undecided

i am who i am!
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2016-06-10 03:23:09 (UTC)

June10th my first .

After so long , and every boyfriend I have had , the day finally came . June 10th . I went over his house and helped his sister with the food , Erick had left and it was just her and I and it was so amazing.. bonding with her like that .. it made me feel good inside. . , we talked about him being a little boy , Erick came back and he wouldn't help lol he would just eat the tinga , his sister then left to pick up her godparents and well.. we stayed ... we went to his room and we began making out ... everything happened so fast. .. it was so hot.. , he was on me .. kissing me all over , I felt his bare skin against mine.. I looked at him and he looked at me , and I knew then what I didn't know before...I was ready . Ready to be his. All of his,   I felt  all of him in me.. , I don't think we made love. We had sex. Yes. I had sex for the first time. I don't think I would be able to say this out loud because it sounds so bizarr. I had sex. I am not a Virgin anymore. I didn't know I was going to lose it. I always imagined my first time differently .. with a guy I have been with forever . I barely hit 5 months with Erick. And I always said I was going to have 1 year . 1 year and then give it up .. but I didn't,  I was 7 months early . I always thought that sex had to be the most special moment in the world.  But it never works that way . It's different with Erick.  5 months feels like forever . Maybe when I'm older and when I read this,  I won't be with him and if that's the case.  I hope you don't regret being with him because he made you change your mindset about guys. But if I am. Then it's love . Of course it hurt so much.  I felt like I was going to die. It wasn't long , it was barely for 5 or 6 minutes honestly . Afterwards I got dressed because his sister knocked on the door so we had to stop. We went to decorate the house and his mom came and we surprised her with roses , and ballons , we then went outside on his balcony , and we sat on the wooden stairs , I was quiet .. and he sat behind me , and his hands were around me , and we could see the world... all the houses below us .. the sky ocean blue .. he told me he loved me , and only me , he talked to me about the house he would want to get with me ... in that moment , everything felt infinite . We went inside and ate with his family , and hung out outside .. then we went to his room and I layer down and I was quiet... I had just had my first time and I didn't know how to react,  he asked me what wrong and that's when I couldn't anymore . I asked him if he was going to leave me. To get bored of me. He finnally had sex with me. Is that all he wanted ? . He told me I was his first and I couldn't believe him . He is Erick.  Erick was a player.. Erick did a lot ... but I believed him . I believed his word and I hope to this day that it's true. Because if it is then we were each other's first . I began to tell him nothing works out for me  Everyone leaves and he told me when am I going to realize he isn't like everyone . He isn't them . And he was right. He isn't them . He is different.. I told him how much he loved me and how much I cared about him and that I don't think anyone can come close to him . And I wanted him to talk to me. To tell me the same but he wouldnt... he had trouble doing so , so I gave up , I told him to forget it . And I began to cry. I had given him everything . After 5 months and after I decided to lose my virginity to him , he couldn't tell me how he felt. But then the unexpected happened., he told me that it was hard because I told him long ago I wasn't a Virgin and I told him how much of an idiot he was because he was my first time . And he then believed me , and he started to cry. He began to tell me how he felt and that's when I realized he loved me . He loved me with all his heart. I don't think I would ever change the fact that I lost it to him. Erick changed my life in an unexpected way and he honestly made me believe in love and in my self , he made me mature and he made me learn to respect and love who I am. I am proud to say that I love him because I do . I love Erick and being with him makes me feel happy, and complete and safe. He is all I ever wanted and I hope one day we do it again.  But I hope next time we actually make love . Because I wonder how that feels... how it feels to do it with a passion. . Because only then will it feel like my first time .


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