LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2016-05-16 23:44:18 (UTC)

Forever Ago (AKA a couple days previous yo)


"Sprawl I (Flatland)" by Arcade Fire [Idk this has been stuck in my head]

Took a drive into the sprawl
To find the house where we used to stay
I couldn't read the number in the dark
You said "let's save it for another day"

I took a drive into the sprawl
To find the places we used to play
It was the loneliest day of my life
You're talking at me, but I'm still far away

Let's take a drive through the sprawl
Through these towns they built to change
And then you said "The emotions are dead"
It's no wonder that you feel so strange

Cops showing their lights
On the reflectors of our bikes
Said "Do you kids know what time it is?"
Well, sir, it's the first time I felt like something's mine
Like I have something to give

The last defender of the sprawl
Said "Well, where do you kids live?"
Well, sir, if you only knew what the answer's worth
Been searching every corner of the earth

May 16, 2016 Monday 11:46 PM


I am wearing Liv's sweater. It is comfortable.

Track practice sucked today and I'm not sure why. We sprinted five 100s, two 300s, and strode (that's past tense of stride, right?) a 400. For some reason, I was dead by the end?

In the past, we've done like. Five 500s. And on another day of practice, five 300s. And on yet another day, four 400s.

But, like. I dunno. Today I really sucked and my legs went numb and my head really hurt. I don't like track now that most people are gone. The only one's left are in this tight-knit group. They were already friends. So it's really lonely. I will be glad when the season is finally over, on Wednesday I think.

Ugh. Who cares. I like this word, 'disaffected.'

Mesentery. Metastasize.

I'm still annoyed with Adrian and I feel like he can sense it... I suspect this because it seems as if he's trying harder around me now. Although I don't know if this is true or I'm just making things up with these dirtied eyes.

I really need space and I feel like he's not giving it to me! Like. I can be around him but I just don't wanna talk as much. And if we talk, I want it to be light conversation. No more! God damn! Meaning! Nothing means anything more than what it is!.... I think...

I just. Don't understand that one thing. Aristotle (thanks google). "The whole is greater than the sum of its parts."

Is this really true, though? It FEELS true. But I'm not sure. When I think about it, I don't think we're more than what we're made of. Packed meat. Flesh bags. Mucus. Blood. And the synapses... they make something beautiful. Yes.

We only see part of it, though. Don't we? We see the product of the part's work, and we're trying to work backwards from that but we've still go a long way to go.

Is it just us? Creating meaning? Hmm. I'm beginning to hate the word 'meaning' and so with that I shall now go to slepp. No, that's not spelled wrong.

––––

May 17, 2016 Tuesday 5:21 PM


I didn't mention this but I missed a dose over the weekend. And then I didn't take my Sunday dose until like eight o' clock at night (I normally down it in the morning, yo). I missed a dose last week and/or the week before, too, so I've started putting the pills in one of those daily pill boxes. That way I won't have to so often deal with... this, haha. This being sadness. I feel very. Everything is blue and I'm dull and I can't concentrate.

Whatevs.

I love Lily. I don't feel like describing why. I don't feel like writing at all.......

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Fuck fuck fuck.

Adrian is still irritating me. I need space! Not physical space. Mental space. I wish he'd stop talking to me. Or, I wish I couldn't hear him talk at all.

One thing is. I know in the past I was all appreciative of the way he could feel comfortable enough to insult his friends (jokingly)? And, like. I stand by that and all – but I don't want CONSTant insults. He's always pulling the same joking insults, too. It's not funny or even endearing.

The way I tease Liv is different. This is the type of teasing I'm referring to when I say that it is my favorite part of friendships. This is a type of teasing a lot of people have with their friends. Which is, I dunno, she'll say something the wrong way and I'll repeat her mockingly and she'll laugh while telling me to shut up.

Or I'll be sarcastic with her or something, I dunno, it's just poking fun. And most of these little remarks are not on anyone's actual physical attributes.

Whatever. I don't care about the occasional, "Aww Veronica's got chubby lil fangers"

What I do care about is, "Haha Veronica's fat fingers. Too fat to do anything. I bet you can't even bend them."

(That's sort of something Adrian would say?... Like, go on this whole story quest type thing elaborating on a particular insult. Which, it's true I have chubby fingers and I'm okay with people making fun of them but the whole story thing kind of rubs me the wrong way. There's a line somewhere between a short joke and the weird things that Adrian says sometimes.

I'm not sensitive enough that I won't laugh at the certain jokes at my expense – this, I learned hanging out with Sandwich, where they will make fun of pretty much anything about you unless you get all teary-eyed or something – but c'mon).

I'm just. This is the annoyance of the day. I cannot tell you how much Sandwich and John make fun of me, but I don't care. It's always about the same things and most of their jokes aren't even true. Unless they catch me off guard, it's fine. Ya get used to it. They're interesting people. But you can only be around them if you're willing to be tough. This is a price I'm willing to pay.

It's not the same with Adrian. He's interesting but... It's just not the same. Don't know why yet.

Today he said someone – at some unspecified point in the past – asked him, "Is Veronica just really boring?" He said he told them I'm only boring with people I don't know very well, which is true haha. Adrian wouldn't tell me who asked, which was annoying, because he WOULD tell me that he remembered who it was. Ugh. It's not like I was gonna get upset at them or anything. I was just curious. ("just curious," hah. Curiosity kind of kills me sometimes, though... I can let it go)

Adrian calls me boring all the time. I guess it's a joke because he's told me on multiple occasions that I'm not boring at all so I ignore it.

See what I mean, though? There's a difference between teasing and, like, criticism of a person's entire personality. He's joking, I know, but I don't really think it's funny. It's not particularly hurtful either just. Dull. Same with some of the jokes Sandwich and John make. I'm tired of them. They don't mean much to me. They're just words and they begin to sound like small-talk. AKA boring. Nothing but noise to fill empty space. Which is what it seems like Adrian is trying to do sometimes.

He doesn't need to try so hard.

I'm getting this all out here so I don't say something I will regret in real life.

Oh. I showed Isaac my sketchbook today. I didn't like doing it. I was very uncomfortable. I hate showing people my things. I also hate denying people, though. It's weird. Adrian tried to look too but I sort of freaked out a little, haha. It's just – he's critical of shit. It doesn't help that he's been jokingly insulting me a LOT lately. So sure, maybe he'd compliment my drawings or something, but that's not something he's going to repeat. He's going to find some page where I messed up and bring that up as a "joke," in the future. I just don't like his criticism. It seems like he's... trying. Trying what?... Jesus, I don't know. I guess he seems try-hard in a lot of ways and most of the time, I don't mind it. Annoyance will fade, self. Annoyance will fade.

(I am not sure this is an accurate view of how things are actually happening. Maybe I'm just being sensitive because of missing doses and stuff. Nah... 'cause it doesn't apply to everyone.... But still. I won't see all this the same way in a couple of weeks. So I'm not sure how I feel, writing it down, if it's only temporary. But I guess most of what I write is temporary.

Most of it's not so hurtful to others, though.)

Isaac's criticism is okay. He does it in an honest, chill way so I can like. Dig that. He's not trying to do anything other than give me his opinion and he's not looking down on me.

Still, I'm gonna ignore the bit of criticism he DID have because it was on a sketch in my sketchbook and like ????? It's a sketchbook. Some of the shit I drew was... shit. BEcause it's a sketchbook. JUst like how this is a diary and sometimes I write really stupid stuff. I'm not trying to get at something bigger. Although I had abandoned that drawing 'cause I thought it was sort of... "obvious" as he put it. So he's accurate there. Go Isaac. I wish I had given him a proper thanks, but his looking at my drawings was driving me crazy.

Didn't go to practice 'cause I forgot my sneaks. Heh.

Okay. Going now. Tired.

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