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2016-06-18 13:28:47 (UTC)

muzzle of bees

"Muzzle of Bees" by Wilco [poetry, christ]

There's a random painted highway
And a muzzle of bees
My sleeves have come unstitched
From climbing your tree
And dogs laugh, some say they're barking
I don't think they're mean
Some people get so frightened
Of the fences in between
And the sun gets passed from tree to tree
Silently, and back to me
With the breeze blown through
Pushed up against the sea
Finally back to me
I'm assuming you got my message
On your machine
I'm assuming you love me
And you know what that means
Sun gets passed, sea to sea
Silently, and back to me
With the breeze blown through
Pushed up above the leaves
With the breeze blown through
My head upon your knee
Half of it's you, half is me


June 18, 2016 Saturday 1:31 PM

I have been. Not dumb. I mean, I've done things with my days off (Thursday and Friday).

I mean. Thursday was pretty lame, because I meant to wake up so I could wish Liv a happy birthday in person but my body didn't rise until like noon-fifteen (YES THAT IS HOW YOU TELL TIME OKAY) and by that time she was at Laney's house.

So I basically just practiced piano until 1 PM, which was fun. Around two, or maybe half past two, Laney and Liv facetimed me so we chatted on there.

Also: it takes six months to get a license. I did not know this. God damn it. I've been learning to drive sporadically for about a year now, only been doing it regularly for the past few weeks, but I don't have my permit??? Because I suck. And we needed to get a new social security card. So I can't get my license until December at the soonest.

Ugggghhhhh. This sort of stresses me out? I need to drive to the neighboring city/county/thing whatever (not the capital city like I said before – yes, it's part of the SUNY school, but this branch is across the river from the actual city. It's next to my city, still like 20 minutes away though, drive-wise). And then I'd need to drive back to my high school in the afternoon. EVERY. DAY.

So much driving. Both my parents are employed and my sister is attending school so. ?? We're trying to figure this out.

(I can't take the bus because a bus ride takes two hours at the least. TWO HOURS. The most efficient route I could find required that first, I walk a half hour to a bus station, then I ride the bus for thirty five minutes, and then walk for another forty or so minutes to get to my destination. ????)

I think we've decided on this:

Caroline will be moving to the capital city to be closer to school, and to be farther from us (I think we're driving her insane, 'cause she's been an asshole lately).

I will live mostly with Caroline so that she can transport me to this program thing-y in the morning. I think my mom'd have to provide me with transportation around mid-day.

I feel bad that this is so much work.


8:26 PM

My friends are good. And also annoying. But mostly good.

I went to Lily's today. She asked me over around three o' clock (I was practicing piano for about an hour) and, yeah, I got there around 4-ish. It was a party for her neighbor. Marina was there. They had really good ribs.... Barbecue ribs... it was fucking delicious.

Also Lily baked cupcakes and they were really good.

Marina was pretty nice. We didn't actually do all that much, just ended up sitting around the living room playing a fucked version of Taboo (we didn't know the rules so we basically just gave each other verbal clues as to what the words were – not using the excluded word-y things, duh).

(ALSO: I won. They were all weirded out when I used the word 'doted' as in 'doted on someone'?? And also, the word banister. I guessed it and Marina was just like, "Hooww??" Her clue had been, "A fancy word for railing." I dunno I never thought it was fancy haha.)

Okay. I went home at like, almost seven? Went grocery shopping first, practiced piano..

Adrian has been bothering me for hours.

Ugh! I'm so annoyed with him. I feel like he's trying to make me feel guilty now.

For hours, he's been trying to get me to go somewhere. I said no like forty minutes ago and he kept asking :( I said no a second time and then he was all, "Well, I'm gonna just go home if you don't come."

And. Ugh. I said, "Next time tell me if you're depending on my company at an event."

And then??? Adrian told me it wasn't like that, but that I say no to those kinds of things anyway and just. What???

OKay. I have maybe said no to his invitations twice. Most of the time I go.

I'm just. Fuck Adrian. I'm really mad at him. No, I'm not. I'm just super irritated (is that the same thing?) and I want him to leave me alone. Go love someone else.

I don't know if it actually has to do with his crush on me or not. But I wish it was easy to just get him to. Not have it, anymore?

"Probably it's not going away any time soon," he had said.

God damn it. Well, I hope it does.

I want to yell at him. But I can't do that through text. I want him to ask if he's annoying me. So I can yes, "Yes. You are." But he won't. I said no again.

Adrian said: "Thank you. I wasn't sure if you wanted to or not before."

Me: "I said no like three times."

God! Okay. I'm going to... go not think about this.

(He said, "Sorry." My reply was, "Yeah." I don't feel like an asshole, but maybe I should.

I can understand why he might've thought I was just saying no for show but. Sigh. Seriously? That was a long time that he was insisting.)