LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2016-05-04 18:51:04 (UTC)

Punch (me) In (the) Face


"Handcuffs" by Brand New [I can't wait for the Modest Mouse/Brand New concert!!!]


May 4, 2016 Wednesday 6:51 PM


Title is like... unrelated. Well. It's my emotional state. But disregard that.


Sometimes I'm pretty sure I'm not creative and then comes an unfamiliar thought with almost no connection to the previous one and yet – in some wordless way, it makes sense to me. And if I spent the time, I could probably explain why. But I worry that'll ruin things. That's the same reason why I rarely take photos when I'm on vacation. It never looks as good on camera anyway. Not for me.

Dad is playing piano. The songs he wrote ages ago. Songs that are older than I am, probably*.

(*correction: definitely)

I like the way they sound. From joyful to sad to stormy and back again. He's going to teach me since I've been begging. I am frustrated that he never writes things down! It's the same with recipes! He'll never frickin- write down his bean dip recipes, he just makes it slightly different every single time – but they're part of my childhood and I feel I have a right to know. >:( These songs were probably at some point written down. I've been hearing them since I was small, but he never played from paper. Says he lost it.

Hmm. Okay he stopped. Dang. I wanted to film the sad part so I could show Liv because you can tell someone something is beautiful but you can't share the feeling which suckckkckckcks.


Ugh. Sometimes, I like my brain. 'Cause it's like part of it is still sleeping. And it calls out nonsensical things. And they're normally very pretty words and ideas. Like those daydreams that JD in Scrubs has. I have those, only they're more broken than his (probably because the reality of that kind of thought is too difficult to portray on television... well, in an interesting way at least).

!!! Electrical storms in my head!!!! Silence.

I had caffeine earlier, which is out of the norm. I don't drink coffee anymore because it kept making me feel funny in an awful, restless way. So I replaced it with a shitload of green tea. But I was starting to get a migraine so I had to pop half a dose of Excedrin.

Later, I totally forgot about the caffeine and was feeling troubled because that funny feeling returned for the first time in a long time. Felt great and terrible at the same time. Terrible because I was restless and I wanted to gouge out my eyes, in a way, or peel off my skin or do something to tear myself out of the confines of my body because everything was buzzy and I needed to get – out —

Good, though, because I felt a lot more energetic than I do normally. Wittier. Generally better. I hate coffee because of that, though. Because it sort of makes me feel shitty about my baseline personality. If only I could always be that energetic! Sometimes, I am. Naturally I mean. But mostly not because I am human. I need sleep. I do not get as much sleep as a human would like.

I was all there today. For a bit. Isaac was like, "I missed you guys." Aw. :) Aww :(

Went to a college fair earlier. It was.. meh. Most of the colleges were in the state. Average distance being a couple hours. Saw a couple potentials. This one Massachusetts college offered a freshman year exchange program. Ireland, man. I want. But it might not be enough.

It was dreary today. Again.

We had a test in Precalc. About 99.9% sure I aced it. Maybe because of the caffeine? My body wasn't likin' it but my mind was sharp as hell. I got all the problems done halfway through class and the spent the rest doing the bonus, which was just deriving the sum formula cos(A-B).

!!! I did manage to derive it! I'm so fucking proud of myself!!! The fact that I was able to do it probably means it is far from difficult to derive. But still. I'm pretty bad at creativity in mathematics so I'm just glad I was able to apply math rules in a logical way to??? Get what I wanted to get???!!!

I have math scribbled in the pages of my sketchbook haha. Words too.

Alright. Thassit.

PS: I never ended up explaining my "avoidance" to Isaac. I don't think either of us really wanted to have a heart to heart. Hah. Isaac is good.


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