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My Crazy, Amazing, Messed up Life
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2016-06-25 09:21:19 (UTC)

Anxiety

Ok so pretty recently some shit happened in my life that I would like to forget. Everything is pretty great now. I am with a man I love and who loves me in return, I am doing alright in school and I have a friend that supports me in everything and without her I don't know where I would be. But at the same time my best friend absolutely hates my boyfriend and is constantly saying horrible things about him and our relationship, to my face and behind our backs. She is smart enough not to say it to his face though, yes she has a pretty good chance in a fight but he is a trained fighter of 4 years and very protective of me, which isn't good for people who make me upset. As well as this, my mother has been giving me her version of "relationship advice", which practically involves her telling me that I am putting in too much effort and being needy, to make me seem "less needy" she sometimes keeps me house bound so that I can't see him. So whilst my life is pretty great, I am practically stuck with the two people who are constantly driving me insane and giving me panic attacks.
Reece has been handling everything so well, I am proud of him. He knows everything that is going on and I constantly have to talk him out of talking to my friend and mother for me. He takes care of me, he is a complete gentleman and he puts so much effort and dedication into the relationship and I am so happy because of it. Lately I have been having these sort of panicky episodes which he thinks are panic attacks, I can't breathe properly and I just sort of curl in on myself and let my thoughts get to me, resulting in a little curled up thing that is shaking and making weird gasping noises. The only person who I let see me like this is Reece, and it is just amazing how well he copes with it. He just holds me and says comforting things until I stop shaking and can breathe properly again, then we talk out what happened and why. I don't deserve someone as amazing as him. On top of this, when I was with my last boyfriend, he sort of pressured me into some things, not full on sex, but things I wasn't ready for. Reece knows about this and he also knows that that is the reason for a lot of these attack things because some little things just bring back memories and trigger it. I had to talk Reece out of killing Andrew...
I know I don't really have a right to be this picky, especially after everything Reece has done for me, but recently Reece has been talking to Andrew a lot and they are kind of friends now. They knew each other even before I came into the picture, but now they seem closer and it is kind of scaring me. Because they talk more, Andrew comes over to Reece when Reece is with me and our other friends. If Reece wasn't holding my hand or rubbing my back I would probably have had an attack right then and there. It scares me for Andrew to be around. I know I am completely safe with Reece there, but what if other people were to attack Reece whilst Andrew came after me? I know it is stupid but even Reece has said that he wants me to take a fighting class for self defence cause he is not always going to be there and cause there could be multiple attackers and he could only handle so many at a time. I have nightmares of Andrew coming after me. Reece is also there in these nightmares, but he is occupied by three other bulky guys whilst Andrew is hurting me in ways that can't be undone. I just hate the feeling I get when Andrew is around and he is starting to be around more often. But I know I will be okay as long as Reece is by my side.
Though I do look forward to this fighting class.

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