LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2016-06-12 14:29:11 (UTC)

kooler than math (that's me – i'm the one who is kooler than math. um. it's 1 am. that should explain things)


"I Am Trying To Break Your Heart" by Wilco [I feel like I've said before that this song rubs me the wrong way (I don't remember, it was something by Wilco) but I change my mind, I like it]

I am an American aquarium drinker
I assassin down the avenue
I'm hiding out in the big city blinking
What was I thinking when I let go of you?

June 12, 2016 Sunday 2:33 PM


I feel pretty nice. Yesterday, after the parade and all, I did pretty much nothing but alternate watching 30 rock and Archer. And sometimes I'd play coolmath-games, haha. I'm pretty lame. I also practiced piano a bit. Honestly, I felt sort of horrible and restless and nothing was entertaining, but I'm okay now.

Which is funny, considering how Caroline woke me up.

(Also: I'm kind of embarrassed that I've felt so bad lately. I haven't re-read my entries but I think I remember what I wrote and just. I didn't mean to wallow.. WHyyyyy do I do that. Ugh, I'm sorryyyyyyy)

Basically, it was noon and Caroline was all, "Hey, you know Christina Grimmie?" and I remembered her so I was like, "Yeah, I hated her hair" (her old hair, wasthe flippy gravity-defying sort that Cristofer Drew used to have).

Then Caroline was all, "She was shot on.. Saturday?"

"To Death?"

"Yeh."

"Wow," because that's weird. I remember watching her on youtube when she was like seventeen. That would've been five years ago??? Holy shshiititiittt. People dying is so bizarre.

Especially people like her. I think to myself that it must just be a lie, 'cause. Why did she die? Why didn't she just... nOT do that? Like. C'mon, she coulda held onto all that blood until she went to the hospital, like in movies!

I know that's not how it works haha. But that's always the way I think when people die for real. I'm like. "What? That doesn't make any sense."

And then Caroline told me about the shooting at the night club and. Wow. I spent a little more time researching that because, Jesus Christ, fifty people? Holy shit!

Lots of death this weekend. I am sort of upset by it. Mostly curious, though, and I can't stop thinking about how much blood there must've been. Must've been truly awful. It's those kinds of situations that I can't even fathom. So of course I spend a lot of time trying to.

----

6:17 PM

So maybe I'm slightly still not in a good mood 'cause I'm irritable, but it's a weird kind of irritable (it has happened this way before, it's nothing new) where I sort of joke at the same time which confuses other people and also confuses me so. There's that.

Also: my parents. Are. Ugh. I just wish my mom would stop taking every opportunity to talk to me about the ways in which dad is a sucky husband and etc. etc.

Not saying she doesn't have a point. Well. My dad's not a bad husband (I determined this from observation, though) and he's a great dad, but he has his faults. So does mom. She's so quick to get angry and my dad is like... never angry. In fact, he often doesn't understand other people's reasons for anger so he kind of laughs at them. Or jokes. I don't know.

He's a big picture kind of guy, so it's hard for him to understand why someone might be upset that he tracked mud onto the carpet (this was back when we had a carpet). So he seems like an ass in those cases but I think he really just is too busy considering other things to think, "Hey, my wife vacuumed yesterday, I should probably wipe off my feet before I go in the house."

So it's all about stupid, petty stuff like that, which is what it gets down to when you live with someone constantly. I always wanna pick fights over petty things. Like Caroline borrowing my socks until I have virtually none to wear (and I borrow hers sometimes too so I can't even argue with her about it). Or when she uses a bit of my make-up or my contact solution and forgets to put it back so when I need it, I'm scrambling all over the place trying to find it. Or, like. I think Liv borrowed one of my tank tops without asking. Which pisses me off but apparently it's only about the principle of the thing 'cause I keep forgetting to actually ask for it back.

Yes. So the petty stuff does bother me. And everyone. I wish it didn't. I wanna be above it all. But, damn, it's an itch. I try not to be a bitch about it, though, 'cause I do this stuff to people all the time. Namely Caroline. With her clothes. Sooooo I can't really complain (although I hate when she goes away for a weekend without warning and takes some vital clothing item of mine???!?!?! self, calm down, that's dumb).

But, um. In the end, people needs to figure out a way to figure dis shit out. By peoples I am referring to me's parents.
---

10:32 PM

Hmm. Words are all chopped up. It seems like there are gaps between my thoughts. There should be some kind of bridge between them, a relating sentence.

I also wish I went outside today, damn. I feel all claustrophobic and restless now. I might go for a walk just to shake it off, but then maybe I should take a shower instead...

---

Oops, now it's Monday at almost 1 AM........ Hey. I'm gonna not write for a bit. It'll probs only last a day or two but like. I'm just tired of hearing my own voice in my head, y'know? So, uh. I'll be back when I'm in a better overall mood. Or when I can't shake the urge to purge. My thoughts. Purge my thoughts. Okay it's late I should sleep.


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