LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2016-06-22 23:56:17 (UTC)

The World Hurts (it always does, but this time it's because it's beautiful)


"Hey Good Lookin'" by Blonde Tongues [pretty feel, all I can think of is patterned sunlight streaming through the trees, sort of honey-colored and perfect and those are all the times I felt almost not-human, what am I talking about]

Keep me from getting old


June 22, 2016 Wednesday 11:59 PM

Liv was, like. Sprawled on one of the mattresses in this room when she showed me this song. Wearing a white bra-lette type thing and no shirt 'cause it was too hot, scrolling through my facebook feed or, actually, probably facebook-stalking people. Beginning with Birdy.

This was Tuesday, which is almost more than yesterday, although I guess yesterday is less a measurement of time and more a description of a place, so I can't exactly say that.

"A yesterday ago."

"A yesterday and a half."

That was also my last day of exams (just Chem – it was easy. I did not get a perfect score, as I did not study very much at all, but. Y'know. Wtvr?).

I went to Sandwich's afterwards. He's been cleaning up his classroom. Alexis was there, Lily and her boyfriend... Have I named him? I should name him, I think he's sticking around and this is good. We like him. Ummmm... Okay, I apologize for the vaguely douche-y name but here it is: Jax. So lame. The name, not the guy. He's cool.

I left pretty soon afterwards to meet Liv across the street from the high school. We walked to Starbucks and ordered some shit and then sat around there for like... an hour. Just talking. We can talk for such a long time with no pauses.

So then we went back to the high school, back up to Sandwich's. But before we went in the classroom, I stopped by my other teacher's room and chatted with her. Which made me feel nice.

Liv was all, "I'm proud of you," and I was like ??? why?

"You did so good!" She meant I didn't fuck up the conversation. I say it like that, but I really did appreciate the compliment. I went all rosy on the inside.

So: Sandwich's room. Just him and Lily were there at that point.

We talked for a bit.

Sandwich told us this story about how once he tried to clean his ass on the water jet in his pool but it went UP his ass and he had to clamber out of it (it was above-ground) and waddle to the bathroom.

"I shit, like. A gallon of water. It felt SO weird."

It was amazing.

Liv ended up at my house after that. We stalked Birdy for a good half an hour. She was going through all his photos. Jesus, he is beautiful.

I got bored when the pictures got to be around... late 2014?? Haha. Liv kept going for awhile and sometimes forced me to look at them with her, which was kind of funny (he uses the peace sign, like, a lot haha). I think out of all of those, there was only... two selfies. Or something. I didn't actually count and I didn't see all the photos.

(Liv ended up going back to his elementary school days, I think!!! Most of the photos were posted by his mom. Hah)

She also talked about him a lot. She likes him a lot. There was a story that came with this song (I almost wish that wasn't the case – I don't want to associate it with anything other than the things already in my head).

Liv said, "This is the only song I showed Birdy that he actually listened to. Well, actually talked about with me. He told me in school that he liked it and I was like, 'Wait, did you really like it or are you just being nice?' and he looked... So confused. He was like, 'Why would I lie?' I was like, 'I.. don't know' and then I left, haha."

I was just like, "Bad social skills, man," and I don't mean to shit on the guy. I have terrible social skills. TERRIBLE. He's popular, so his have to be better than mine. It's just something I've heard, though.

When we were voting for National Honor Society officers, Birdy was running for President. I wondered out loud if I should vote for him or... I forget who the other six people were. I remember some, but ugh, I'd have to make up names. That Teddy Bear guy! He was running.

Anyway, Jax was all weighing the pros and cons, "So-and-so wouldn't do shit, don't vote for him... He'd be okay... Birdy would definitely do a good job but he has bad social skills... so-and-so has good social skills..."

Sunny day, today was so sunny. Every day is sunny here...

This summer will be nice.

People are so... nice. To me. It's. Insane.

Sorry, back to Birdy for a split second, only because we need him for Context, okay:

Liv was going through his pictures, yes, we went over this. There were a lot of family photos, so we saw his mom and dad a ton. She said to me, "He has a good mix of his parents features," and I squinted needlessly at the screen, y'know? Like I needed to let the world know that I was considering her words. Only no one was even looking at my face, so.

God! Anyway!

(How do people read my writing? It's so choppy and disorganized)

I squinted at the screen – remember that? Fuck – and was like, "Yeah, he does. He's so pretty wow," because he has his dad's dimples I guess, and I think his mom's facial shape, I don't remember anymore. Damn it.

Then Liv caught me off guard. She was all, "yeah, yeah," then looking at me, "So do you."

I don't know what my face looked like, but, um. Probably ugly. Shock and sadness are not pretty expressions on my face. Not that I was at all sad. But yes, shocked.

I was like, "What?"

"Haven't I told you that before?" she said, "You have, like. A really good mix of your mom and dad's features."

I fell back onto the other mattress all dramatic-like and then scrunched up my face (human-pug hybrid, yo), staring at her and making these weird squealing noises, probably. "Thaaaaaannnkkkk yoououoouuu."

"Has no one ever told you that before?" she said. She looked so confused, so genuinely confused.

I love Liv.

She's so nice.

I'm drained right now and I have a headache (I've had it for a few days now – it will probably become a migraine in a few more).

Um!

I also went to an orientation yesterday. For the science program I'm in.

I tried on a lab coat (!!!)

(I'm a small, I think? I asked the professor lady, "Um – hey. I'm not sure how lab coats are supposed to fit exactly?..." and she laughed and said something about tissue cultures, sleeves getting in the way. Small seemed good for that then)

and also had to get up at some point to introduce myself. All the other kids got up too. There are 13 kids in the program (selected out of 30 applicants). I didn't count the girl:boy ratio. I was too nervous. She gave each of us these big ass manila envelopes with a shitload of guidelines and campus maps and permission slips and required book lists, descriptions of courses, etc. etc.

My god, I am so frightened and excited and I hope, hope, hope I can do this. I hope I don't let myself down. I hope my parents are proud of me and not actually indifferent to... all this. That I've done. Or at least tried to do.

I am going to be a writer.

I am going to be a writer, and I'm going to write about history and psychology and sociology and a shitload of other -ologies. I'll write about disease, y'know? And neuroscience, all that stuff. I will also swear less, since I think me being vulgar could probably cost me a lot of jobs.

This is so cool and I might actually die right now and if I did – would everything I did be lost? I know I didn't do much at all. But I wrote so much and maybe it's actually very bad but I worry so much that it'll just go missing forever. No one to ever read it. Not just here. The stuff in my google drive, too. Most of it unfinished, but there are at least one hundred (or maybe even a couple hundred) pages of writing (at least 90 pages written this year yo). It'd be bad to lose all that. Bad for me. Sad for me. Fuck.

Okay: calm down, self.

I am just. Maybe it won't be so hard to make friends. That guy from my school – Joe – he's really nice. And this girl wearing red lipstick smiled at me. Everyone looked so put together. I looked.. somewhat put together. I'm really not. I wonder if they're hiding anything the way I am. I wonder if I will cry.. probably.

I said to Alexis tonight: I think we're going through a golden age.

She was confused, asking if she meant us-us or the world in general. I meant the world in general.

She was like, "No, shit still sucks in a lot of ways. It's better, but.." and etc. etc.

I eventually explained to her that that's not what I meant. I meant golden age as in Renaissance. So much music, writing, art, so much discovery, whether it be scientific or... damn it. Something else. It's so late.

We're making a lot of progress.

Alexis replied to my really, REALLY long rant. She told me I was very good at articulating my thoughts, and I freaked out a bit on the inside since this is one of the best things anyone has ever said to me ever. The way I communicate is very important to me.

One day I'm going to show her the things Elise used to write. Alexis reminds me of her a lot of the time. I can't even remember how. In the ways that she gets excited and WHAT she gets excited about. In the way she talks, and the way she views other people. Yes...

Alexis is very good.

I want to write more about this golden age idea I've been having in my head, but it really is getting late and I have to wake up and do stuff. Namely order books and apply for a job.

Guys. I am becoming an adult. I am applying for jobs and positions and college, I am learning to contain my teenage rage (or maybe it's just general rage, watered down with that potent anxiety. Wait.. can you dilute one substance with a different, but more concentrated, substance?... Yes, right? I'd say yes... 'Cause, I mean. You're decreasing the concentration of substance A, right?.... What the fuck sorry).

!!! Teenage rage, right. I'm getting a credit card, getting a license... eventually haha.

I'm actually becoming an adult. I have actually lost a part of me. Not completely, I'm sure it's still there somewhere, but I'm worried one day I won't be able to find it... But that doesn't matter right now.

I'm getting older (that's so bizarre – I used to write in this when I was still in middle school). And right now... I'm actually okay with that.

PS:

Sorry for getting all sentimental and weird there. I'm just. Trying to come to terms with how fast this is all happening. And how it's only going to get faster. But that's for another time. If I live long enough to write another entry. That's almost a joke. Laugh with me! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

PPS:

If my house were next to a house on fire, if it were beginning to look as if my house would soon catch fire too, if I were home alone. I would bring with me:

Lord of the Flies and On The Road
The manila package for the special program
my laptop, laptop charger, phone charger, headphones and phone.
sketchbook. Graphing calculator. pencils and pens
Grab my sisters art supplies and some paintings, drag it out to the yard
Find my cat and bring her outside, ask a bystander to hold her probably.
Search my parents' room for stuff they might want. Probably get some of their clothes and also mine.
I'd get clothes from Caroline's room, also search for things she might want, like her camera and other photography related stuff.
I'd grab some photos for sentimental reasons, probably a few more books
Damn it.

I'd take the whole house if I could. Drag it away with me.
This was a useless train of thought.

PPPS (is that a thing? can you really just add P's endlessly?):

this is my 651st entry.

So...

3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582097494459230781640628620899862803482534211706798214808!!!!!!651!!!!!! 328230664709384460955058223172

And okay, if I recall, I used to know a little more than 160 digits. I don't know how much that is but I can't remember what comes after 3172...

something something. 904... 848128.... 1117???.... Ya IDK. 102701???

I just checked. The bit that comes after that is actually 535[there might've been something here but who cares]9408128481117???

Okay wait for real bye.



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