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2016-05-10 22:58:55 (UTC)

Blinded By The Sun

"The Hand That Held Me Down" by Two Gallants [I... love... this.... why is this band so good at lyrics??????]

And ever since your epitaph was splattered on my wall
No one comes to call. they can't stand the stench
But I still sing your praises every time the curtain calls
The burden on me falls
Yeah, I alone stand at your defense

"Trembling of the Rose" by Two Gallants [!!!]

But oh girl, what have I done?
Another fool blind by the sun
No, which way shall I run?

But look out now, I can't see straight
Just woke up and it's getting late
And I'm as full of hate
As I used to be

But in the hour of my demise
I'll recall your empty eyes

Tuesday May 10, 2016 11:01 PM

My dad was all, "So I heard Mom railed on you." By that, he means my Grandma. And yes, she did.

It was one of those moments that made me wanna punch myself in the face, if just to keep myself from hurting anyone else. She called on Mother's day and I came downstairs to fetch my homework or something. Dad handed me the phone so I could wish her a happy day and all, right?

I did. She asked me if I got my mom a gift. I didn't. I told her I'd been preparing for exams and hadn't had time. Cue the lecture.

Jesus Christ. As if I didn't regret it already. She just made me feel shitty. She was like, "You must appreciate the people around you." Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!!!!!

Exams, schexams. "Those exams may make YOU happy, but you have to consider what will make OTHERS happy..." -Grandma

????? AhhH! I wanted to scream. I didn't talk back or anything. Had it been my mom or dad, I would've argued. Not to be a brat but because fighting is easier than holding back. Easier for everyone, I mean. It sucks in the moment but there's less tension. We get along well. And I've been right before, so they respect my opinion and I like to think I respect theirs.

(I know, I'm lucky to have my folks)

But yeah. She just went on this tangent about how I should pay less attention to myself and more to others.

Part of why I'm so frustrated is that I don't think she's completely wrong. Based on this diary, it's like all I think about is myself. I try not to be like that in real life. I try to keep it all contained here... or in therapy sessions, which I've been severely lacking for like two months.

Plus, I know that lately, I've been very focused on my stupid studies and stupid thoughts about stupid future stuff. Or I've been thinking about writing. I've been actively trying to pay more attention to Lily and Laney because they make the same complaints that my Grandma does – I don't pay them enough mind.

And then Isaac. He was basically getting at the same thing (I never ended up talking to him about that, by the way).

Liv doesn't mention it because she isn't offended by my lack of attention at times. She feelz me.

Then there's Dude, who was I guess not okay with the fact that we stopped talking.

This stuff drives me crazy. I love you. I love you all. I'm not even just saying that. Sometimes I don't mean it. Sometimes I don't love anything at all. But, like. I really, really, really mean it right now and I want to say it's always there, even under the apathy. But I'm not sure if that's the real thing or just an echo. I guess, though, if it appears to be the same, then they're about equal.

Point is: I really fucking love you and I'm really fucking terrible at showing it. It's really hard for me. I just – can't. Even with Liv. She'll say all kinds of nice stuff to me. Yesterday, she said, "Remember in the very beginning of our relationship (like way too early in our relationship lol) I told you no matter what happens between us I'll still love you and think highly of you?? Well yeah that's 100% true. So even if we stop talking or something just know that I'm somewhere thinking about you hoping your alright <3 aw I'm getting all teary eyed man"

I, in fact, do not remember Liv saying that. I probably didn't believe her. I don't even know if I believe her now, but I'm just gonna say I do – analyzing is pointless sometimes.

But... You see??? Liv means so much to me but. I don't know how to say it. What to say. It's easy when I write. Write as someone else, I mean. A little harder as myself. Okay, a lot harder. Not as hard as it is to actually say to her. Anyone, for that matter.

Liv is really pretty and really soft and really smart and goal-oriented and blunt and genuinely interested in other human beings. She's honest and a good-listener and open minded and easy to get along with, easy to talk to. She has the purest of intentions and when she doesn't, she always expresses regret for that fact. Liv is good at art and she loves the things I love (and vice versa) and we can talk for hours about a mixture of stupid stuff and deep shit.

I like this stuff about her. It doesn't sound very personal though. Not to me,

I don't like her sense of humor sometimes. I think it's really stupid. Other times, it overlaps with mine and that's good. Sometimes, her music taste grosses me out. I judge it way too hard, honestly, considering the some of the stuff I listen to. I don't like how honest she is sometimes. I mean, on some level I love it, but on another I get low key offended when it's about a sensitive topic. I don't like that she's easily angered/offended at times. I get tired of all her touching/cuddling occasionally.

That's more personal. I like it more than all the good stuff too. If that makes sense. It makes her a real person and I'm glad I can be annoyed or frustrated with her without wanting to ignore her for the rest of my life. I like the bad stuff, yeah. But I'd never list this stuff out to her. Some of it doesn't always bother me (rlly depends on my mood) so I feel like it might make her too conscious of things. And I don't want that. I do not wanna disturb the current dynamic.

Just because it sort of fits: I HATE WHEN PEOPLE TELL ME MY HANDS ARE UGLY/FINGERS ARE CHUBBY. I ALREADY HATE MY HANDS. UGH. Adrian does this and so does Liv. I allow this, though, because I don't think it's worth fighting. I consider doing so, but then – in the future, maybe I'll actually be offended by something one of them does and I wanna maybe tell them to stop THEN and not now. I could do both, yes, but it compromises my building of thick skin/ interferes with my sort-of-maybe-but-also-maybe-not relaxed attitude.

Besides. They seem to like my hands despite their ugliness. Elise told me she thought my hands were nice, but hers are the kind I always wanted. Piano hands. Long and elegant. Very nice. But I don't mind that mine are not that way. I like the things my hands can do. Not so much their appearance.


I think I had another god damn dream about Ethan! God.


Watched a guy paint today. Landscapes. It was nice. He'll be here all week. He stops and talks while he works. Tells us about his umbrella, to keep the shade off his canvas, and his oil paints. Linseed oil in a jar. Advice on how to paint clouds. Seemingly haphazard strokes forming leaves on a tree and, even though I've seen the final product plenty times before – in many other paintings – it still surprises me, how much depth that abstraction can have. How it can turn into something real.

I wonder if I can be like that one day. I wonder if I'll ever try.


Isaac is still ridiculously pretty without even trying. I feel it'd be weird to tell him that, though. He might get the wrong idea because, y'know. My secret eyes. Like I'm "hiding something" as he put it last month.

I wanna bother his face.

I don't know how. Maybe poke his cheek. Or stare for an uncomfortable amount of time. I never know what to do when I find people beautiful. I wanna keep them in a box. Or maybe in my head, where I can control them.

That sounds... Disturbing.


Television documentaries make everything so dramatic.


Gotta pee!


Sort of tried to meditate today. On a completely different note, I'm trying to decide whether or not to take AP Calc. It's during lunch crew. Some online people say it isn't very hard. Others say it is. I'm confused. I don't want the course to kill me. I wanna focus on the science program. I also don't wanna miss a year of math.

I could take the college Calc 1 course instead (honors level. Because it's at the high school, it's considered a level below AP but I think if I were to actually learn it at the college the curriculum comes from, it'd be better... apparently the course covers less, anyway) but my ego can't handle that???

Still. Taking AP means missing sixth period... which is when Lunch Cru is. When else am I gonna see them if I spend most of my school day in the capital city? I dunno if it's worth it. I wish someone would fucking tell me. But no one knoowowowowows ugh.


It's getting hot out.

Birdy took off his shirt as practice both today and yesterday. I wasn't swooning or anything but I wished I could stare without being obvious. He's so pretty??? I want to draw him. It's like the same thing with Isaac, only Birdy is a completely different kind of beautiful and I'm a little more partial to... whatever his appearance can be... categorized as?? Mm.. Bird-like. Not hawk-ish. Just sort of gentle. Delicate, I guess. Long-ish.

I'm feelin' sad because I won't get to stare at him next year. I will most definitely not be in any classes with him and just. Yeah. Gonna miss that distraction.

Looking at him in the face, though. It's like staring at the sun. I can't look to long. Guess I'm kinda scared he'll look back and I'm not into feeling that whole heart twinge that goes with crushes. How the fuck does that even translate physically? Ah, well. In the past week, I feel like he's been around more somehow (he's been hanging briefly with the girls while we stretch after practice so maybe that's why???). Wait... the week is only two days in. Okay, scratch that.

Sine wave!!! Crushes are shit, I guess, because like everything they come and go in waves. By next month, I probably will have forgotten the prettiness and I will cringe at this bit of writing.


God, okay. I really have to go to bed. It's 11:47. I've sucked at doing homework this week.... I've also sucked at practice. I don't wanna ruuunnnn. I should be less lazy.

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