✯Sincerely, Me✯
☯LivingWithMyself☯
The Fifth Break-Up
Dear Reader,
So, if you read my diary..
You might have read a place or two where I mentioned I had a boyfriend.
I wasn't doing good in the relationship, and I needed to take some steps back, so I told him this, and we did.
And the day before yesterday,
I started feeling low in the middle of a skype call with him.
Skype fucked up, and we started talking over facebook chat.
I think he noticed it...
Because right before the call dropped,
I saw him make a really upset face...
And I started feeling guilty that I might had just spread my low feeling to him.
He told me he was low once we started talking again on facebook.
And I told him I felt the same.
He said he was going to get off...
And I tried being okay with that.
But after a little bit I was feeling so overwhelmed, and so I just messaged him saying I needed him.
What kinda struck me as weird was that he came back.
I thought he had gone to bed, but he responded immediately.
I told him I was even lower.
And he immediately was frustrated to hear this.
Because he hasn't been able to make me feel better in the past..
I wasn't originally going to tell him what was in my head,
But I just couldn't hold it in... I just started telling him.
And I tried telling him how I felt that I needed to seek professional help... to which he completely tried talking me out of.
I've felt strongly about this for a long time.
I know it doesn't always work for some people,
But I think it would be easier for me to do that for myself...
Instead of putting it on other people who may not know how to help or even feel comfortable dealing with me.
I still want to at least try it.
I want to be able to talk to someone about things in my head who is prepared to hear them... someone unbiased and educated in mental health... I can't talk about certain things to people in my life...
Because of what these things are, they would push people away.
They would see me or treat me differently.
Whereas a professional couldn't do that...
What do I have to lose to try it? Money, but it would be worth it.
Even if it doesn't work, at least I'd know...
At least that would be something I did to try and help myself, right?
Sometimes when I'm really low,
The thought of finally being able to receive professional help,
is what helps me through it...
But Josh was trying to convince me that it doesn't work,
And that I'm thinking it's going to magically fix all of my problems.
And that's not what I expect.
I hope that it will me to help me deal with my problems better.
Not magically make them go away, but to OVERCOME them.
I was trying to explain this to him, but I just couldn't communicate it well enough... and he wasn't having it.
And I became frustrated.
He couldn't see what was in my head...
He doesn't know about the things in my life that I'd rather not share..
He wasn't me... he can't see things through my eyes.
And, he wasn't listening or trying to understand...
And it was making me a little mad...
That he was kicking my hope when I was low.
And so I told him he didn't understand.
To which he exploded.
He responded with
"I'm done with you... how dare you say that..."
I was.. confused.
He was just angry.. and started telling me off.
And was pushing me away.
I started shutting down.
I was crying, but I was numb.
He was being aggressive..
Saying he was done with me,
Saying he needed a break from me, because I was killing him.
He told me that it hurts him when he can't help me.
Something he repeatedly said was that I wasn't doing anything to help myself.. to get out of here...
I told him I was sorry for pushing my problems onto him..
And that maybe a break was a good idea.
And he told me that no, he didn't want to be around me anymore..
And that if I actually manage to do something than to give him a call..
And I warned him that if he walked away,
I might not be able to let him back in.
Because of the whole when something hurts me too much, I sever it thing.
And he said fine, he didn't care anymore.
And he left for a little while.
I had a feeling that he might come back...
And I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted him too.
I was crying my eyes out.. trying to push it all down.
Trying to just watch the game grumps.
I was telling Nick what had happened.
I was trying to tell myself that this was probably for the best.
I was trying to tell myself that see, this was great.. now I wouldn't have any strings attached, and I could talk to other people again, guilt-free...
I was trying to tell myself that I'm single like I wanted to be after I broke it off with Chaz..
But it wasn't helping.
I was crying.. trying to just forget him.
Forget his laugh.. forget his eyes...
his smile... his voice and accent.
Trying to forget his body...
His adorable personality.
Forcing myself to purge my brain of the memories..
Especially the good ones, because those hurt the most.
Wondering what the hell I was going to do with the stuff I had for him in a box under my bed...
Whether I should keep it or toss it..
I just couldn't deal with that.
I was shutting down.
I knew that the next day would be hard.
I knew that getting over him wouldn't be easy.
It was technically the second time I've ever been dumped.
It technically made the 5th break-up this year.
Two between him and I...
And then one with Chaz, Josh, and Jon...
He posted in his diary, and I couldn't help but read it.
I'm sorry.. I know I said I wouldn't anymore, but I wanted to know.
He was upset that he had left.. because I'm all he had.
He said he needed to fight the temptation to come back.
He came back.
He asked me if he could tell me something.
I won't write about the stuff he told me.
But it helped me understand why he said what he said..
And why he got so upset.
He told me before that he pushes people away..
And I guess that was all he could do in the moment because it was hurting him so bad.
I guess I can understand that.
He asked me if I could forgive him.
I forgive people... too easily.
But then I cling onto the things they did or said..
So that I can hurt myself with them later.
Twisted, I know.
He said in his entry that I was the only person he had left.
And I can't help but wonder if the only reason he came was because he was too afraid to be alone.
I took him back.
Call me stupid, I don't care.
I'm just worried about him.
I'm worried about us.
I'm not sure what to do really.
There's so much about this that I'm worried about.
I feel like something's wrong..
With him, or with me.
With us?
Sometimes I feel like we're on different pages..
Like we're not clicking like we used too..
Like we're not communicating deeply enough.
I'm just really confused..
And I really hate to admit that...
I want to talk to him about this,
But I know it might cause another argument.
I'm scared of what the outcome of it could bring us too.
I know I can't avoid talking about it forever..
I just needed to vent it out here.
One thing I know that is still certain,
Is that I'm done with relationships for awhile.
He's getting tests done tomorrow,
and I wish I could be there for him.
He acted kinda distant yesterday and today when we talked...
Sincerely,
Confused
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