LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2016-06-11 14:32:16 (UTC)

Oh, Noose


"Talking Shit About a Pretty Sunset" by Modest Mouse

Oh, noose
Tied myself in, tied myself too tight

Looking kind of anxious in your cross-armed stance
Like a bad tempered prom queen at a homecoming dance
**And I claim I'm not excited with my life anymore
So I blame this town, this job, these friends, the truth is it's myself
And I'm trying to understand myself and pinpoint who I am
When I finally get it figured out, I've changed the whole damn plan**

Oh, noose
Tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Oh, noose
Tied myself in, tied myself too tight

Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon
Changed my mind so much I can't even trust it
My mind changed me so much I can't even trust myself


June 11, 2016 Saturday 2:33 PM [hey, hey, guess what I haven't forgotten about? Youuuuuu. but it's nothing like always like everything so]


I'm back from the Pride parade and last night, I was thinking that I'm really okay. Brock was like, "Hey we should talk next week it seems like you need help," but last night I thought I should cancel 'cause who needs it. Now, my mom thinks I'm depressed though.

We were on our way back from the Pride parade (she was picking me up) and I kept telling her about how I tried having fun with people, but I never really felt anything and I always want to be alone but I love people but – I don't know. Being alone is the only thing that feels okay. So she went, "That sounds like depression," and I was like, "I'm not depressed. I do stuff. Depressed people can't do stuff," and she went, "That's severe depression. YOu still sound depressed."

And I don't know, maybe she's right. I haven't felt good for awhile. Not for very long anyway.

I told my mom she needs therapy. She's cynical and keeps telling me about how disrespectful dad is and how she's so lonely. She's just plain unhappy and she's been like this for as long as I can remember. She's been taking antidepressants longer than I have (that's not surprising though).

It doesn't make me upset anymore. It used to be that, like, Mom would tell me this stuff about leaving Dad or she'd just complain or she'd just be angry about the world so I'd start crying and then she'd feel guilty so I would feel guilty and it was bad.

Now, it's like. I know they're not gonna get divorced. Dad loves Mom. Mom... won't leave us. I think she might love him, but I've never been sure.

I'm tired of Mom being so sad, though. She doesn't sleep right, does a job she doesn't even enjoy, talks very little to other people (it's very isolated here. We live around a lot of people, but everyone is private and you sorta have to go out of your way to pierce their shells. We're no exception).

I want her to talk about this with someone who is not me. I love her but I want her to actually DO something about this. Am I a hypocrite, saying that?

----

The pride parade sucked. In the morning, it was fine. I talked with my dad on the ride over and hanging out with Alexis was fine. It was raining pretty hard, though. Everyone was soaked. Alexis and I found shelter on a trolley.

When the parade started (the rain stopped), I was only half-bored because at least I got to yell and I didn't feel pressured into conversation with anyone and plus I had a blue handprint on my face. But afterwards was boring. I hugged N-dog goodbye, which made me wanna cry sorta, even though we didn't know each other well.

Then I followed this one girl and Alexis around and they ran into my neighbor (two doors down) who handed them a joint. Like, really? They offered some to me (after noticing I was still there, thanks) but I said nah and they laughed, saying, "Veronica," and I'm not sure what that meant.

They kept smoking in front of the concert stage with loud music, bad music, playing and people sort of dancing in a series of clumps that from far away looked like a Real Crowd. I sort of just stood there awkwardly as Alexis and the other girl talked. It was like, I've never felt out of place near Alexis, but I did that time. So I left. I said, "I'm gonna explore," which was secret code for I'm going to walk aimlessly in search for a place where I can be alone.

This is what I mean, though. I'm so disinterested in being around my fellow human beings, even though I love them to death and find them endlessly fascinating. Alexis felt bad 'cause she thought she was being an asshole, but. I don't feel angry with her. I feel confused. Again, not with her. Just... with myself. Why am I like this? I want to WANT to be around them and I want to frickin' smoke but what? I'd rather be at home playing lame children's computer games, which keeps me from remembering I'm a person.

Later, I told them I left because I felt awkward and didn't wanna smoke.

"We weren't gonna peer pressure you into smoking or anything," and I told them that I knew this, just that I wasn't having fun or something.

Smoking makes me feel worse anyway. Still, I wish I felt the way I did when I was fourteen and, like. I hated myself but I felt ready to explore things, I wanted to drink and do drugs and all that dumb stuff, but now I don't. Which can be seen as a good think, except for that I miss the desire to be risky.

Now, I'm not really desirous of anything. I don't know when that happened. Recently????

Sorry. I'm sorry for being negative lately. I'm not really sad. I'm just genuinely confused. Maybe I am depressed. I never wanna do anything, but I hate not doing anything. It's those kinds of thoughts that scream depression, cause like. I can't be going two opposite directions at the same time..

They all feel the same anyway.



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