Snuffy

Danielito
2016-05-19 15:41:00 (UTC)

I'm Batman

I had that phone conversation with Colleen and I said everything I wanted to say.
Remember how I was waiting for the right time to talk to her. Well, I'm so glad I didn't force a conversation because it came to me.
She sent me a funny article to read. Then we kept texting for a bit and she asked how I was doing and if I wanted to chat.
My heart was pounding. Was I ready to do this?? I viewed it as the conversation which would define my future, which is not far from the truth because it was going to determine if Colleen and I would have a future at all.
I called her and tried not to be rigid and tense. I'm good with keeping things lighthearted and friendly so I naturally took that approach. After a few seconds we were laughing and having an enjoyable exchange like before - like nothing happened.
At one point I finally asked her how she was doing; how this arrangement between us was working for her. Of course I hoped she'd say that she was ready to get back together but I also knew it was more likely that she was calling to say it's over. She told me it had helped her to take a step back and things were getting better.
I don't remember the order of what was said but she explained very vaguely about what it was like for her to get back from France feeling happy and the most like herself, dating a guy named Jordan, realizing it wasn't what she wanted and ended it without hesitation, then dated her ex and when he broke up with her it was surprisingly devastating and she was confused. It was the first time she had felt that way and she didn't understand it.
I jumped in saying I totally understood, and that now we have one more thing in common. We laughed.
I related my experience of finding myself and being happy then meeting her and things got even better because she really fit into my life really well and I was able to be myself around her. But when she broke it off I wasn't able to slip back into my regular life. I was in pieces. A mess. I related how I was trying to figure out if I missed her of if I missed the feelings. And even though I did miss being with her and how I felt, I concluded that I really did miss her. I told her she has everything I want minus having feelings for her ex. We laughed again. Then I said that I wanted to get back together because I'm ok with her having feelings for her ex because I knew eventually that would dissolve and it would just be us, and I believed in us. I believed this was something worth pursuing.
She said she missed spending time with me. So I flat out asked her if she wanted to get back together. There was a pause, followed by "I need a little more time."
I said ok. Then I explained that I always want to respect her and her needs. That I don't mean any disrespect by asking her out again. It's just what I want to see happen, and I'm allowed to ask for things too.
It was just a great exchange. We talked a little more. And we ended the conversation leaving things as uncertain as before but for some reason I felt better. Partly because I was proud of myself for being so eloquent. I can't even believe I did that. I was very good. Better than what I just wrote. Nothing felt forced. It all came out at the right time and in the right order. I didn't have to give the long, rehearsed speech I had been preparing in my mind for the last 3 weeks, yet I said everything I wanted to say, only more naturally.

I don't know how that girl is still resisting me. I'm Batman! lol

So, here's another victory. The more I thought about Mary bringing Richard to London's baptism, the more it bothered me. I decided I wasn't going to lie down and take it. It's bullshit and she needs to hear about it. So, last night she came over with London's precious pink blanky, and I said, "Can you wait a second, I need to talk to you." I went upstairs to hand London her blanket, then went back downstairs. My heart was pounding and as I began to speak, I even got emotional. No crying but my voice was shaky. And that's when I knew how strongly I felt about this. The noticeable suppressed emotion worked in my favor, as Mary could see I meant business.
I told her I didn't feel it was right for Richard to be at the baptism. I told her it was completely inappropriate, and that she was being very inconsiderate of my feelings. "Anyone less than family or a fiance, doesn't need to be there."
She said they plan on getting married.
"Are you engaged??"
"No."
"How long have you been dating??"
"A month and a half..."
"Do you see what I'm saying?"
I told her this was going to be a big day for me, being that I've been on a spiritual journey of repentance and addiction recovery in order to baptize London, and now the whole experience is going to be tainted with having to fight the negative thoughts and feelings of having her brand freakin new boyfriend sitting 3 rows away at OUR daughter's baptism.
She said she didn't understand why it was a big deal for me.
I told her it was mostly on principle. He has no business being there. And it's going to make me uncomfortable because it's weird! I said I hadn't heard one good argument for why he needs to be there.
"Is London gonna be sad if he doesn't go? I highly doubt it. This is about you. It's not about London."
"Richard thinks she's a cool kid and..."
"He doesn't hardly know her!"
"It's just that if he's going to be a part of her life, I don't want him to miss this."
"You don't even know if he is going to be a part of her life yet because you just started dating him. And I've been checking myself against other people and everyone agrees that this is inappropriate. And if Richard heard this conversation and still wanted to go, there's something wrong with him."
"...He did ask me if I was sure he should go.."
"BECAUSE EVEN HE KNOWS IT'S WEIRD! You're the only one who doesn't see that! Now, I just wanted to tell you how I felt about it. You're going to do what you're going to do. But I'm asking you to take my feelings into consideration."
At some point, when I said she was being inconsiderate of my feelings, she argued that I was being inconsiderate of hers and Richards's. I think that's what lead to the part about WHY he needed to be there, and that I hadn't yet heard a good reason.
Toward the end she said, "I feel like if I agree to this, I'm letting you control my life."
"You're being considerate of me. That's all."
She said she had to go and that she would think about it. I said thanks sort of sarcastically and said goodnight. I was pissed.
But I did it. I stood in the kitchen afterward and I celebrated the accomplishment by swinging punches in the air and flexing the adrenaline out of my system. It felt great to stand up for myself.

I have to give some credit to Eric for helping me gain some confidence. Usually, I would be critical of myself for feeling jealous and I'd feel powerless. But without those negative feelings of inadequacy I was able to do what I did. I'm allowed to ask for things that I want. I'm allowed to object and I am learning that I can be convincing when I feel like I have a legitimate point to make.

Big steps in the right direction for me.




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