Snuffy

Danielito
2016-05-07 22:57:40 (UTC)

Not over it

Yesterday's surprising peace did not last. I mean, I feel mostly fine, but today my mind keeps jumping to good memories Colleen and I shared. It keeps day dreaming of the life we could have had, according to my reality. It brings feelings of deep disappointment.
I've been battling what do to about this - or rather - what attitude to take. I can't do anything about the situation at the moment, but what should my outlook be?
I can go with the self-empowering "I don't need her to be happy, I'm moving on with my life" route, or I can admit to myself that I'm in love with this girl and I should not give up so easily.
What's the correct mindset? Am I truly in love? What does that even mean? To me it means you would do anything for that person, their pain is your pain and their joy is your joy. You feel connected to them on many levels. You depend on them. You trust them. You are loyal to them.
I'm not sure that by my definition of love I was actually in love with her. I wanted to be. I was working toward that. She was not.
I'm also realizing that what bothers me the most is that she was not being true to herself while we were together. The way she kissed me and made the trips to visit me. The way she agreed to meet my parents, talk about future plans with me. But all along she had feelings for someone else. That makes me feel betrayed. It makes me angry. It makes me think that I shouldn't talk to her anymore. Should I forgive her of that? Does confessing to me that she still had feelings give her a pass? I might be being harsh. She obviously got to a point where she was tired of feeling the hurt of being dumped and felt it was time to start dating, to help her move on and maybe for a while she did forget about him while things were new and exciting with me but as things died down she realized she wasn't over him and had to tell me. BUT WHY DID WE HAVE TO BREAK UP OVER IT?? WHY DOES SHE NEED SPACE?? Couldn't we have just continued on? It's not like we were engaged or anything! Ugh... I guess I've never been there. I've never felt like I needed to take a break from a relationship to figure things out. Not like this anyway. It seems weird. But I'm not a girl. It must be a girl thing. I think I'm going to call Stacy to ask her about this.

I have to admit I am hurt. I feel betrayed by her and I feel teased by God. I know I'm being a huge baby. I don't care. It sucks. Logically, nothing is that bad. God's not messing with me and Colleen didn't do anything malicious. And she has handled the situation amazingly well. But I'm going to feel what I'm going to feel, no matter how much I try to think logically.




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