Aliens, Aliens, How Do You Land a Space Ship?
"Blue Cadet-3, Do You Connect?" by Modest Mouse
June 9, 2016 Thursday 4:15 PM
Last day of school, my birthday, holidays: disappointment even as I prepare myself for the Nothing that both things are.
Expectation. Don't know what I look for in a last day. Too idealistic is my issue. Maybe I thought people would throw papers in the air, that we'd sit in a Human Puddle sobbing onto each other's shirts, that someone would fucking confess their love to me and somehow I'd love them back except for that has gotta be impossible 'cause even if they did love me, I'd have a hard time loving them back.
But wait. I know better. I've gone through a lot of Last Days (a lot of people have). Last day of fourth grade in New York before I moved to CA. And then again, my last day in California, my last day of elementary school, last day of seventh grade, last day of eighth, so on and so on. They were always kind of disappointing.
High school last days are the worst. They're fresh, though. It's just. I don't wanna leave, but I don't wanna keep going. It's the fact of change that bothers me so much. When I come back, I won't be coming /back/. It will be different, really really different. It's like that every year and it's only going to be worse next year.
I'm going to lose people. It's weird, because I think that I don't care, but then I do. I guess just not enough to keep in touch. I want them to be within reach.
I wonder whose gonna get lost this year.
I've already got this idea of the people I'll never talk to after high school.
It's just sad and I'm uncomfortable, body growing faster than skin and – I miss everything. I want everything to be now. I'm not old! I'm young, I'm young as fuck, and I feel... condemned???
I'm not the only one. Saw a girl on tumblr who felt the same. I talked to Alexis and she's got her misgivings, big as mine except maybe they don't bother her as much since she seems okay. Lily as well but I don't know how bad it is.
All the seniors today. Alexis would ask them stuff, or just say stuff, like, "It's your last day of school!" and she said to me, laughing, "They all get the same look on their faces.
Paul, he even said to us: "I'm not ready, y'know? It's like woah you're an adult now, gotta fend for yourself."
Alexis: "Are you gonna go to college?"
Paul: "I dunno... I mean. If I don't, I'll be working until I'm like sixty and just..." he sighed.
Alexis told him not to think about it that way, take it a day at a time, but I disagreed aloud. I said it's good. That way he knows what he doesn't want, and that'll help him figure out the future.
So. I'm not alone in thinking this is a sudden severance. I've got a year, is what I keep thinking, but it goes by so painfully fast and there's so much I have to do, so much that I never wanted to do, I want to get out and travel (cliché, but maybe for good reason?) because I feel like deep down, that's kind of who I'd be – if I weren't so nervous.
But I am nervous, and I need to secure my future so I'll stick around. Otherwise, I might've thought to get a job as a trucker. Or maybe I'd just live town to town on donations, beginning a life for myself in every place I go, packing up when suddenly I get that itch. I understand that itch. It's dissatisfaction, when you can't handle the up-and-down like most folks (are they just pretending?).
I'm being very negative. I should be twisting my own arm to get out of this mindset, but I'm feeling so isolated. I mean, who do I talk to? Not my friends. I don't know how to do that. Not my parents. I hold things back, same thing as my friends. Sooooo... who?
Pat? But sometimes we talk for awhile about college stuff during sessions and it's confusing. I'm glad she's guiding me, she's the only person who is really helping me, but it makes me feel sick.
I don't want any of this and whenever I get a moment to stop and think, I feel as if I'm swinging my head around in search of an exit. But??? there are none??? Not to my satisfaction. Hah, that's the problem though, isn't it?
The whole day was. Meh. It was alright. I talked to Student Teacher. He told me the social atmosphere at Skidmore was... not great. Not for him. Which means it would be stifling for me too. Not that we're super alike, but I think I understand him in a vague sort of way. He talked about these mom jeans everyone was buying, and he meant: herds. Skidmore has herds, rich kids and phonies and people that are guarded, but not in the way that I am guarded. Like Caroline's old school.
Can't have that. I'll visit anyway. Maybe I'm wrong.
I also spoke to Washington. Let him know that his class was my favorite in my entire high school career, which is true. It wasn't easy, it was actually a lot of commitment time-wise, but I always felt satisfied when I finished projects or homework, etc. He was really happy about that I think. He said, "But wait.. you're not gonna be a history major, are you?..."
"Uh, no, but I like history. I mean. I like knowledge... in general, yknow?" I said that I didn't know exactly what my major would be, but that I want to be a writer so probably English. Washington said I'd be very good at that. I remember how Liv said that he thinks I'm the best student writer or something, and that breaks my heart (everything breaks my heart lately).
"I'm thinking I might wanna be an editor. I think I can read pretty much everything."
Mr. Washington was like, "You definitely can."
Later in the day, I came down to talk to him about why I don't have my research project. He said he's a leeeeedle disappointed but that if I were to not turn it in, he'd make sure that it didn't obliterate my average since my work has been "stellar" all year. I want to cry. Actually, I might start crying. If I am going to do the project, I have to turn it in by the 20th.
I hope I do it. I hate disappointing people. It hurts me.
Fuck, Adrian's being a stupid dick! Hold on, talk to you after Peer.
Nevermind I'm back. He was doing that thing where he heads to my house unannounced and I wasn't feeling it. Sometimes he reminds me of a kid. But yeah, he didn't come. Alexis did, but that's 'cause she wanted to take a nap and I'm all good with it.
Actually, she's been at my house a lot lately, but it's been fun so I'm not complainin'
Um: Sandwich called me "incredibly intelligent." Why am I so surprised when people say this stuff??? I feel bad writing it down too. Ugh my mouth feels gross.
My lungs... are strange. Cotton-y on the sides. I think I must be tired. I've spent the year getting an average of 6 hours of sleep a night. This week, it's been worse. Yeah.... I'm sleppy.
So. I feel okay again. Sort of numb to it all, sort of tired... Thirsty and appreciative of the sun shine. It's so pretty.
I'm actually even a little excited.
Still far away from people. Wonder how I can get back wit 'em. When was I ever wit 'em though?
Gonna go get some water and play stupid coolmath-games until I gotta leave. My stomach hurts like I'm nervous, but in the nice way, and I want it to stop because it's almost painful, makes me wanna kiss someone only I can't find anyone around whose available for that.