LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2016-06-23 21:25:19 (UTC)

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"Black Eyes" by David Wirsig [found this on Night Vale and it's beautiful]

it's that old recurring dream where you're drowning
flailing your arms out, fearful and frantic
and black waves are curling and pounding
down onto your head somewhere in the Atlantic
through the fathoms below you a shadow
is gliding up towards you with singular purpose
and hundreds of thousands of gallons
of ocean froth and foam as it breaks the surface

its black eyes find you almost at once
its black eyes find you almost at once
you can't hide, swim away or take air into your lungs
to scream
for help that won't come

and oftentimes I am awoken
at three in the morning by screams in the attic
I'll run upstairs, wrench the door open
call out a warning (and try not to sound panicked)
but my hammering heart hears the voices
of spirits that tempt us, the scorn that they've spoken
I'll remember the sad frightened noises
of an old friend who dreamt once of storms on the ocean

and black eyes looking up from below

June 23, 2016 Thursday 9:29 PM

My day: uneventful

I was mildly productive? I ordered my books online, looked through my Scientific Research & World Health papers (COLLEGE CLASSES ARE SO EXPENSIVE??? Why is this all so expensive), and practiced piano for like an hour and a half (which is the norm for me).

I tried writing for a bit, but didn't get past 400 words. Suckkks. But I'm not worried. Sometimes it bursts out of me, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it takes a little push, and sometimes a little push does nothing. So.

Conclusion: brain is unresponsive to creative ideas, refuses to string words together, and instead sings songs when I'm trying to sleep. Or think. Or do anything that requires silence.

I don't actually mind. That whole song-in-brain thing has been a thing for a Forever. It is actually sort of necessary for my concentration??? Haha.

Literally every time I take an exam, I notice at some point that a song is playing on repeat in my head.

Sometimes it's a song I don't love.

Most of the time it's the good shit.

On the Chem exam earlier this week, it was "Bohemian Rhapsody."

I asked my dad about this. He says some surgeons do the same thing; play songs in their head in order to focus.

That's so weird. Thanks, brain, for being pretty cool sometimes.

_____

Sigh. Tomorrow I'm going to Laney's grandma's house. I wish I was more excited. I mostly only said yes because I don't want to push her away anymore.

I do that with everyone. But that's been written about before (everything has, I suppose).

Maybe one day, I can keep in contact with my relatives and online friends (if I am ever able to make online friends again) and distant friends, all in addition to, y'know. The people I see regularly. Regular frandz.

Maaaybe one day.

But for now, I'm going to try and keep my regular friends, since I seem to struggle with that.

FRIENDS INCLUDE:

John, I guess, from Lunch Cru. I like the guy but I don't think I'd ever hang out with him alone. He's awkward in his own, fidgety way.
Alexis, duh.
Liv, double duh. Oh gross, I'm never saying that again. But I do love Liv.

Our friendship is like. The most stable one I've ever had. Although it's sort of a young creature, and I half-hated her for five months of this friendship, so maybe I'm jumping the gun.

So. Other friends being Laney and Lily and Adrian. I guess that's sort of it, though. I don't really plan on interacting with anyone else.

I actually want to avoid Adrian. I guess his whole confession is effecting me more than I thought. I dislike that. This doesn't change anything, I know, I knowoowoowowww, but still. He's being. Different. But so am I. So. This is why I'd like my space. I'd like him to also, like. Fall in love with someone else.

Not that I think he's actually in LOVE with me, haha. But. I'm kind of tired of saying "crush."

Laney! So I'm going to chill with her tomorrow and god damn it, self, I'm going to enjoy it! I love Laney. I don't have to lose people right now. I can hold onto them for awhile longer. I will milk this friendship for all it's worth.

Because, yeah. I'm not sure this will continue outside of high school. I'm not sure who I'll stay in contact with.

I'm thinking about this exactly 1 year too early.

––––––

!!! Please kill me. No, don't. I don't know what I'm talking about and I definitely shouldn't be writing because there are... let's count... 1... 2.... no.... 0 thoughts in my head. Yeah, that's about right.

(Kitty has scrunched her neck up a bunch – she's chillin' on the piano)

Hey, wait, I'm going to practice more piano because I have a problem so. Bye.


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