Snuffy

Danielito
2016-05-10 01:35:24 (UTC)

2nd visit with Eric

I felt lighter and lighter even during the appointment. Afterward I decided to get some Thai food without much thought or hesitation. Then I chose to get it to go and eat it at the park nearby, again, without hesitation. I just did it. And I was at peace.
This may sound strange but a week ago, I would have had an internal battle over each decision. Anxiety about spending the money, or needing to get back home. And when making the decision to visit Elise I simply asked myself if I wanted to and I didn't so I didn't. Once more there was no conflict. I didn't feel obligated to go see her and I didn't feel guilty for not going to see her, either. It's remarkable what 2 visits has done and it's hard to explain it to people. Someone with anxiety would understand, but "normal" people like Brandon or Olga just give me a "good for you" sort of response.

During my visit, I stopped feeling anything negative about Colleen. I felt indifferent. On the way home I also felt at peace . . . for the most part. Every now and then, though, I feel a longing and a bit of self-pity. There's a sudden swelling of sadness in my heart. But then it goes away and I'm back to feeling relaxed and at peace.

I'm a little bit concerned that I'm going to turn into a passionless, emotionless, shell of a man. But I have to admit that life is a lot easier now. It's going to take some getting used to. I'm feeling really lazy. I think it's because I'm so relaxed and at peace, and since I'm not used to it, I'm giving in to the feeling and all I want to do is chill. My sleep has improved immensely.
I'm not so stressed out about moving out and getting my own place. I still want to but I'm not worried about when or how it will happen. I was motivated by my feelings of inadequacy before. Now I'm motivated simply by what I want.
All these changes appear to be healthy changes. I mean, besides feeling lazy. But I think that will change once I get used to the new me.
I'm still feeling betrayed and hurt by the colleen thing. I feel disrespected, too. Eric read to me the long list of negative feelings before I got to a positive one and he said it was abnormally long, and that it's because of the break up for sure. People who aren't going through heartache or hardship will have much less negative emotions. This proves to me that I really liked her. But here's an interesting concept. I came up with this on my way home.
When you fall for someone and you become attached to them, you feel amazing around them, all your problems seem to fade away. But maybe you're not attracted to that person at all. Maybe what you're really in love with is the feeling. It's euphoric and when you feel pleasure, you cant feel pain. When you're feeling positivity, you can't feel negativity. In my case, I was feeling inadequate and getting a girlfriend made me feel more adequate. I was feeling unfulfilled and unaccomplished, lonely and unfortunate but when I started dating Colleen all that went away. Then when it ended, it all came back like a ton of bricks landing on my chest. So it's possible that when we're not doing emotionally well, we can fall in love with the relief from uncomfortable feelings instead of falling in love with the person.




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