LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2016-06-26 12:59:44 (UTC)

*bangs head on keyboard* here's this boring update on my life, yayayyayay


"Heavy Metal Drummer" by Wilco [I dunno, I love this song]

I miss the innocence I've known
Playing KISS covers, beautiful and stoned

Unlock my body and move myself to dance
Moving warm liquid, flowing blowing glass
Classical music blasting masks the ringing in my ears

June 26, 2016 Sunday 1:02 PM


I got in a sort-of fight with my parents last night. Not really. I just. Got a little mad and ended up telling them that I wished they'd paid more attention to me growing up.

Not that they have ever been neglectful (that's a word?... right?). It's just that most of what I do, I do on my own. I mean, my parents don't care how well I do in school. I tell them when I get good scores and stuff, but they really don't give a shit??? They're like, "Oh, that's great," and then. Yeah. Which I guess is good. Still, I've wished before that they were a little more enthusiastic about my "accomplishments."

I guess there's no real meaning in congratulations for dumb grades but. Still. It's, like. The one thing I do sort of well. But they're like that, all distracted by real life. Any awards I get, etc. etc. "Great, great," and then forgotten.

Most of the time, I don't care? Because it's been like this forever.

But I was just pissed because. I wish they had guided me more. I wish they had urged me to get a job or frickin' taught me to drive BEFORE I turned 17. I wish I hadn't had to figure all of this... school stuff, teen stuff. On my own.

I realized, though, that I can't actually be mad at them at all. They know... pretty much nothing about working papers or permits or SATs, all that. My mom didn't grow up in the US, and when my dad was a kid on the other side of the country, there weren't as many... regulations, I guess.

I wanna be mad at someone, but like. Who can I even blame? It's too late anyhow. Not that all hope is lost, just. It's too late for this guidance.

(I know some people get guidance from. Well, our school guidance counselors. Other people are involved in these programs through the school that offer opportunities but I have a shitty, shitty counselor. Agh she's always sick. I feel bad but. She sucks. So bad.)

I don't like complaining about this. I'm glad I got the level of independence that I did. I needed it. I'm used to it. And it's going to help me get through senior year. It's going to help me live on my own the year after that.

---

Yo! My dad is going to let me work at his lab. I'm so exCITED. I will probably work under this guy with two first names. He's either a first year graduate student or an undergraduate.

Dad says I'll probably be washing beakers and stuff. Cleaning the scales. Weighing shit. Maybe getting people burritos from Moe's down the street. And maybe also walking around campus, going to other buildings to receive or deliver messages/things.

This sounds cool. I'm excited. !!!! I'll get all familiar with the lab!!!! YayyyyY!Y!YY!Y!

---

An update on my emotional state:...okay. It's not great, but it's not terrible. Been kind of hating everything I've ever said or done or made. I can still live, can still speak to people and all that. I am just feeling a little shitty. And, like. Perpetually bored.

I'm so good at dealing with this now, though!

(Will I be saying that in six months, though?... Bc I think I've thought to myself before, "I totally have a handle on this," only for it to get worse and. Well. Either way, I always make it through so. Can't complain)

I just. Think about lists. Stuff I've gotta do, stuff I will do. And it's not so hard to deal with. Mainly just annoying.



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