Just Another Life Journal
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2016-05-28 16:49:27 (UTC)

Living Hell

I don't make the best decisions,
but I try to be responsible for all of it.
I'm not the smartest of the bunch,
but I try to not be the left behind by everyone.

I'm not the child that the parents can brag about,
but I try to not humiliate them.
I'm not the one to cause happiness,
but I make sure not to cause sadness to people I care about.

I don't express my deeper feelings that much,
not because I'm proud of myself,
nor because I think you're not worthy of them.
Simply because I don't understand myself that well, either.

I don't cry.
Not anymore.
Not in front of other people.

Because I don't want to show you my weak side,
my fragile heart,
so I clench my fist and pretend.
Pretend that it doesn't affect me.

Today, I cried.
In my room,
in the shower,
in silence.


Because I realize
this is
the first time
I ever consider

as something better
than life.

as something better
than light.

as something better
than sound.

Because I'd rather spend my eternity in hell in the afterlife,
than trying to survive this living hell,
while wasting every second
praying to God
to take my life.