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2016-05-24 22:35:08 (UTC)

Character Flaw

"Jesus, Etc." by Wilco

You were right about the stars
Each one is a setting sun

May 24, 2016 Tuesday 10:37 PM

Yo. I feel nauseas. And depressed. And done with Adrian's bullshit. Also done with my own bullshit. I just wanna shoot myself into someone else's body, someone else's life.

I came home at 2 PM because my stomach was hurting a lot and yeah. It chilled for a bit but my head feels odd and so does my stomach. I'm not sick enough to miss school, though. I could totally sit in class like this. It wouldn't be great but. Yeah.

God. I'm not feelin' myself like at allll. I don't wanna go to school tomorrow but I also don't wanna miss it. I don't know. WHy is there so much, in my head, that relies on each and every moment. I mean why do I base my whole future off single days, or single emotions. I'm confused and this is vague enough to keep me from being wrong.

I don't wanna live with depression, or whatever this is called, anymore. Well. I guess I never wanted to, but it doesn't always seem impossible. It doesn't seem impossible now. It just seems like a lot of unnecessary work and my inner child is screaming that it isn't fair.

What if, ultimately, it isn't depression or anxiety, though? What if it's just a character flaw? A desire of mine to do nothing, be nothing, live comfortably off nothing like in a dream or something...

That is what I want, in the end. I think it fucks you up as a child, to hear all the grown-ups tell you they are sad or for them to tell you that they made a mistake and it effected their entire lives following it. I think it makes you very, very cautious. That could just be me.

Honestly, I can't blame anyone and I don't. Still.

Is there something innately wrong with me? Am I the only one who is, on some deep level, totally rejecting everything about life? Responsibilities, money, etc. etc. etc. I wanna kill it all. I wanna be without motivation. I have a feeling if I were left to my own devices, though... That I wouldn't do anything. I don't want that. I just don't obligations. I don't know!

I need structure, sort of.

It seems I am dissatisfied no matter what. Too much this, too much that, and I'm always running like it's the last stretch except for it never ends. It is obligation after obligation after obligation after obligation...

And like. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. But I especially dislike the idea of trying to do something, be involved – only to hate whatever it is I'm doing while I'm depressed or something.

I hope, hope, hope I get a fever over night. I wanna stay home. I need some time in the mind of someone else and I can do that when I'm alone. Around everyone else, I try to be more present otherwise I fall behind in pretty much every aspect.

Character flaw. Is what I suspect, and what I think I've always suspected, and it's kind of a big flaw, y'know? It's kind of what makes me quit doing the things I love. And that's. A problem.

It is hard to articulate how disgusted I get with myself sometimes, really, because that'd require listing every horrible thing I know about myself and I am never gonna do that. As much as I admire honesty, I can't. Do that.

Hah! My mom just told me she shit her pants earlier (we ate some shitty chinese food yesterday, but I'm okay I think). I am entertained. Aw. Thanks mom for making me laugh. Aw. I love you, mom.

I hope I don't die anytime soon.

I also hope that neuroscientists and research psychologists have some sort of breakthrough understanding of the brain sometime really soon, so they can fix everyone who doesn't feel quite right and I don't have to worry about this anymore. Unless, of course, it really is just something carved into my personality. Then, folks, I'm out of luck.

OK well. I'm okay. Except my throat hurts a little now. Please, body, be sick! No, wait. Be well. Fuck it, bE SICK! Good-bye. Good-night. Oh damn.

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