Songbird System

Raven
2016-06-25 11:00:50 (UTC)

......

You know what, I'm fucking tired of my voices.

I feel like I would actually get some fucking sleep if they didn't exist. Always talking, never shutting up, never knowing how to shut up their damn nonexistent mouths.

I'm fucking pissed. Granted, that's probably because I still having sleep problems, and I keep trying to do everything but nothing works. And then I remember it is fucking hard to go to sleep when there are five people talking in your head all the time that will never shut up and never get tired. Like, dammit.

And, you know what, I just want to get rid of these voices. Yeah, sure, my voices are partly the reason why I'm mature and empathic and all that shit, but they're also the reason why I'm always out of it, easily upset and emotionally a wreck.

Like, dammit. Shut up. And I just realized how important Charlotte was to keeping Narrator at bay. She's mostly just there now and seems to not care about Narrator anymore. Which is bad. Really, really bad. I already learned how to deal with Charlotte and how she works, but Narrator is a new problem entirely.

Narrator is fucked up to put it simply. Like I said before, she embodies the perfectionist manipulator psychopath part of me. The part of me that just loves toying around with people since it is fun, a lot like Charlotte. But Charlotte did it out of feeling inferior and a way to cope with trauma, Narrator is purely doing it for the shit and giggles.

Plus, she loves bringing out little Satan Lover to make nights Hell. She was like, you know what, Kaleigh is actually getting better sleep, let's fuck that up. Like she literally said that. And, low and behold, another voice Charlotte was keeping at bay by being a bitch pops out.

...What the fuck...? This is gonna take a lllooonnnggg time to figure out. Charlotte took almost two years. Oh dear. A really long time to figure out.

You know what, Kaiser should get off their asses and do something. I was supposed to met with my Kaiser therapist twice a month since she clearly figured out by meeting with me twice that I had problems. Lots and lots of problems. And now it has been a couple of months and Kaiser is still making excuses about why I can't meet up with her again even though I keep making appointments. Again and again.

Seriously, fuck Kaiser.

I've only meet with her twice so I clearly haven't told her about "oh, I've voices in my head that I've been facing against only be myself even since I moved to my dad's house". She was more concerned about the shot thing. You remember, the shot thing? I needed to take that shot, and I still haven't taken it. What a wonderful job you're doing, Kaiser. A true work of art...

This is a fucking long journal entry. Anyways...

I've already told her some about the whole Psycho Cousin mess. Yeah, mess is the best way to describe what's going on there. And, remember when they said they were gonna look into it. Heard nothing about that yet either. You're doing a great job here, Kaiser. A wonderful job.

Plus, she knows I'm an asexual demi-girl and all that jazz. Yeah! :D And that I've problems. I like circled all the points for PTSD and GAD. Oh dear. :P I'm just talking about whatever I want now. I guess doing this clears up my side of my mind and hopefully my voices. Sometimes they shut up when I'm writing, except for Narrator. She loves being a grammar Nazi and a Nazi in general. Seriously, cool it down, Narrator.

I don't really know what else to talk about. I just had a coughing fit because an ant found their way into my throat. xD Because, wow, we've an ant problem at my dad's house. And my room. It was like that before I moved in too. Like seriously. I accidentally kill ants all the time and it makes me feel like shit. Because killing ants is not a cool thing to do. Except if you're Narrator, then you get a high by describing their last moments alive in the most horrifying way possible. Fuck you Narrator.




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