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2016-05-22 15:36:05 (UTC)

Useless Thought

"Anna's Sweater" by Two Gallants

On the 22
Slowly crossing town
You looked at me
Yea you were lookin'
You were lookin' down at me
So low in subtlety

Well I'm not the victim here
That much I know
That much is clear
But it's just that much
It's just that much


Soft words echo loud into his ears
And this is not as bad
As it, as it appears
As it appears

May 22, 2016 Sunday 3:37 PM

(Panic is creeping in because I have so much work to do and very, very, very little motivation – people, I can't make my body move)

Yo. Sup. How are you? Good? Bad?.... Yeah. This is a very unfulfilling conversation we're having. At least it is on my end. I can't hear a word you're saying, if you're saying anything at all.

I wonder what it's like to be one of those authors whose works are assigned in English classes. The live ones I mean, like Harper Lee. Oh my gosh. Well, she's dead now, but. She was alive for a long time while To Kill A Mockingbird was being thrown at children.

(Not my grade, though – they took the book out of our curriculum because some kids who went to middle schools that were better than mine had already read it. Actually, I'm pretty sure my school was the only middle school in the area that didn't make us read classics in seventh and eighth grade, which pisses me off).

Anyway. I wonder what it's like to be an assignment. I think I wouldn't mind. I know some kids would probably hate my writing (this is hypothetical, assuming my writing could ever be good enough to be 'classic' or something) but I also know there are some quiet kids, some loud kids, whatever-kids, who would actually like it. I'm one of those people right now, is why I'm pretty sure I know that. I hope I know that.

What a nice thing, to be appreciated in the way you intend.


So. I am still feeling fucked (ah. classic language right there). It is way, deep down in my body, and I am really not helping myself get better.

I'm... "trying"?

It's just. It's. I'm tired. I keep staying up late even when I know I shouldn't, keep playing computer games while my homework (a research paper... hah... I'm going to die) sits untouched in separate tabs, keep shutting my eyes against the world until it's nearing noon and the sun makes my skin too hot.

At least it's not like the summer, when I sleep till two and try not to get all depressed because of that, haha.

I don't know. I want this to go away. I feel terrible and okay. Mostly, this is not a twisting knife type depression. I don't want to die and I don't hate myself for every tiny mistake I've ever made (although I've caught myself dwelling excessively this week, and I've been a little more sensitive than normal. Cool).

This depression is more. Numb. Really numb. At least before, when I was like. Worried I stopped caring about people. I at least could enjoy being alone and stuff? This is like the opposite? I care about people and all. But I can't seem to desire anything? I don't want to write or sleep or be awake or paint or any of the things I normally want to do.

Sometimes I just want to numb my head from the boredom, too (well, okay, I guess most people want this – that's why we don't just sit on our asses all day long. Unless that suits our fancy... or, y'know. It could be due to something else... ok why am I on this train of thought jesus I'm getting off). Do math. Math is nice. Disappoints when I think about it because I suuuuuccckkkk. But nice when I'm doing it. Meditative. Like piano. I'm glad I took it back up. Even if I'm not feelin' it at the moment.

I've been listening to a lot of folk-y, slow music which is nice. I haven't gotten tired of that.

Liv came over yesterday. It was fun, but I didn't get any homework done so I kinda wish she didn't. Still. She complimented me lots but was also an asshole, as usual.

(!!! I made her food and she finished it before I could finish making mine, so she kept eating my food!!! I was!!! pissed and told her to stop or I would cry... but then I felt a little generous and gave her a bite. Sharing is like the most important thing to my mom. Whenever I get upset about sharing, I remember her scolding my dad for refusing to let us try his food and then I've just gotta do it because my mom used to say, 'don't be selfish like papi'... now that I think about it, that's not good. Poor dad. He was just hungry.)

She almost cried! Oh my gosh. Liv was going on about how she talks about me too much and she thinks people are getting annoyed. I can't wrap my head around that. Why??? Does she brag about me??? I asked her and she tried to explain but. Like. What?

Then, Liv goes, "You're the best friend I've ever had and..." sniffles,"Nope. Nope. I'm not having this conversation. I don't wanna cry."

And I spent some minutes pretty much begging her to cry so she could shower me in compliments and stuff. I was all, "I need this!!! You don't understand, whenever people give me compliments, they don't... last? Because I feel like they're not FOR me... I mean. I don't feel like I've accomplished anything in my life at all. Anything people say I've accomplished feels like it was accomplished by someone else... which is probably why I still go to therapy haha..."

It didn't convince her??? Whatevs. One day I will make her tell me.

She made me pinky promise we'd keep in touch for the rest of our lives. I did, but. I know better and I think she does too, deep down. She's just more hopeful than I am. We will grow and change and there's a chance we won't grow together. She will probably be the best friend I've ever had but. I don't know about 'forever.' That seems like a Big Thing. I am not even good at maintaining Small Things. Ah, who cares.

Liv met Polly the piano teacher (did I call her Polly? or was it Petunia? God damn it, I should start writing this down) and really likes her because "she seems so happy, not like the other adults I see," which, yeah, Is like exactly what I thought about her and about Sandwich. I think Polly is actually sad. Haunted. But she's far from a victim and this is good. She enjoys life. So sadness is pretty much nothing in the face of that. It's easy to say that from where I stand (it shouldn't be, but it is).

I have to pee and I feel stupid.

I'm going to watch some VSauce and try my hardest to understand what he's saying. I want to be able to retain information. I watched a bunch of minutephysics and Vsauce last night and then slept on it, which was a good idea on my part I think. REM sleep be helpin' me learn, peeps. Not that Vsauce or minutephysics are very thorough, because how are you s'posed to gain complete understanding from a sixty second video (Vsauce is like 10 to 20 minutes but um. ya)??? Still.

I hope I am able to make myself do stuff very soon. Being lazy just makes me feel emptier.

Okay. I think I'm done. I've probably forgotten something but, hah. Shrug. I wanna skip a bunch of school, but we're on the last two weeks already, and they're not even full weeks.

No. Bye.

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