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2016-06-07 22:32:33 (UTC)

I'm Sorry, I Wish I Was Different This Time

June 7, 2016 Tuesday 10:33 PM

Sometimes I'm watching comedies on Netflix like 30 rock and I just feel weirdly ashamed of myself for taking everything so seriously which in itself is me taking somehing way to seriously.

But like. Liz Lemon can do crazy-lady shit and embarrass herself 1000 times over and just walk off like "whatever, it can't get any worse" while I would never be in her kinds of situations in the first place. Because I'm wary of most things and monitor my actions for the most part (this is why people think I'm boring).

I don't deal well with Liz Lemon Life Lessons. This is a flaw. And I think, hey, I should probably get on that.

But, y'know. I do it alone and it's near impossible to get things done that way. So whatever progress I make will be slow, as it has always been. And I'll always feel this old part of myself and be automatically disgusted with her. I wish it weren't so. But what are wishes? Me, sitting on my ass waiting for a change. That's what they are.

Stupid shut-eye prayers at 11:11. Why do I still do that?

I don't know what's wrong with me. I try to refrain from thinking like that – what good does it do? But I don't know. Something is seriously just really fucking wrong.

Why, if I hate this lifestyle, do I insist on working myself into it?

And by that I mean: why am I always trying to pick up more responsibilities when I can't handle the ones I have? I mean, I should feel better about myself. I've orobabky accomplished a thing or two this year. But instead, I'm remembering all the times I failed. Not, like. Did badly, but the times I didn't try hard enough because I was tired and I secretly hated this whole thing.

I do it for pride. That drives me to a lot of dark places. It's why I don't talk about this stuff with other people.

My school is... Surprisingly competitive. I try not to complain because I have an easy schedule compared to, say... That girl who is going to Cornell in the fall. Or Birdy, but I don't want to think about him, that just gets me feeling inadequate. At least Cornell girl's success is somehow subtler than his. Or maybe it's just that I know she's not perfect (Liv is friends with her, tells me things – she's friends with Birdy too but never says a bad thing about him, which, good but is he human?) and so all her success doesn't bother me.

Ahhh. I just. Don't wanna talk about feeling bad. But that's what I'm doing.

I can't do anything about it, I've dug myself too deep anyway and I've got this nagging feeling like someone's gonna think I'm lazy for not Doing Everything.

I mean. Sometimes I think Liv thinks I'm lazy. But, just. Maybe I am. Maybe I am...

I can't get this nagging thought out of my head. I hate this. I hate it. I am not happy living this life and I never was. I never accepted it, but sometimes it was bearable... Is bearable.

Whyyyy why am I not like these other people I know. Who enjoy the company of others and who appreciate all their experiences. Hah! Wait, who am I talking about?

what I mean to say is, what, do I wish I stayed at home these past three years?... YES. But either way I'd feel like I missed something along the way, or took a wrong turn.

I don't want to be ANYTHING. But I feel a pressure to be something, even if that something is pathetic.

I don't feel particularly compelled to continue existing. I will, because somehow I really, really don't want to die – but I don't want to be... Here, in my body, with my views. I am unhappy. Really, and I hate saying that. I either want to stop being aware of my existence or I'd like to be someone else entirely.

That's why writing is good, 'cause I can be someone else. Somehow I always leak through, just a little, but it's better when I pretend that those feelings don't belong to me. Simply a product of imagination!

Just – and I'm going to continue living like normal when this is done and I don't know. Maybe I'll forget I felt this. But it's settled in my stomach. Can-not di-gest.

Somehow, I just feel very very trapped.

I'm so... Tired.

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