Namaste

Guest in YOUR world...
2016-05-09 06:09:41 (UTC)

Not so Happy Mother's Day...

I know I deserve it, but hearing my daughter tell me I should be wishing her a Happy Mother's day because she raised herself was tough to swallow. When it comes to parenting, I leave MUCH to be desired. Most of my adulthood and pretty much as far back as I can remember, I've been plagued with horrible bouts of depression. At times, I would lock myself out of this world to deal with the demons in my own head. Unfortunately that world included my 2 beautiful daughters. Unless you have experienced depression, first hand, you will judge me as a cruel, selfish person who doesn't deserve the love of her daughters. And if you think that, it means you haven't experienced the type of depression that makes you do things you NEVER thought you were capable of.

Before my depression is couldn't understand what kind of mother could EVER LEAVE her children. I despised these women for putting themselves above their children. I thought these women deserved to be punished to the fullest extent by society and the law for bringing children into this world and not being there for them because they were "sad". I'd say, "Get over it!! Quit making others do what YOU should be doing.

Compassion comes with a price. The price of having experienced it and wanting nothing more than forgiveness for the awful things I did for the sake of self preservation. I remember days when I was upset or was waking up to another day of my horrible existence. Only to get worse throughout the day for not being the mom my children deserved. The simple act of breathing and keeping my mind quiet from all the torment was all I could to before drowning my pain in alcohol.

In a way I hope my children never forgive me. At least that way I know they don't understand because they haven't experienced the pain I went through.




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