✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2016-07-06 19:35:41 (UTC)

I Love To Sing

Dear Reader,


So... I'm really upset right now.


I was in the kitchen, trying to get a drink and was waiting for her to finish fixing Rocky (my dog) a plate of food so I could bring it to my room, so that he could eat and the puppies wouldn't disturb him.

I was singing to the puppies, and I wasn't really trying to sing well.
I was singing "A Dream Is A Wish" from the Disney movie, Cinderella.


And, I got to a line that I used to mess up..
Every time I messed it up, she would always point it out..
So, I finally learned to sing it correctly,
but even then I was nervous singing in front of her.
So, I kinda just faded out.

And then after I stopped, she speaks up and says:

"Why does your voice quiver like that?"

And I explained to her that it's called warbling, and most voices do that...

It's really hard to explain what exactly it sounds like or what it is, so just watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFFOHqx520E
Now, notice how the notes in this song are not smooth? They just bounce up and down?
That's what she pointed out.
Sorry if you still don't know what I'm talking about.

And she goes "I don't do that."
Then she goes: "You need to quit that warbling. I don't like that. It just ruins the whole song."

So.. I go to my room..
And I feel defeated.

I love to sing. I always have.
I know I'm not good at it.
I just enjoy it.

I remember a time where she came outside and tried to "correct" my singing as a kid.

I remember when I was taking Chorus, and was learning to sing at my level, which is Soprano 1... she argued with me about how I wasn't singing "correctly" and my teacher "ruined" my voice.
I would try to explain it, but of course.. she knew more about music than my chorus teacher did.


I remember her trying to force me to learn to sing a gospel song to sing in church when I didn't want too.
And she just yelled at me when I cried.


I remember when she told me if I didn't sing a song in front of the family and her friends from church at a family reunion, she'd NEVER forgive me for it... etc. etc.

And then I remember singing a song that my dad had taught to me for a preacher at my father's funeral... and he spoke about it while talking about my father during the ceremony... and when I smiled, she got angry at me... How dare I.


Every chorus concert she took me too, and said that we did good afterwards... but it was always awkward.
It never felt genuine.
I was afraid really to be excited or happy... because I knew if I showed too much pride in myself.. if I showed too much joy in it...
If I felt it.. she'd take it down like a building demolition.


And so eventually, chorus just wasn't worth it anymore..
for those reasons, and other reasons.


I sing around the house, usually alone or when I'm doing something.

When I came back to my room,
I looked up the song to see if it was me.. I needed to know.
And sure enough, Cinderella warbles too.
I had proof.


E told me to stand up for myself...
So, I pulled it up on my ipod, and I brought to her to watch.
And I showed her.

And of course she "couldn't" tell.

And said "Her voice doesn't quiver like yours"
Well of course, she's a thousand times better than me..
But the point was, she was warbling.. it was PART of the song itself.

In fact, it's part of a LOT of songs...
Most everyone's voice warbles when they sing. Some more or less than others.
And even then.. I was intentionally singing it sillier earlier...

And so after I showed her the proof..
She of course gets angry.

"I just wanted to show you that it was part of the song" I said as I turned to leave.
And she starts "OH I KNOW YOU ALL TRY YOUR HARDEST TO MAKE A LIAR OUT OF ME." and I just shut the door, and came back.

I heard her in there grumbling to grandpa as he asked a question for him to just "go to the Internet to find out"


She has to win. She has to be right.
Anytime we try to defend ourselves against her,
It's an attack.. it means we don't love her.. it means we think she's stupid.. it's a threat to her intelligence.

It's okay if she stomps all over us and our feelings...
But we shouldn't DARE try to defend ourselves with evidence...
we shouldn't dare trust anyone else's proven words over her own dated opinions based on personal experience.


And I came back angry, shaking, paranoid.
And I had to write it out.


Sincerely,
Warbler




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