LustingforNightmares

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2016-05-03 21:42:54 (UTC)

Fuck You, Henry David Thoreau

May 3, 2016 Tuesday 9:44 PM

PSA: The following is a super, super long rant with pretty much no structure. First I'm all angst-ing about my heritage. Then my friends. Then about school. The usual.
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Why do I suck soooo much at Spanish. Like, I'd attend class more often but we almost never do stuff. And I don't really pay attention when we do... Because, like. We go soooo slooowww and everyone in class is soooo loud and I have soooo many other things to do. I don't... hate the people in my class.. but they're assholes. Who never stop talking.

Ugh. I hate that I suck so bad. I can understand perfectly fine but it's a totally different thing when trying to actually talk. The worse I get, the less I want to do it because, it's like, if I don't have to speak, I don't have to feel so separate from... my culture? I dunno. I don't wanna say 'my culture' because I don't really know if that's the truth.

'My family' is more accurate.

I'm tired of feeling far awayyyyy. I feel far away when I'm here, too, and I don't liiikeee itiitt. I dunno. I'm so shy with them, so afraid to talk because my Spanish is that bad but like. I don't wanna lose it altogether. It was super cool growing up being able to speak two languages. It made me feel special. If I ever have kids, I wanna be able to give that to them.

Ugh. I just feel so shitty. Like I don't belong with my family on either side. Like I've lost something. It's, like. When I was twelve and I quit piano. And a year after that, soccer. Those were the two things I had, y'know? I wasn't particular good at either thing and I got to be so depressed and self-conscious that I couldn't even begin to do either activity without feeling like a failure but quitting didn't help. Dunno if it made it worse, though. In the long run, yes. But immediately, it gave me relief. Numbness.

It's sort of like that with Spanish? It's one of those things I clung to. A barrier between me and the rest of the people I knew (not that I've never met any other bilingual kid, or soccer kid, or piano kid... but growing up, I just didn't know a lot of kids that did the things I did. Which was equal parts painful and comforting. Painfully lonely, but it bolstered my ego a bit).

The barrier is, like, gone. I'm with everyone else, but I'm also not. Ugh. I'm just like every other teenager. I don't know where I fit. You'd think the thought would be comforting, y'know. Like, "Hey I'm not alone!" but it's such an old reassurance that I'm sort of like... "Yeah. I know. And?"

I'm remembering my Abuelita. When she visited, she'd sleep in the same room as us. And I'd wake up at 5 or 6 in the morning and listen to her get ready for the day.

She hated it here. It was cold. No one spoke Spanish. She doesn't speak English. Last time she was here was when my mom had cancer. That was, Jesus. That was eight years ago. Nine, probably.

Ugh. All of that just reminds me that I've rarely ever felt as if I'm actually hispanic or white or whatever. I guess it doesn't matter but people expect things from me, or are surprised at me when certain things don't line up with their idea of white or, y'know, latina.

It's not that severe or anything. No one's all, "Hey, Veronica, why aren't you constantly holding a taco???" It's just little things. I can't even think of one example. Which just goes to show. It's not a huge deal.

I just wish I were more... latina. I've told my mom it's hard. We live in New York. The rest of our family, at least 1000 miles away. Plus, there were kids that made it a huge deal that I could speak spanish when I was little and it embarrassed me. Being a sensitive kid, that had a lasting effect unfortunately. Memory foam.

There was just a period of my life in which I didn't wanna be hispanic anymore, just like I didn't wanna play soccer or play piano or draw or be anything distinctive at all. I just wanted to be nothing, to expect nothing, to have nothing expected of me. No Soccer Player, Pianist, Latina, nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing.

I still feel that way sometimes. Get really frustrated because I'm not smart and I have no ambition to make up for that. I just have a bunch of cycling angst that I write endlessly about.

Point is. I'm still suffering from the stupid decisions I made in middle school. When I thought, "Fuck it, WHY do I have to grow up? Why do I have to bother with any of this? I'm never gonna make it anyway, so what's the point..."

Point, point, point. Wishing I'd never seen that movie. I remember I only watched it more than once because it was narrated by Ringo Starr and the Beatles were, like. My favorite thing at the time. I was younger than ten years old? Maybe. Such a depressing movie, though, and sometimes I feel like I fit in with the color scheme of the whole film. And the stupidity of it all.

The Pinewoods Triangle. Ugh. Ethan should get out of my head. With his stupid, mischievous smile. I dunno why he's in here lately. I think I've been having dreams in which he's present and it's like I'm living my life two years ago??? I want him to go the fuck away. Somewhere along the way, I stopped missing him? Now I'm just pissed off. I never wanna see him again. Or hear about him. Or think about him. And yet here I am. Stupid idea that I'd have a big brother. I got so excited.

I wish I could erase him from Caroline's mind. I don't know exactly what happened but. I just wish I could erase him.

––––

I felt all cold today! Not sad but. Cold. Quiet on the insides.

I sat in art, mostly expressionless? Adrian tried talking to me but I was so dead. I felt bad because I like him. I wanted to cuddle him (I was sleepy and wanted warmth and he's like a puppy without trying) but I don't initiate that stuff since it's just... too weird for me. To think. Of people wanting to be that close to me. Stop, head, please.

Adrian almost missed his freaking AP exam. Knowingly. I was like, "Go. You're giving me a heart attack." And he went. I thought it was such an Adrian thing to do.

He's always the type to show up to class late. He's, like, really really smart but he doesn't really care about school so much. I don't really know why.

I just see him meandering sometimes in the hallways. Most of the time with other people. And then he'll sprint (literally sprint) as soon as the conversation is over to go to whatever class he's missing. And he doesn't seem to care at all! Such a strange idea to me.

Ugh. After Adrian left, I was just left in art. With Isaac and this other girl that I like. She's friendly and stuff. So nice! But I'm afraid we will never be good friends.

Isaac looked up at me (he's still so cute!!! It's been awhile since I've seen him so I forgot how nice his face is and I'm readjusting okay) so I smiled sort of friendly and then he said, "What?"

Me, I was all, "What?"

"You were looking at me."

"Uh, yeah. I call it eye contact."

"It's just you looked like you had something to say. You had that look in your eye."

I know what he's talking about and maybe I did have something to say, but I never intended to voice my thoughts out loud. They weren't meant for him anyway. Yeah, well.

I have a feeling I get those sort of eyes a lot. The ones that suggest things without my permission. Over the course of our friendship, Isaac has asked me that one question a lot – he keeps thinking I'm trying to say something and sometimes I am. 'Cause Isaac is a funny little specimen to me.

Not to sound condescending. I don't see him as anything less than an equal. But I don't completely understand him and I don't know how to go about changing that. Isaac and I are very similar is what I've come to understand. But this makes it very hard for us to become friends. At least that's what I think.

I don't think the eye-thing is exclusive to him though. Maybe that's why people talk to me sometimes – I mean, why they continue talking to me. I've never understood their persistence. By "they" I mean my friends. Because usually you have to force your friendship on me.

I don't wanna go to Sandwich's room this week. I'm feeling very, I dunno. Alienated all the sudden. Even though I'm the one doing all the alienating.

I want to separate Sandwich and some of the people in there from myself.

Today, I told Alexis, "Sandwich doesn't even really like me. He says he does but he doesn't know me. He thinks I'm boring."

She goes, thoughtfully, "He likes the idea of you." I agreed but like. Idea of me? What idea is that? He's told me before that I'm a 'nice girl' (context being: why are the nice girls always the single ones?) but what does that even mean? Dull. Fuck that. Not that I'm gonna stop being nice. Being nice is part of who I am and damn it all if I'm gonna change in an attempt to make myself look better in someone else's eyes.

It just– fuck! He reminds me of Ethan! Maybe that's what's bothering me. Way too much like Ethan.

Ethan was like my favorite person for awhile. In my head, I sort of worshipped him because... Like I said before, I got it into my head that he was gonna be my brother. I got it into my head that he was family. But I still felt like I had to do something to keep him around. Around us, as a family, I mean. Not just Caroline. Obviously he'd stick around Caroline.

And so like. I wanted to do whatever to please him and I didn't really act like myself. I was childish around him I guess. I'm gonna get away from this subject, it's making me feel sick with shame and stuff.

With Alexis, I talked about a lot of stuff. Mostly stress. Kindred spirit, is she.

Stress both makes us cynical as fuck (I've always been on the cynical side but that's, I think, because I'm constantly stressed for one reason or another) and we were both discussing how messed up this whole education thing is. She actually made me feel better.

I said I couldn't complain because it was my fault I was taking on the responsibilities I was taking on. And she said, "Yeah, but if we didn't do these things, we'd just feel bad about ourselves."

Because our school is kind of competitive. And what about the college speeches we're given? Do this and this and this because otherwise blah blah blah... Sorry I got to thinking about credit scores and it nearly gave me a heart attack. I don't wanna be a fucking adult with a fucking credit score!!!!

Fuck you Henry David Thoreau. Why do I say this? Because I read this thing by him today, where he's basically all, "Stop feeling like you owe anyone anything. Stop worrying about time so much, and these fake responsibilities. YOLO. Live in the moment."

But, like. Funny thing is, we were given this reading as an assignment. So we can write an essay on it. That's due Friday. Hahah! That's like a huge middle finger stuck up all our asses!!!!! "Fuck deadlines," says Henry David Thoreau, the cause of aforementioned fucking deadline.

Don't worry, little Tho Tho (that's my nickname for Thoreau okay). I know you're dead. It's not your fault.

Still. I hate this whole thing. Like there isn't pressure to do the things we do. Dude. If I could, I'd stop doing homework, but according to these peeps, my future relies on it. Stupid. I'm a seventeen year old girl.

On one hand, I get it. We only have so long to live. Might as well get shit done.

On the other hand, we only have so long to live. Why are we subjecting ourselves to this... unnecessary stress??!?!?!?

Hah. Me, Alexis, and this other girl were joking. Like, "Stress is supposed to be really bad for you. Watch us all start dropping dead in our fifties."
And then we laughed about this entire future in which millenials kept dying from the stress they experienced as teens.

So stupid. I just remembered these aren't even real problems. I'm going to bed.

Because they still feel real. And I'm tired.


---

PS:

Liv goes, "I like how you're handling this whole crush situation."

I was like, "Whaddya mean?"

Liv, "Like you're not... flirting with him all of a sudden or anything. You're very sure of yourself. You know what you want."

Hah. Never heard that about myself. But I guess in this case, it's true. Bizaarrreee. Still, I'm already doubting the crush-thing so it's easy to just be normal. It was never hard, actually, even when I didn't doubt it (which was a two second period of my life).

K bye.


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