I wish I didn't dwell on things so much...
I wish I didn't dwell on things so much. I mean something happens or someone says one thing and I get these horrible feelings and I can't shake them or I've done something and I can't let it go.
I don't know why but this week in particular has been bad in that sense. I feel like my friends don't actually like me half the time. I don't know why, I feel like nothing I say every really contributes to conversation, if I do say something. I've had one on one connections with people throughout life obviously but... I've never felt like a necessary person in a group. Like it wouldn't matter if I was there or not, I just am. I've always just felt kind of irrelevant in groups.
I hit someone's car when I was reversing out of a park too quickly and drove off, I freaked out. I sat and dwelled on that for a long time. Like I've said previously, I wish I could do something or something happen and I could just be like okay it's happened I can't do anything about it now. But I can't. I've told myself that many times. But I still just can't sleep because of stupid things. It brings horrible feelings in my chest.
I'm really enjoying Winter. I love it. It's cold and rainy, I'm not sure why I've just really felt like this kind of weather for a long time.
Brad mentioned Larry yesterday and we hadn't really talked about it. I pretty much completely forgot about Larry and I fucking and that it was next to Brad. I feel so horrible about it. It as awhile ago now but I can't help but feel like a shitty person. I'm just so fucking stupid and constantly fucking up haha. We haven't really talked about Holly either, he hasn't said anything about it. It doesn't matter, but I wonder if he had feelings for her. Anyway naturally I dislike Holly, a lot. And by "naturally" I mean completely uncalled for and unfair ahahah.
I wanted to figure out how long it had been since everything with Jacob went down, 10 months ago. I just re read our last messages when I was trying to find out. They're horrible.
"You're a disgusting fat bitch.
I hope you're happy living this way. You have no decency.
I know why you didn't tell me. Because you knew I'd break up with you for sure. And you didn't want that. You're a lying fat cow."
When I think back it's not about his insults I think. I just remember that horrible ache. That cold room. Crying for hours on end. I don't even know how to explain that pain. I know I've said this all before but I really hope Brad and I work out. I just know that things can become so fucking fucked and distorted over time in relationships and I love Brad so much I hope that never happens. I think a huge difference is that Brad and I are so open and honest with each other and I want it to stay that way.
But still 10 months later and I hate Jade and Jacob just as much.
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