite Songs


Head South by Modest Mouse
Ocean of Noise by Arcade Fire
There, There by Radiohead
Carry the Zero by Built to Spill
Randy Described Eternity by Built to Spill
Barnacles by Ugly Casanova
Ionizes and Atomizes by Modest Mouse
Interstate 8 by Modest Mouse
Dramamine by Modest Mouse
Terrible/Perfect by Built to Spill
To Roads To Go, To Roads To Go by Ugly Casanova
Despite What You've Been Told by Two Gallants
Chelsea Hotel No. 2 by Leonard Cohen

-----

NAMES I LIKE (continuation of a list I already put up, on Dec. 31)


Kyle
Isaac
Charlotte
Marvin
Simon
Emery
Martin
Charlie
Gunther
Thomas
Lorna

-----

WORDS I LIKE ('nother continuation)


Banal
Avid
Parthian (volley)
Palindrome
Querulous
Bereft
Semi-somnambulant
Epitaph
Effigy
Caustic
Macabre
Conniption
Misled
Looming
Yucky
Pall
Gloam
Mnemonic
Muras
Etherized
Tedious
Tonto
Jaundice
Agony
Syntax
Careful
Obscene
Mire
Absurd
Perverse
Depraved
Corrode
Tender
Colossal
Slanted
Nothing
Lousy
Disaffected
Mesentery
Metastasize
Cognitive dissonance
Pneumatic
Bulge
Brilliant
Devastate
Disease
Stasis
Static
Tacit
Pretty

-----

Note from June 8, 2016 2:55 PM


Stereo lab in the background. John sees an Asian guy crossing the street as we drive to the Greek restaurant.

John [driver's seat]: c'mon, chink

Alexis (passenger seat): stop it

John: what?

Alexis: stop it

It's amazing how non-threatening she sounds [how easily she can draw a line, if that makes sense], so it's hard to be offended, y'know?

-----

Note from June 6, 2016 1:57 PM


Maddie [girl from English class], she's annoying sometimes, she goes, "I'm dying."

[Meekah] is talking to me, "I wanted a cookie but my dad said no–"

She goes, "[MEEKAH], did you hear me? I'm dying."

"–I took one anyway and stole his cuppa joe–"

"Did you heaaaaarrrr me [MEEKAH], I'm dying."

[Meekah is still talk-singing to me] "–just deal with it."

"I'm dying."

"Just deal with it."

[Maddie] Hisses, "dyyyyyying."

JESUS Christ.

------

Note, last dated June 3, 2016 11:54 AM but I know I updated it several times over the course of a couple months. There will be little "--" things between... entries?


[talking about some video game] "So they added new traps, did you encounter any of them?" [This was Mo], in Chemistry on March 17, 2016 11:23 Am.... That was a lot of unnecessary information. Anyway, I think he's speaking on the phone with some fellow gamer and I found it strange that he used the word "encounter" it sounded so square in his mouth so yeah. Creepy observations forever.
--
WILL DELETE THE CRAP LATER [I don't know what I meant by that]

"I asked her if she was coming in today," jimmy
--

"I'm just kidding," the girl [said]
"Nah, she's dead not," jimmy laughing
I'm bored of these people
--

In spanish, March 22, 2016 Tuesday 9:56 AM

Early in the class Brandon told Lucy to kill herself. They're still talking about it, she's very mad.

"What if I really did [off] myself! What if I just went home and wrote a note – you'd go to jail! I mean, I love myself, but what if I didn't?"

Earlier, she was arguing with Ms. [teacher]. "Why are you defending him? He just told me to go kill myself!"

(Ms. [teacher] was not defending him, but she did not punish him either.. Not that I know of. She asked if they'd like to go to Mr. [name](principal))

Some girl was on Lucy's side. The boys didn't give a fuck.
--

[Mo]: "Oh you play gee-tar?"

[Dave]: "I play music."

[Mo]: "See, guitars use strings. PIANOS do not use strings–"

[Dave]: "They do use strings!"

[I remember them giggling after this, Mo wearing this mischievous smile and both of them just dying, kind of hunched-laughing with each other in that stupid, void-of-judgement way that only close friends can do.]
--

[This is Mo talking... I think. I didn't label it, damn it.] "I remember this one time I opened my phone and there was just a shitload of porn on–" laughing, "And you saw it–"

[Dave? or Mo. Hopefully Dave]: "Wait, I saw it?"

[Mo]: "You were sitting right next to me!"

[Dave]: "What? I don't remember!"

[Mo]: REALLy? There was so much. So much porn," *quiet, death-worthy laughter from both parties [the kind where there eyes close involuntarily, mouth open]* "So much."

[Dave]: "Was it just like open or something?"

[Mo]: "The video was still playing–" *more deathly laughing*
--

Some girl [in Chem class] says, "Imperialism is getting the right to vote, right?"

I look up and stare straight ahead sort of shocked and appalled for a moment. Apparently, [Mo] is the only other one who noticed bc he turns around and whispers "/what/" and then looks around JUSt as appalled as me and lets his hand slap over his face. Oh my god.
--

"What happened to your phone!?" Maddie [from English class][the phone, iphone 6, has a broken screen].

[Meekah says] "Its been like this for mad long."

"I didn't know!" She said this all scorned-like. As if it were a betrayal to have withheld such information from her, as if [Meekah] did it on purpose. So weird that people care so much about phones. People = her [Maddie].

--

March 31, 2016

Today, [Erica] was up front in APUSH typing her description of SCC in the chart in front of the class. People were complaining the whole time bc she included some unnecessary information. [Washington] stared and then was like, "... Thaaaaat's not what the SCC does."

and [Erica] , who had the whole time been saying, "this is what it says in the book!" repeated herself but [Washington] already got her to move aside as everyone in the class groaned super-loud 'cause they already wrote down the description and now [Washington] was deleting it 'cause it was wrong... [Erica] was protesting in this high, defensive voice?? Eventually she just walked away all slumped and pouty. I think [Washington's] impersonal harshness [why did I use the word 'impersonal'? it might have been autocorrect] and all the near-booing got to her. I thought she might cry. I felt bad.
--

[Mo] starts laughing, and he mutters, "skin cancer." I believe Mr. [Chem teacher] was talking about UV rays... But like. Haha wow.
--

June 1, 2016


Today, [the following is a description of Mo] flat faced, wearing a navy blue shirt and black sweatpants in eighty degree weather with 60% humidity. [Mo is this really skinny, tall guy. The definition of beanpole]

In class, [a girl says to him] "Sewad showed me a picture of when you were a baby."

He stares unblinkingly back (eyes half-lidded sort of, like usual, so he looks perpetually bored) and asks, "Was I naked." It didn't sound like a question.

[The girl] is like, "....no."

[Tom] says something to [Mo] about being naked and [Mo] laughs a lot. [The girl's] like "/What/, [Mo]?!"

He says, barely audible, "oh what not you" but I don't think she hears. She then shows him a picture of himself as a baby. "Look, baby [Mo]."

He says, "oh. I'm not naked."
--

Entered mid-conversation.
[Mo] was saying something and then [Tom] is all, "but dude you went through so much. You had to watch him slice her face open.."

They're discussing a game.
--

Just realized this notepad makes me seem like a stalker when really im just writing down what I'm around to hear. I feel like there's a lot of [Mo]. He's always assigned seats near me in Chem though, it's inevitable yo.
--

"What if this paint was edible"

[Drew probably said this]
--

[I said] "How was lunch cru?"
[John probably] "Good. Hey, oh, where were you?"
"I was at a meeting. I'm professional like that."
[All scorned-like] "Oh OHHHkay" or something like that
--

Blood farts
–Drew
--

[Drew] grabs thing out of my hair. "I think it's food."
"I don't think it's food." [Me]
"YEAHHH CUZ it was kind of... Squishy and greasy when I pulled it out...." trails off rubbing his fingers together [awkwardly].

–Drew, as usual
--

Drew [said he] was watching Liv's armpit "pulsate."

[Following this, Liv hugged her arms to herself, saying, "Ooooookay"]

--------

SOME QUOTES


"This is the story of America. Everybody's doing what they think they're supposed to." -p. 62 of On The Road

"They made smiling negative answers." -p. 37, On The Road

"We each had a bedroom, and there was a kitchenette with food in the icebox, and a huge living room where Major sat in his silk dressing gown composing his latest Hemingwayan short short – a choleric, red-faced, pudgy hater of everything, who could turn on the warmest and most charming smile in the world when real life confronted him sweetly in the night." -p. 36, On The Road
---------

Note from May 28, 2016 3:05 PM


[Chemistry teacher told us about a] hairdresser with no filter. Talks partying while cutting the hair of [my Chem teacher's] six year old.
--
Smiles come out of nowhere; they rip up your face. Hemorrhage. [I don't know what this means or why I wrote it or if it's even mine]

-------

Note on May 10, 2016

"I wanna grab your ankle.... Oh what? That's the weirdest thought I've ever had." [my thought whilst staring at Birdy]


------

April 19, 2016 6:28 PM


[Mr. Rayes]: did you just stick your tongue out?
[Student]: Yes.
[Mr. Rayes, smiling, not in a creepy way]: Well I oughtta backhand ya!

[This is a very Mr. Rayes-ish thing to say. He was kidding. just ya.]
--

Brick lawyer [no idea]
--

Krombopulus Michael and his attitude towards murder

[character from Rick and Morty. "Oh boy! Here I go killin' again!"]
--

All phone conversations involve two people. [why did i??? write this down??]
--

JESUS, that friggin thing scared the fuck outta me! [again, why]

--

Unconditional love seems like a questionable decision. [I should have put a title on this list]

--

[What came before this remark was probably, "Whoa, what's that!"
And then, "Huh? Oh. Whaddyou mean? It's muscle." and I'm not sure if this is a thing that actually happened or if I made it up]

"THAT is not a muscle... That's like a.. growth."
--

There was a scar on this lady's face, like a hairline fracture or somethin.
-----------

a3;wghioiugi4HNW;

breakiINNG NEWS. IT IS PRESENT DAY, JULY 7, THE YEAR IS 2016 AND IT IS A THURSDAY, THE TIME IS 9:35 PM, 21:35 MILITARY TIME

TEH
E
AHNETA;NBHOO;ISETOIJBIJOBEOIJ;BEOIEJKOROBKO;B;OJIJIJ


GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT GUESSWHATGUESSWHATGUESSWHAT!!!!

I GOT A 5 ON MY AP US HISTORY EXAAAAAAAAAMMMMMM

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

Full disclosure: I sort of bounce back and forth, thinking, "Hey, y'know, I'm not actually stupid. I'm pretty smart. Like maybe even the upper side of average," and, "nope, nope, nope, I'm dumb, ugh," and just.

Either way, I didn't think I'd get a 5. I thought that I should hope for a 4 at the best, or a 3.?????

I GOTS A FIIIIIIIIIVE.

!!! oh god I'm so relieved, so fucking relieved. I was like. Afraid I'd disappoint Mr. Washington even more, which would suck since he's my favorite teacher of my favorite class and just. !!!!!

Alexis got a 5 toooOO!!!! I hope she also has a 5 on her AP Bio exam because Alexis is so. I don't know, dedicated and unique and smart and this needs to be recognized.

She's my Intellectual Conversation friend, and I think I'm hers.

(I have intellectual convos with Liv too, but with Alexis it is a little different, since she's like. Very similar to me in the way that she defends her points, and it just makes for very good friendly debate and discussion)

Alexis wanted to be in the Scientific Research & World Health program that I'm going into but for some, or maybe many, reasons couldn't. I think it was partly money, as the credits are expensive, and the fact that it's a lot of traveling (to Rensselaer, and then back to school halfway through the day, and we go on rounds or something once a week and just. Yeah) and, yeah, moooore money spent on books and alllll that.

I think she would've gotten in. And it would've been a lot of fun, damn it.

Okay. Rant end. I'm sorry Mr. Washington. Also, thank you Mr. Washington. I wouldn't have done so well if he hadn't assigned us so many essays.

I'm happy.

Also am wondering how everyone else did. I wish I could know...

------

Note last updated on April 7, 2016 8:30 AM


[headline reads] "40 bisexual celebrities that swing both ways!"... wow okay.
"Spring break photos that totally give you the feels" The thumbnail is of a girl taking a body shot off another girl.

Do they know what 'the feels' is? It's not a tingle in your pants.
--

(someone tryna restrict your speech or something)

You: That's against the law!

Bad Guy: *chuckles darkly* honey, there is no law here...

You: Yes there is. I'm talking about the Universal Declaration of Human Rights man. That's against the law. Take it up with the UN.

Bad Guy: *sighs, drops fighting stance and looks around in a sorta pouty way* duuuuuuuuuuude you're not getting ittttttt. The government can't enforce that laaaaaaww hereeeeee so I can do whateeeeeeeevvvvverrrr

You: oooooohhhhhhhh

Bad Guy: yeaaaahhhhh!

[what the fuck]
--

"Shut up you fuckin uke!"
"...what?"

-----------

INTERACTIONS WITH LIV:

Feb 19, 2016
We're in the stairwell at [Adrian's] party and Liv lifts her shirt up to show me her [new] bra.

February 24, 2016
It's nearing the end of ninth [period]. Me and Liv sit in the corner of [Sandwich's] room with another girl (she wears a lot of rings and smiles easy). I push Liv a bit, sit on her swivel chair since I didn't get one for myself.
She farts on me.

March 27, 2016
"You should go write your essay," is what I said while doing dishes at 1 AM.
"Shhh," she said, looking sort of sleepy as my phone sang Chopin, "I'm thinking about how much money I'd be making if I were a stripper..."

[I love her, I love her]
------


Ow, you faggot

–[Sandwich]

-----

Gojo to the dojo.

[One of those things Sandwich thought up and repeated for the rest of the day]

-----

RANDOM LIST??? It's untitled, last updated Feb. 19 2016 10:23 PM

Chewing the fat
To each his own
Shooting the shit
Foot in his mouth
Saying stupid as a conversation
enhancer/emotional thingy idk how to explain
Pulling lint out of a belly button
TS Eliot
Yellow fog (light)
Questions aren't genuine (how are you)
Difference is the same (ex: hippies thought they were different)
Occam's razor
Snuggle tooth
You've awakened the suture
She's so hot I'd eat the peanuts out of her shit [Sandwich said this, quoting an old friend of his]
Mr. Rayes got mad at Ethan for saying, "So you pounding that shit?" or something about an old lady tutor
Cars [look like] sharks [when] looking for parking spaces
Marionette's shrug
Eyes need us to see [modest mouse???]
Rapscallions

------

Feb. 9, 2016 10:11 PM

I"'ve been killing woooorrmmmmmss" –Mom

-------

Feb. 8 2016 10:20 AM


Gross like a pile of dog shit, or your cat licking its own asshole, or the awful bone-crack (I imagine that's what the earth sounds like when it splits) when your science teacher digs his fingers into the space between a dead pig's ribs and jerks outward.
Open cavity.


---------

ONCE AGAIN, PRESENT DAY:

Okay, I'm done for now. C ya.


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