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You're Getting Old... Kind Of. I guess. Not really.
"Everything Stays" by Rebecca Sugar [this song was written for an Adventure Time miniseries. I normally feel weird listening to stuff like that in my spare time but this is so pretty and sad ugh. Plus I found this edited version with harps and just.??]
Let's go in the garden
You'll find something waiting
Right there where you left it
Lying upside down
When you finally find it
You'll see how it's faded
The underside is lighter
When you turn it around
Right where you left it
But it still changes
Ever so slightly
Daily and nightly
In little ways
When everything stays
May 8, 2016 Sunday 3:08 PM
I do not wanna be here, is what I decided on my walk home last night. I was coming from Lily's house and I smelled like smoke and my butt was damp from sitting on the dirt and litterfall – it was cold and dark and no one was alive, but the air smelled clean. I dunno. It was around half past one in the morning and it just reminded me of when I was thirteen, y'know? Why am I remembering that with such, like. Nostalgia???
I mean. I went to Lily's house to cry. And to drink stupid rum and mountain dew mixtures. And to smoke weed that one time (well, I brought the weed – I always wanted to smoke with Lily. It seemed like it'd be more fun than it was with Sam. To bad that was the one time).
But I also remember sitting in her driveway and just talking. I can't remember what about.
I feel this weird mix of regret and peace. Which is... contradictory. Okay. I guess I still wish I hadn't wasted my middle school years. I'm still young and everything but this is supposedly a critical point in my life. Can't fuck around. Well, I can, but it'd probably be a bad idea. I'm not even sure I want to... I mean. It's been ages since I've at all wanted to get high. Hmph.
Gah! I dunno. I guess I had just a tendency towards mild melancholia yesterday because it was prom day.??? (I also took the SAT yesterday)
I didn't even want to go to prom. I didn't wanna have to buy a dress and look nice because I'm not good at the latter and I hate doing the former (I'm picky and a lot of dresses look so... plastic, gross...).
Seeing everyone else socializing in the sun, looking all clean and nice – it was sort of depressing?? I was glad I didn't have to do it. Still, they were all smiling princesses. It didn't even matter if the girls wore dresses I wouldn't have otherwise liked. They looked beautiful. They looked... old.
I keep having to remind myself we're all growing up. It's gross, y'know? Walking home last night, I told myself, "I'm seventeen years old. I will be a senior next year," because yeah I kept thinking about being thirteen and it felt, as cliché as this sounds, like everything happened only just yesterday. Only the pain has faded, which is nice as heeeccckkkk.
After prom, which ended around eleven, Laney and Jay (reminder: first kiss and also Lily and Laney's best friend... he lives like half an hour away so I don't see him a ton) dropped by my house and picked me up, brought me to Lily's.
Jay looked really pretty. I still can't look him in the eye. But then, I don't think I look a lot of people in the eye. Do I? Hah. So many eyes I's. I'm always out of it when he comes around, though. Makes me uncomfortable or something? Or maybe I just feel bad I reacted the way I did to a stupid kiss but I mean. Whatever. That was forever ago.
Laney was also a princess, by the way. She was so pretty ahhh!!!
Things were weird, though. Like. Awkward sort of. And trivial.
It was me, Jay, Laney, Lily, and her boyfriend sitting around a fire.
("Hey Veronica how's the fire looking?"
"Like silk." Took me a second to realize that's not what he meant when he asked me how it was?!?!?!?!?!)
Okay, so. I'm not really looking for a boyfriend, like at all. That is true enough. Plus I've written about that a thousand times already. Sorry. My point is, despite that, it was still kind of lonely hanging around with two couples on either side of me.
Sorry, "couples." Lily and her boyfriend are, duh, a couple but Laney and Jay are just friends. Still, they were leaning all over each other 'cause Jay's pretty affectionate. I was sitting cold in between the two pairs, feeling distinctly out of place (fifth wheelin' it yo). And tired. Staring at the fire. Which at least was soothing. Not very warm, though. My toes felt clammy and they were closest to the heat.
We talked sometimes but it was mostly about dumb stuff. I like talking about dumb stuff sometimes. But last night, I just didn't care. There was so much talk of prom dresses and, y'know. Of all the vices, I am most partial to envy. Lucky I'm pretty good at softening the feeling.
Didn't stop me from wanting to go home, though. I was tired of the dull quiet. Much preferred the idea of home, where I could be alone. With my kitty. She's so clingy lately. But soft, so it's okay.
So yeah. I said my goodbyes, made a half-hearted excuse about exhaustion, and left. Hugged Lily and Laney before I went. I do miss them. Sometimes I wonder if the thing I miss is still there, though. I'm not who I used to be. Neither are they. I hate outgrowing things, people. I dunno. We're just different and I'm not good at navigating these sorts of things.
It's mother's day and I haven't seen my momma yet today.
Okay. I think I'm done.
I'm scared of the future, though. Probably another reason I wanna go back to middle school years so bad.
Next year could be so bad for me. I could hate the program. There's only like ten people in it, too, and I've never been good at making friends. What if I spend the year lonely? It might make me hate science.??? Which I don't want. I just wanna cut stuff open. In a nice way.
I am planning on taking AP Calc. That would totally mess up my schedule. Like, I mean, it'd be during sixth period which is normally when my lunch is. Lunch cru. I'd lose them all. Sandwich will be upset when I tell him. Don't know why. He doesn't even like me. I'm bitter. I want to fit. At least I've got a couple people, though, who don't find me dull.
I like math a lot. But maybe taking Calc isn't a good idea. Not AP calc at least. I hear the teacher is scary as fuck. And I'm not sure I'd be able to handle a shitload of homework while also doing the program.
I'm pretty sure I have enough credits to graduate after this year. Maybe not. I forget. This program is supposed to give me fifteen, though. That's a fucking lot. I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE GYM!!!! HELL YEAH!!!! Gym is the dumbest class in my school, so I'm happy I don't have to waste my time.
Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.
I'm still scared.
Dad got published by a regional newspaper. I think on the subject of population. :) He's excited.
My AP test was okay, by the way. I hope I at least got a 3. Fuck. I'm not sure I did, though.
Ethan sent me a snapchat on Thursday I think. Or Friday. Can't remember. I believe I woke up at an ungodly hour that day, so probably Friday when I had to be at school at like half past seven. Anyway, all it was was a picture of him – still with a beard and those weird, wide eyes – captioned "so sick."
So I guess he was sick. I dunno. I think it was one of those snapchats sent to everyone on his list? Because why else would he send me that. He doesn't exist in our lives anymore, not that I know of.
I ignored it. It upset me mildly and I've been thinking about it since. Fuck you, Piffan. No, not really. I'm not mad. I dunno what's goin' on. I just want to be separate.
PS: WOAH. I had a BAD DREAM.
I was, like. Running up and down a street. It was all overgrown with grass, like in the cemetery, and all around was nothing but flatness – empty plains covered in green grass. The sky was gray and there were trees lining the road, arching over to create a loose canopy, which was pulling a Schrodinger's cat kinda thing. I mean it both existed and did not exist at the same time, so I could see the sky but I also couldn't. Pfft, makes sense.
I guess suddenly it had rained because there was water settled into pits on the grassy street. It actually looked a lot like the roads in the cemetery. All overgrown dirt paths.
On one end of the street stood Laney and Jay. On the other was Lily and her boyfriend. I think. They might've all been on the same end at some point. It kept switching 'cause dreams are temperamental little shits. Capricious! Volatile! Fickle! Words are pretty.
Ah, well. I ran down this one street towards... Fuck. Someone. Birdy was there all of a sudden but it was too late to stop running. My foot landed in this huge, opaque puddle (it was this gray-brown thing) and splashed all over him (he was wearing the suit he wore to prom – I saw a picture of him and his date the night before) just as he turned around. So I ruined his suit I guess. He stared at me sort of disgusted and then pushed past me. I didn't even apologize. I was so confused. The people I had been running towards originally sort of looked at me awkwardly.
So then for some reason I wanted to run to the other side. It was raining for realz at that point and I took off. This time, I know I was headed away from Lily and the boyfriend and towards Laney and Jay.
Then, it fuckin' happened again! Birdy and his rude-ass appeared in front of me. It was like he was saying something over his shoulder to Jay or something, holding this wrapped box that was obviously a gift for someone, and then bam I ran into him. He'd just turned around too.
I splashed his gift and, again, all his clothes. This time, I said, "I'm sorry," but even though I meant it sincerely, the words came out so empty. He didn't even saying anything. Just made a more severe disgusted face and walked away.
Lily's boyfriend ran up to me and I was relieved because he's a nice guy. I thought he was gonna be like, "Ah he'll get over it," or something, but instead he looked at me and said, shocked, "...Why would you DO that?"
Like it was pre-meditated or something. I couldn't even answer. I was too surprised.
Then came a soaked Jay and Laney, both saying sarcastically, "Way to go Veronica."
"You're such an asshole."
Jeez. You'd a thought I'd willingly murdered Birdy's mother or something. That was an extremely unpleasant dream.