LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2016-05-15 19:45:59 (UTC)

'splain


"Anthem" by Leonard Cohen

You can add up the parts
but you won't have the sum
You can strike up the march,
there is no drum
Every heart, every heart
to love will come
but like a refugee.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering

*There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.*


Sunday May 15, 2016 7:46 PM


The 'rents are in the process of buying a new house, sort of. It's in the capital city and they're looking for a house to buy so they can rent it out (and so my sister can live there, as it's closer to her school). That's pretty wicked, yo...

I can't believe I'm going to school at a University (sort of????) next year?!?!?!! Oh my god I'm freaked out. My heart hurts and I'm desirous of everything all of the sudden.

I'm going to do all that I can no matter how terrible and I'm never going to think I'm good enough and I'm never going to know if I'm great at something – I am weirdly okay with that.

It's like what Adrian said to me the other day... "You think you're average but you're really above average at... a lot of things," which just struck me as the oddest thing anyone could ever say to me. I wanted to be all, "Keep going, Adrian, please. Keep talkin' just like that. I wanna hear allllll the nice things," but instead I think I replied sort of sarcastically or something because that's how I do, yo.

Ugh. On Friday, Adrian had been annoying me. Don't really know why. In my sister's words (I tried explaining it to her), he has a tendency to try and "intellectualize" everything and on that day, I had an aversion to meaning, I guess. I often have an aversion to meaning. In daily life, that is. I know in other aspects, I let supposed meaning get in the way of like. Reality and stuff. Always trying to figure out the purpose of this-and-that...

Well, yeah. Sometimes Adrian makes things out to be like they matter and for some reason, this angers me – I want it to be nothing.

There was a splotch of orange paint dried on this canvas. It had obviously been spilled accidentally. He said, "I like it better this way," and then looked at me, waiting for... something. I just said I had no opinion on the matter. Mostly, I tried to say as little as possible, though.

In my head, I had a looootttt of stored comments. Most of them angry. And maybe mildly antagonistic. I didn't want to start a fight that I'd already had before, with other people for other reasons (still, it was essentially the same idea – me, trying to change something about them). I'd already said something kind of challenging to him the day before. Something about it being so easy for him to make up fantastic stories like they're real – something about how it's so easy for him to lie. It doesn't even matter, though?

I dunno. I just need/needed space (we'll see tomorrow if I've stopped being irritated at him). Apparently, he got the message because he didn't stay with Lunch Cru for sixth period. I told Alexis I was glad he'd left.

Sandwich thinks we're a thing. He said that it's shit for someone to have a girlfriend while in love with someone else, in reference to Adrian.

I said, "He's not in love with me," because. Hah. Hahahaa. Okay. What a bizarre thing to say! Still, Alexis looked disbelieving. "He might have a crush on me but he's not in love with me."

Sandwich scoffed, all, "Don't be naive, he follows you around like a lost puppy," which, okay. I hate that description. Partly because it's cliché and partly because it's just a sad, guilt-inducing image.

I am not to be trusted with these sorts of feelings. Really. This is not good. Half of me wishes Adrian didn't like me that way (if he even does, I'm still doubtful) and the other half wishes so badly to exploit it. Isn't that awful? I don't even feel bad. I wanna manipulate him, y'know? I wanna flirt and ask him sly if he really loves his girlfriend... do terrible shit like that. Use him in the quietest way possible.

I won't, though. At least not consciously. What's stopping me? Morality? I guess. He's my friend. That's a terrible thing to do to a friend. When I think about it, I feel the consequences would be minor, and so it'd barely matter... I dunno. I'm not used to this? It's power, I guess. Never give me that much power. I just wanna know what would happen... huh.

But, okay. None of this is troubling me too much.

Most feelings I have towards others are severely confusing...

Yeah, okay. My friendship with Liv is going through a golden age :D It has, of course, had golden ages in the past, just as it has had sort-of-dark-ish ages.

We bought tickets to a Twenty One Pilots concert in January! Jesus, that's so far from now. I'll be a hell of a lot closer to being eighteen years old. Grosoosoossssss. I'm excited! She's so happy! I don't love twenty one pilots anymore – I think they angst too much – but still. They pump me up yo. Apparently Birdy is going. I'd be lying if that didn't influence my decision to buy the tickets (really, though, I just love concerts). My crush is sort of hopefully at it's high point. Soon, it shall wane and what a relief that'll be.

Boring relief. Hah.

I wonder where I'll be next January. I wonder how many times I'll have cried over school stress. I really hope I'll have made friends by then. I'm really bad at making friends, which is 50% of what is stressing me out about this program in the first place.

Also! Liv says she likes when I bite her. Heh. Good. I really, really love biting people. That sounds... I don't know how that sounds. I just like it. Biting people's shoulders and necks. I will put my mouth on you. I want to.

I asked her what made her think of that. She said, "I don't know. I think of ya a lot yo"

Okay. She is the koolest.

Oh, gosh. I'ma rip my eyes out.

Last full team track meet was on Wednesday. I got two Personal Records. One for each race (100 and 200!!!!). Most of the team is gone now – sigh. I'm continuing to practice with a few of the other girls until Suburban Council on Wednesday. Someone called it "sectionals" but I dunno if it IS sectionals.

I'm sort of really afraid I'm going to be in like last place.

OK. Gonna go. Post this later. Beye.


----

11:39 PM

I read this on songmeanings (for the above titled song):

The line "a crack in everything" seems to come from a book by Jack Kornfield on buddhism. The story is that a young man who had lost his leg came to a buddhist monastary thing, and he was extremely angry at life, and always drew these pictures of cracked vases and damaged things, because he felt damaged. Over time, he found inner peace, and changed his outllook, but still drew broken vases. His master asked him one day: "Why do you still draw a crack in the vases you draw, are you not whole?" And he replied
"yes, and so are the vases. The crack is how the light gets in"


Murder me, I say. Nostalgia seems to be my most consistent emotion. Ambivalent, ambivalent. bitter-sweet-bitter.

'splain it.


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