✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2016-05-11 01:52:03 (UTC)

Stuck


Dear Reader,


I feel low, so I thought I would just the remaining time that I have on the laptop to just talk for awhile.

I woke up early this morning to the sound of E and my grandmother arguing.


E was looking for his headphones, and he chose to miss the bus so he could find them.

And they started arguing.

I remember she told him to call our cousin Amanda to take him to school, And I also remember that she told him that this summer he ought to go live with our mother.

This is a thing that they do often.
They always bring up our drug-addict mother and tell us to go live with her whenever we piss them off.

She went on and on about how it would do him good.

And then, my grandfather woke up.

And then they started arguing, and papa started on about the mother thing.


So, I guess grandma decided that wasn't okay to do anymore, and so after E left, Grandma told papa to stop bring up our mom.

But I guarantee you she'll keep doing it.


So, I went back to sleep after that.

And, I woke up later..
And I was borderline on a headache because I almost slept too long.


And I got on my whisper app, and I noticed a whisper defending trans rights, and the whole bathroom situation.
And I posted my pov about it.
And I started arguing with another user about it.

And then my ex boyfriend Chaz messaged me and started talking about the trans issue.
And I couldn't really tell if he was for or against trans rights.
He was just really contradictory.

And then he pissed me off, which he thought was funny.
And I told him that these laws are setting back LGBT progress, and keeping us as a minority to which he replied "Good."
Which makes ZERO sense because HE'S bisexual.


I really need to just block him.
I don't know why I haven't already.

While I was arguing with Chaz,
I messaged Josh because he hadn't responded in over an hour.

And this always just instantly pisses me off.

I messaged him because I thought maybe he hadn't got my message, or to check whether or not he was still there...
And he responds a few seconds later with an "Mmmhmmm?"

I don't know why, but that bugs me.
It's like... what do you even mean mmmhmmm, you haven't responded for an hour. You were there for an hour, and you didn't respond to my message, and you know it, and you message me back with that as if you don't know.


I know that sounds super bitchy and stupid.
But when someone responds like that, it makes me feel like they aren't interested in talking, and they won't talk unless you engage them.

But after a little while I just brushed it off.

Grandma told me yesterday how much she hates being accompanied while going to see a doctor.
She told me that she didn't want me to go, that she'd be fine on her own. And she knew papa would try to make me go with her, but I didn't have too etc.


And then today while I was sitting in the living room she said:
"Get on some shoes and you can go with me."
And I was confused and said "But you said you didn't want me too."
And she said "Well I changed my mind."
I didn't want to go, and I opened my mouth and before I could stop myself or reword it I said "But I don't want to go with you."
And she got really pissy and said "Fine, stay at home then."

The last time I went with her, I waited in the waiting room for two hours.


So, I got to stay home.
And I said I was going to clean my room.

My room has been a wreck for a long time now.
And I just can't be bothered to clean it.

I decided that I would get the back-pack full of old school work out and just sort through it and toss it.

If anyone that is still in school is reading this,
Here's a little advice.

If your parents don't save your school work, because I know some do,
SORT THROUGH YOUR SCHOOL WORK AND TOSS IT AFTER A SCHOOL YEAR.
Obviously keep important notes and stuff, but I'm talking about fucking worksheets and shit... like omg. I'm almost 20 years old, and I still have school work from MIDDLE school that I need to sort through.

Don't ever throw away things with your full name, phone number and address on it etc.
Which is why you should always sort through it.


But, I didn't get to finish that today.
Because she came home, and I wasn't about to be tossing stuff while she's home.
If you want to know why, refer to my entry "Buried."


And so I just got back on the laptop, and yet again did not clean my room.


And then I was not ASKED this time if I wanted to go with her to pick up my brother. She just told me let's go.
So, I put on my shoes and stuff really annoyed with that... And was really sullen, and spaced out the whole way there.
And we had to sit in the parking lot forever.

I am not a patient person if you couldn't already tell.
I just HATE sitting still and just waiting...
I don't have anything to keep me entertained,
And I can't have any real conversation with my family at all, so
I'm just sitting there giving time I'll never get back.

I knowwwwwww it hooooooooooow it sooooooooooooounds. I heeeeeeeeear myyyyyyyyseeeeeeeeeeeelllllf. Shhhhhhhhh. It's whaaatever.


And then, I got home.

And I had to do the usual evening routine.

We make dinner, I load the dishwasher,
We eat. I clean up the table and load the dishwasher with the dinner dishes.. feed the dogs and other things.

And then I finally get back to my laptop,
And am finally able to talk to Josh with no interruptions,
And then E comes in my room and stays for awhile and won't leave.

When he finally left,
I tried skyping with Josh, but he was too sleepy to talk.
And so I eventually hung up to let him rest.

And then I binged...

*Sighs*

I feel really gross.

Like.. I have gained so much fucking weight.
It's really getting to me.

I'm just straight up eating my emotions...
And it's showing so much.

My family doesn't know that I have an eating disorder..


I'm really tired...
And I feel really low.

I want to make changes... I want to move forward...
I want to be someone I'm proud to be...
I want to look good, and I want to feel good...


This depression is just kicking my ass...


I can't even bring myself to clean my room...

I just feel stuck.


Sincerely,
Don'tFuckingCare






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