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2016-06-26 18:39:10 (UTC)

On the Subject of Youth

"Still Flat" by Built To Spill

And you tell me this and you tell me that
No matter how the thing grows it's still flat
And you showed me this and you showed me that
Because of where you came from you know where it's at

Another Marxist celebration
This time with pipes instead of guns
With very little dedication
To anything that isn't fun
It's gonna take some dedication
It's gonna take some dedication

And you showed me this and you showed me that
Because of where I came from you know where I'm at
And you tell me this and you tell me that
No matter how round it feels, it's still flat
It's still flat

Another cosmic demonstration
With stars colliding into suns
It doesn't take imagination
It's just the way this stuff is done
Better than your imagination

June 26, 2016 Sunday 6:39 PM

I wonder: when I get old, am I gonna start saying things like, "oh, you're daughter 's turning into quite the young lady. Gonna have to beat the boys back with a stick!" (I think this is usually directed at the father of said young lady)

It's just such an awkward thing to say. But, I mean. Maybe I'll remember having heard it, and it'll just slip out because how else do you jokingly call someone else's female child pretty?

I'm just. Thinking about this because I went to church with my dad this morning and. Yeah.

Y'know, he approached his blind friend and said, "Guess who?"

Yeah, the blind friend was like, don't do that again please. Haha. Later, he told me he wants to take sensitivity training. I just wanted him to stop talking about it.

(Kitty is on the back porch sleeping under a chair.)

Other things that happened at church are the following.

One Dude, mid-fifties maybe: what are you planning on doing this summer?

Me: oh *awkward laugh* I don't know. Probably schoolwork.

Dude: that doesn't sound very fun

Me: no, I mean. I like it. It's for a thing I'm doing next year (I wasn't sure how to explain).

Dude: just don't squander your youth. You'll be surprised to find how quickly those days pass.

Me: haha... okay... [I know, is what I was thinking. I know, /I know/. Or at least, I hear you, I've heard you a thousand times before.]

Y'know, man, I think most people 'squander' their youth. In one way or another. They spend it struggling with mental illness or doing school work or stressing about the future. Okay, I do all three, but none of those three feel particularly severe so. It's okay, it balances out.

Anyway. I may be squandering my youth, yeah. But... I'm not really sure what to do about it?

Like. What does it even mean to be young?

Is young: naive, energetic, optimistic, arrogant? This is what I imagine when they say that. "Don't squander your youth." What KIND of youth?

'Cause if it's the above-described kind of youth.

I may have missed the boat. Just a bit. I mean. I'm not exactly optimistic. I really do think I can be objective, but sometimes I let my emotions get the better and – pessimism, alright. Cynicism (never, ever optimism – not that I can remember). This, to me, seems a more comment trait of youth, actually.

Most kids I meet are, like. Resentful of SOMETHING. Sometimes resentful of everything.

Pissed off at the world, unhappy. This is youth. Or maybe it's something that stays with us our entire lives. But somehow, I think not. Not for everyone.

I don't know. Me, I'm probably really angry at everything. Most of the time I can't feel it. But, yeah, I know it's there. I know I hate the way things work.

Above everything else that pisses me off: humans. Deep down, I hate them. All of them. All of us, sorry.

We're all shitty, and I know, we're animals like the rest so why am I not pissed at that alligator for munching on a two year old a couple weeks ago?

Because of self-awareness! Of god damn opposable thumbs! In other words: we know better!

Or at least, we're supposed to. But, like. Sometimes I think we're all one giant rat king. Pre-fusion, of course (of course, of course). Tangled up, only it's not our tails, it's our damn thoughts, looping around everyone else's, pulled taut so all other connected lines are shaken, tugged, adjusted somehow, tied around and around and just.

It's a knot. And we're all confused, dying and/or living awesome lives, etc. etc. etc. All this while some child, or some adult – or probably both, probably more than both – starves, or gets blown to pieces, or bursts open, viscera everywhere, when they finally hit the ground.

I don't. Hate anyone. I've either decided not to or I've been lying to myself for a long time now.

I don't hate humanity. That would be hating my own existence. I quite like existing, haha. I like smelling the change of seasons, holding hands, mouthing along to my favorite songs, falling asleep. Can't do that if you're not even... Real.

Honestly, I'd defend humanity given the chance. I just. Like us. A lot.

But. As I explained, I also am kind of generally pissed at humanity, too. Pissed at myself.

Okay, but. I got off topic, didn't I?

Just. Everyone I've met is/was mad at something. And this is originally what I meant to say. Their parents, their friends, themselves. Mostly themselves.

As for energy and arrogance. Well, okay. I don't think I'm arrogant. Although I could be, I don't know. I must be, in some ways, really full of myself and really preach-y. Which sucks. And is also scary.

I don't really have a ton of energy. There's not much to say on that subject. I've never had a ton of energy. Depression, yo. And... I don't know. Whatever's wrong with me. It has sapped me. Will maybe always sap me. Whatevs.

So. Am I squandering my youth by spending my summer hitting the books? I've got a pile of them sitting in my room. ACT study book, SAT subject test study books, a regular ol' SAT study book, GENOME: the autobiography of a species in 23 chapters, Microbe Hunters, BrainFacts.

I am... sort of excited to do this. But I certainly don't plan to stay inside for two months.

I have my Creative Writing class, which. Yay! I enjoy that.

I have piano. Also yay. I really love piano.

Working at my dad's lab, maybe getting a job elsewhere.

Running, riding my bike.

Hanging out with my friends (I normally isolate myself in the summers, but. It always fucks up my already limited social skills and, while refreshing, also kind of manages to depress me at some point).

Learning to drive.

Is that squandering my youth?

I think being depressed is squandering youth. Not that it's a choice or anything.

But, just. For anyone reading this who might have depression. Try to change your world. Your world, not THE world. Just, like. Rearrange shit. Allow yourself to make mistakes, yo.'Cause like... Idk just make it as easy as possible to get up in the mornings.

Don't be like me, wasting several long years worrying over nothing (okay, I still do this, but y'know what actually?... I might not actually mind it).

Or, okay. Don't let me tell you what to do. What do I know?... Virtually nothing, ahha. I am speaking from experience, but I don't even know where I am right now, emotionally. I never really do.

View from the ground.

So, okay. I want to suck all your anger and unhappiness away. I want to take it, distribute it evenly among the people of the world. Put it to good use (and there is a good use for it, okay).

I wanna spread your disease, man. Stretch it thin.

But I can't, and it frustrates me. No help for that...

My mom keeps pestering me to eat, so I should go now. Also, I really, REALLY have to pee. I drank like a liter of water. I should stop allowing myself to drink whilst writing, because it always ends with me having to pee really bad but not wanting to get up in the middle of an entry. Gotta get it all out at once (THE WORDS NOT THE PEE).

In conclusion. I apologize for the things I've said in this entry. Mostly because. I don't know. It's a new line of thought I'm following, and I do that a lot, but. Still. I just. Am very aware of the fact that I could be Wrong. Really wrong.

So... thank you? I'm sorry, I think I love you.