✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2016-06-15 22:20:25 (UTC)

Conditioned Love


Dear Aman,

I don't know if I'll ever give you this letter.
I don't know if I'll ever tell you.

You have no idea how much you hurt me Monday evening.
You don't know.
And you probably wouldn't care, and you know how I know you wouldn't care? Because you didn't about Heather.
Because Heather told me.

You think you're a good person, but you're not.
You're not at all. You know why? You care more about a shit load of lies in a old book, then you do about me. About Heather.
About basic human rights.

I used to look up to you.
I used to want to be like you.

But I'm glad that I didn't.

This isn't the first time either.
I can't believe you tried telling us that being gay was a choice.
You ruined that Halloween. The first day I ever wore a tie...
We were in the back of your car in the taco bell drive thru...
And on the whole way home you did that...
And you may not remember it, but I've never been able to forget it.
You're my cousin... you're supposed to love me for who I am...

You didn't know that when you said what you said...
You included me..
I didn't fucking choose to be this way...


I found out yesterday that you're pregnant.
And I'm not at all happy for you.
I'm scared for you child.

Because you're going to raise it to hate me.


I don't think you'll be a good mother at all.
And I don't think that Josh will be a good father at all.
Being homo/transphobic automatically disqualifies you.

I hope for it's sake, that it's straight.


After what you said,
I don't want anything else to do with you, but I know that isn't possible. I'll have to see you sooner or later...
And honestly I wish that I could tell you how you made me feel...
But I can't come out to you.


One day I'm going to leave...
And you all are going to wonder why...
And you'll never know.
You'll all brush it off as me being the asshole.
But you'll never know that every single one of you pushed me away little by little.


I know if I told you how you made me feel,
You'd try to justify it.. you'd throw out bible verses...
I'd try explaining how I've always known...
but you'll still cling to the bible.

And part of me really wants to throw verses back.
"Oh so if you believe that homosexuality is an abomination then you MUST agree with raping a woman so long as her father gets paid, oh and stoning children to death for misbehaving, and good ol' slavery! What? No? You don't? That's strange because it's in the bible."

Fuck you.
Fuck you, and Josh, and your stupid kid.

After you said what you said,
I thought over and over to myself how I hoped that you'd never ever have kids.
And then only to find out that you're pregnant made me break down.


A requirement to being a parent is loving your child unconditionally.
And you're so full of conditioned love.
And if your kid ends up being gay...
What are you going to do?
What are you going to choose? Your religion or your kid?
You hurt me this bad... and I'm just your fucking cousin...
Imagine if I were your daughter?


This is who I am.
And if you can't accept that,
That's on you.

If you can't accept all of me, then you don't deserve any of me.


Sincerely,
Me. 100% Me.





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