✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2016-05-04 01:20:45 (UTC)

Fixer-Upper

Dear Reader,


So, I lost the entry I was writing because I'm a moron.

I'll get into it again another time.
I'm just going to leave these thoughts for now.

If you read my diary, you might know that in the past I used to bottle up my feelings, and wouldn't allow myself to feel ANYTHING.
I would just be an emotion-less robot.
That was a defense mechanism that I used to escape feelings and trauma that I didn't want to handle.

And, I've slowly began to unravel. I'm learning how to feel again...
I'm learning how to handle my emotions instead of just burying them, and bottling them inside.
I've said in other entries, that because I'm learning how to feel again... I'm EXTREMELY sensitive to things that normal people who have a grip on their emotions, wouldn't be sensitive too.
It's like how Marlin in Finding Nemo has a higher tolerance to stings than Dory does because he's stung all the time, whereas Dory is not.

This is a slow process considering that I've spent the majority of my childhood, pre-teens, and early teenage years doing this..

I've made a lot of progress,
But I know that it's going to be something I'll have to continuously work on... because of my living situation, I still have to hold back, and save my emotions to be dealt with later on when I can be alone.

And you know, something else has come to my attention lately.


I've noticed that for the passed few years,
I've lived my life looking through a glaze or a lens, or a fog.

And, I understand why I have a glaze over everything.
I understand why it's there..


And it's occurred to me just how thick of a bubble of put around myself, just so I could cope with the life I use to have.
And that was high school life.

And, I don't need this defense anymore.
Or at least, it's not going to help me anymore..
It's going to hinder me more than anything.

You see...
I have so little control over my life right now.
And, I need to start moving forward and slowly start taking control back.
And, I'm afraid that it's not going to be at a nice and slow pace.

If I have learned anything about life and how the "real world" works, it's that reality is a cold, harsh, and hard truth.

And, it's difficult for really anyone to face.

A high school graduate stepping out into the world and trying to build a life for themselves so that they can be independent isn't exactly an easy task.
It can be easy for some, harder for others.

And if you know me, you know that I'm VERY far behind.
I don't know how to drive yet. I don't have a job.
I don't know if and when I'll go to college.
I don't know what I want to do with my life.
And it's because my mental illnesses have gotten the best of me,
And they've been dictating my life for a long time now.

And that's why this bubble/glaze defense was created.
Because facing the reality that I can't be dependent forever,
was too much for me to face for so long...

If you were to read my old diary,
You'd see this defense in the entries.
I couldn't even imagine a life after I graduated.
I couldn't even describe it.
In my head, all I could see really was gloom, doom,
And darkness.
That's how I described it.
That's really how I wrote about it...
I thought that the day after I graduated,
Everything would just go pitch black.
That's how I imagined it would be in my head.
Blackness for as far as the eye could see.


That's why I was so afraid of graduating.
That's why I couldn't bring myself to move forward in doing things like learning to drive or going ahead and start working.. but the thoughts of doing that would just fuck with my anxiety and depression SO fucking much that this defense was created so that I could literally just push the reality away, and see everything through a glaze or a lens..
And live believing that it was just a faraway problem that I'd deal with later on.
That it was so far away, it might never even happen.
That I'd stretch this out for as long as I possibly could (Being dependent) until I am forced to do these things.


And, maybe this defense helped me for awhile..
But now it's holding me back, and I need to do something about it.

And this defense is so fucking strong,
That straying from the norm is almost an anxiety inducing task.
That's how bad it is...
Like, my every day is the same old routine...
There's an imaginary rut that I'm walking in.. because of this defense.
It makes me angry or uncomfortable or unhappy even...
If I have to do something that's productive to my future.

And this glaze defense kinda holds hands with the old defense of bottling up my feelings...
Remember how I said I'm hyper sensitive?
Because I blocked out having to deal with these harsh realities and emotions that are tied to them,
Now I have to deal with BOTH at the SAME time.

So.. that's fun.

You know what it's like?
It's like... going through a house you recently bought that was previously owned, and having to go through and tear out all of the work that the previous owner did, and redo it.
Because the previous owner did weird fixes, or shitty fixes.. unnecessary fixes.
Long story short, the previous owner clearly didn't know what they were doing... and apparently didn't have access to professional help or guidance.
And you, being a little more skilled in home improvement,
Have to redo everything because the house has so many issues.

That's what it's like.
The house is my mind/mental health.
The previous owner was my younger self.
The new owner is my current self.

It's interesting to find all of these defenses,
and quick fixes that I've done in the past, and having to undo it.
It's not easy.


Like.. I don't want to live disconnected anymore.
I don't want to need this defense anymore.

I want to experience my life fully..
And I'm frustrated that I have to deal with so much internal shit..
In order to do so.

I want to move forward...

In real life, I'm the type of swimmers that can just jump in the water,
And just deal with the temperature all at once, and then after I've adjusted... swim.
My brother, E.. has to ease in little by little.
And I try to tell him that diving in is so much better than dragging it out... but he disagrees. He says for him, it's better to just ease into it.
And I think I finally understand that.

But let's say facing these realities is a pool...
I can't dive in at once...
I have to ease in little by little... that's just how it works with anxiety.. You're unable to deal with too much at once.
But that's the problem...
No one in my family understands.
I feel like E, standing there about to dip my toe in...
And they're already in the pool... trying to get me to jump in.
And, I can't even explain to them why I can't jump in.
Because I know they won't understand.. and I'll just be met with even more ridicule, and lecture, and belittlement.

This has only recently come to my attention like I said...
And I'm going to try to ease into the pool as fast as I can.

I wish I could go back in time,
and tell my younger self,
That life after graduation isn't darkness.
That it's actually a lot better than I thought.
I wish I could tell my younger self about Josh.
About the break-ups with Chaz, and J and Jon...
I wish I could tell my younger self that I don't need to be as afraid as I was.

I graduated May 31 of last year. And honestly, To say that I haven't made any progress for the almost year I've been out of school would be a lie...

I have made a lot of progress...
I'm learning.. I'm growing..
And I'm making strides.
I might not have a job, a driver's license, or any stance on college yet...

But, I have a fixer-upper house that was previously owned,
and it's undergoing renovations.

And, it's looking a lot better than it did last May.

Maybe, a little clearer even.


Sincerely,
JohnnyNash





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