✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2016-05-04 20:54:31 (UTC)

A Close Shave


Dear Reader,


This entry has been in my head for awhile,
And I've just never gotten around to writing it yet.

As I was shaving my underarms today, I remembered this entry,
And I decided it was a good time to write it.


This is going to be a little confessionish, a little story timeish..
And even a little bit embarrassing.
Don't judge me pls. xD


So, for as long as I can remember,
Shaving and I, have never gotten along.
And I'm about to explain why.

Well, first off..
When I was a kid I was under the impression that women just didn't actually grow underarm hair, or leg hair AT ALL.
I thought that only men did.
Because on television, I never saw women with hair in those areas.

I knew that there was a such thing as shaving, and I believed that was only for men to shave their beards.


And I didn't know that one day I was going to eventually grow hair in those areas.
It was finally explained to me by my aunt, Shellie.
We were swimming in her, and my uncle Danny's pool one summer, and we were talking about Rylan I think, was starting to grow hair there..
And I stated what I believed about women not growing hair aloud,
And my aunt quickly informed me that wasn't the case.
That women do in fact grow body hair, and the reason I never saw it was because women "have" to shave it off.

And, I wasn't happy to learn this news at all.


I talked about what it was like growing up female in my entry "I Need A Doctor" was a horrible experience for me because of the way my grandmother handled teaching me about my body and her attempts at helping me through puberty.


Puberty is an awkward, and stressful time for any kid to go through regardless, and she made it so much worse.
She never made it known that what I was going through was normal.
She always acted as though I were just disgusting...


There's more detail about that in that entry, so check it out if you want to know more.


The short of it is, she was just awful.


I noticed my body changing,
And I wasn't happy about it.

I noticed body hair was starting to grow,
And I knew that it was expected of me to learn to shave it,
And there were a few reasons why I didn't want too.

1.) The way she treated me about puberty.
2.) I had an anxiety over the razor. I was SO afraid of cutting myself.
3.) I didn't feel like it was necessary. I didn't want to have to keep up with it because I knew it was just going to grow right back.. and I was just a kid. I remember the hair started growing when I was in like the 5th grade.. and I just didn't want to deal with it.


So, I just ignored it.

I stopped wearing sleeveless shirts.
I would make sure the sleeves in my shirt were long enough to cover my underarms.
I only wore shorts at home.


I remember one time, my grandma had bought me this white shirt with black and pink hearts on it. It had fake buttons on it, and rounded collar. The sleeves on it weren't long enough to cover my underarms...
So, I just stopped wearing it.. and of course she noticed and demanded an explanation as to why WHILE the entire family was sitting at the dinner table.
And they wouldn't let it go. She was getting aggressive about it.
I hesitated and considered for a moment to tell the truth...
But I quickly decided against it. I was on the verge of tears.

And I tried to bullshit this stupid excuse about the most popular and beautiful girl in my class had seen the exact same shirt in a fashion magazine, and she said it was the ugliest shirt she had ever seen.

And, she obviously didn't like this answer.
And to my horror, she started telling me how I was going to wear the shirt anyway.. and how she was going to start forcing me to wear more girly and fashionable clothes.
And she even made this remark that I'll never forget.
She spoke as if she were me arguing with her saying "But grandma, you don't know what's in" (Fashion wise) and she tried confirming to me that she did know what was fashionable and popular. (But no, she didn't.)

And, I looked at her and said "Well, I don't know what's in either so."
And she gave me this stone cold look that I'll never forget.

So, she let it go after that.


But I remember going to the doctor when I was having problems with my foot.
I was told that I shouldn't bother shaving my right leg, because of the thing that's wrong with it, a nick could get infected and be potentially dangerous.

I didn't really care honestly.
I was still a kid, and I didn't see a point in shaving.

And so, instead of shaving,
Grandma got me this weird as hell, hair removal buffer pad thing...
I don't know HOW this thing worked... but it did kinda.
It just left your legs feeling waxy almost.. and pale.

Again, I didn't really see the point.
I did it every once in awhile but I didn't keep up with it consistently.
My aunt brought it up once, because I hadn't done my legs in awhile..
And she told me that she does hers every other day or so.. and I should too.

I remember another time where I was watching tv, and felt my legs were a little hairy and so I grabbed the buffer pad thing.. and just started doing that to my legs..
While I sat in the living room watching tv with my brothers.
I didn't think anything was wrong with that, but apparently, there was.

She came out of the hallway and saw me, and just blew up.
She told me so aggressively that I should do that in the bathroom or my bedroom..
And I was confused about that...
And what that told me is... the hair removal process is a shameful process.. and should be kept hidden when you do it...


And so, I used that for awhile.. but eventually just stopped.


I was very careful to hide my body hair,
but there were some situations where I just couldn't.

Like, when we got a swimming pool..
And I had to wear a bathing suit.

I had convinced myself that my brothers or Rhonda (She supervised us) couldn't see it or couldn't tell... and I don't know how I thought that, but I just did.


But they obviously did.
It's kinda hard to miss.

My brothers didn't say anything, but I remember Rhonda saying something.
She mentioned it very briefly, and I was gave her a "you know?" look.
And she nodded...
And I freaked out inside.

Nothing happened from that... but I was more careful not to raise my arms in the pool.


And then came the time where my grandma decided to teach me to shave.


And that went just like the bra thing went.


I tried explaining the anxiety about the razor to which she completely dismissed and belittled.. which made me even MORE scared..


I took off my shirt... (Which I hated doing that. She always just looked at me like I was disgusting, and ugly.)
And she told me to start shaving.

No guidance. No tips. Nothing.
"Not going to help you or anything, but just do it, and I'll yell at you when you mess up" is her motto.

So, of course I didn't know I had to put soapy water on it...
I didn't know you had to rinse the hair off the razor either after too much is gathered on it...

And I got yelled at for not automatically knowing to do that..


And after they were done...
It. Fucking. Itched. Like. Hell.


The skin was red, and irritated...
They itched for HOURS.
It drove me crazy all day long...
and it was so bad, I remember not being able to sleep.

I remember having to get up and shave them both AGAIN because the stubble was driving me absolutely crazy..


And, after that experience, I just couldn't understand why anyone would subject themselves to do that..

And, I never shaved them again after that for a LONG time.


I remember one day, I was probably in middle school maybe.
And I was going to see the doctor the next day.
And grandma told me to shave under my arms.
Rhonda was there about to go home. And she gave me a look.

And, it had been a very long time since she showed me..
And I was scared to try it on my own... I couldn't remember all of the things I needed to know.
And I knew that if I had to wear a gown the next day for the check-up..
She'd find out.
And I'd be in hotter water then.


I knew she was going to lash out...
So, I just looked down at the floor.
And squeaked out... very fearfully and shamefully,
If she would show me how to do it again.

She lost her top.
She got so fucking angry at me...

I was stunned with her behavior honestly.
Remembering makes me so fucking angry...

I remember being marched to the bathroom,
And I took my shirt off,
and she looked at me hatefully and said "Let me see"
And I raised up my arms to show her the hair, which was obviously long.

And she gave me a disgusted look that I'll never forget.
She looked at me like I was just a fucking piece of disgraceful garbage.


And that was incredibly damaging to me.

I shaved every once in awhile after that...
The itchiness didn't go away until a few times.

But even to this day I've never been consistent about it.
I know I know. Sue me.

I do actually prefer smooth hairless skin..
I like the way it looks on me.
But I just hate shaving so fucking much...
To me, it's just a waste of time...
Because you have to be consistent about it.

I only have a limited time on this Earth.
We all do.
And doing this every other day, or even every three or four days..
Adds up after awhile.
I'd rather spend my time doing things I enjoy doing.. than on something I don't like to do.

I've always felt so mislead about shaving anyway..
I thought that the finished result would be like LITERALLY smooth..

But I never got that finish...
I always still have remaining stubble,
And little pin-pricks of color where the hair follicle is..
And the result just isn't what I want.

And, I take long showers anyway.
I get yelled at for the time it takes me in the shower as it is..
So, I don't really have enough time to be consistent with it.

So, I only do it every once in awhile.
I did it today because I've been wearing a sleeveless batman tanktop..
And I got tired of keeping my arms to the sides.

I still don't wear shorts in public.

And my main beef with shaving..
Is how it is drilled into children's heads that it is a REQUIREMENT.
That it is no way, shape, or form a personal choice.

Women HAVE to have hairless legs and underarms and vaginas or else they are not beautiful..

That is complete horseshit.

I saw comments on a post about shaving the other day..
And I saw SO many women proclaiming that "Women HAVE to take care of themselves." and that they didn't care that some women preferred not to shave... "I'M still going to keep good hygiene."

First of all, you don't have to do fucking anything but pay your taxes and die.

Second of all, shaving does NOT mean you have good hygiene.
Shaving does nothing in regard to your health... (Except obviously if you nick yourself.) So you can stop with that bullshit.


If anyone is reading this, boy or girl..

Just know that if you're not into shaving.. That's perfectly fine.
You are not lesser of a being just because your body grows hair.


I know this entry was a little long-winded...
But like I said, It's been in my head for awhile now.
And I'm glad it's finally out.

Sincerely,
Sasquatch




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