2016-05-02 21:59:24 (UTC)

Issues With Idealism

"Jerusalem" by Dan Bern

When I tell you that I love you
Don't test my love
Accept my love, don't test my love
'Cause maybe I don't love you all that much

Don't ask what kind of music I'm gonna play tonight
Just stay awhile, hear for yourself awhile
And if you must put me in a box
Make sure it's a big box
With lots of windows
And a door to walk through
And a nice high chimney
So we can burn burn burn
Everything that we don't like
And watch the ashes fly up to heaven
Maybe all the way to india
I'd like that

All the ancient kings came to my door
They said "Do you want to be an ancient king too?"
I said "Oh yes, very much...
But I think my timing's wrong"
They said "Time is relative
Or did you misread Einstein"
I said "Do you really mean it?"
They said "What do you think we'd come here for?
Our goddamn health or something?"

Everybody's waiting for the Messiah
The Jews are waiting
The Christians are waiting
Also the Muslims
It's like everybody's waiting
They been waiting a long time
I know how I hate to wait
Like even for a bus or something
An important phone call
So I can imagine how darned impatient
Everyone must be getting

So I think it's time now
Time to reveal myself
I am the Messiah
I am the Messiah

Yes, I think you heard me right
I am the Messiah
I was gonna wait till next year
Build up the suspense a little
Make it a really big surprise
But I could not resist
It's like when you got a really big secret
You're just bursting to tell someone
It was kinda like that with this
And now that I've told you
I feel this great weight lifted
Dr. Nusbaum was right
He's my therapist
He said get it out in the open

I spent ten whole days in jerusalem
Mmm jerusalem
Sweet jerusalem
And all I ate was olives
Nothing but olives
Mountains of olives
It was a good ten days
***I like olives
I like you, too

So when I tell you that I love you
Don't test my love
Accept my love, don't test my love
'Cause maybe I don't love you all that much

May 2, 2016 Monday 10:00 PM [yo, eighteenth Battle of Hogwarts anniversary]

Ugh, so, I dunno. I think I was right. I think Adrian likes me. I mean. I wasn't gonna think about it but Alexis asked me if we were a thing. I said no but told her about last Thursday and stuff and. Yeah. She said he does like me and that they've talked about it. Obviously, I'm not surprised, but I was worried about it for some hours after.

Mostly I was worried I "led him on" or something, I dunno. I know I can be naturally flirty at times. Liv says people aren't used to me. Whatever that means, haha. I think that's her way of saying, "Yeah, you're kind of flirty-ish like that but like. I know you well enough to know flirting is not your intention." Or I don't!! Know!!

Dude. I don't even know hOW to flirt. But then, I guess I just do sometimes. With Adrian, apparently, since I touch him a lot and y'know. I don't know. I can't say I thought it was 100% platonic but I figured it was one of those things that never moves. And I still sort of figure that.

So yeah I was stressin' all like. Oh no. Should I stop with the physical contact? Jesus, how do I stop being... me, though? Like???? I don't even know what to change???

I'm not changing anything. I'm gonna keep doin' what I do. Adrian is fine. He's got a girlfriend, y'know, and I think he likes her (which makes me doubt my 'theory' but like. In the end it doesn't matter)???

Besides, Adrian is very smart. He knows me pretty well. I've made it very clear that I'm not about relationships or love and all that. So yeah. Things are fine.

Obviously, I'm not interested in anything more with Adrian. Maybe a little. But 'a little' isn't enough, y'know? Not for me. I'm afraid it would change things somehow anyway. That's not the reason, though. The reason is that I've still got that mildly screwed up perception of relationships. Meaning I'm sort of really, really, really idealistic and I can't stand the gross reality of human interactions, especially at that level of... intimacy, I guess.

Imagination is better, until I get it all sorted out. Nothing short of a severe crush will open me up to the idea of dating right now haha. I want that physical pull.


Gotta talk to Isaac tomorrow. He's so cute, I wanna pinch his cheeks. I hope I know him long enough to see him livin' it up with his first boyfriend.

But like. Yeah. I've gotta talk to him. He thinks I've been avoiding him. And like I've mentioned before, Isaac is sort of sensitive, despite all his... I dunno. Boy-ish tendencies.

Liv TRIED telling him I'm just stressed but. He didn't believe her?

I said hello to him in the hallway today and he stops and goes, "Hey why've you been avoiding me?" with a friendly smile. But, yeah. I don't trust that smile. Especially since I was smiling too, while inside my head my brain was all, "Facial muscles. Please stop that. I am no longer joyous. PUT DOWN THE GOD DAMN LIPS I DON'T WANT TO BE SMILING ANYMORE." Said lips did not listen. It was like the lower half of my face had died and just, like, immediately entered rigor mortis.

So yeah. Lying smiles.

I think that's so bizarre. How sometimes, you can be getting into a really tense situation... like an argument... but both involved parties will still be grinning because it's impossible to stop and as soon as you do you cross that line. From maybe-sorta-joking to dead serious. That's a scary line.

Yeah, well.

"Why've you been avoiding me?"

I said I hadn't. Which is not a lie. It's a truth. Hah.

So I have to explain all of this to him tomorrow.

Hopefully it'll go something like this.

Hi, Isaac. Look, I wasn't avoiding you. I was just really stressed. I know Liv already said that but believe me... it's the truth. When I get stressed out, I get sort of depressed and I dunno I stop talking to people. Ask all of my friends. Like, dude. The week before break, I burst out crying during second period and had to go home. It gets bad. I dunno. That was all. Sometimes I just need my space. Please don't take it personally. I really, really suck as a friend.

Yeah. I might not tell him about my crying episode or about how stress depresses me (pushes me into a series of existential crises, more like) but I feel like it might be more convincing then just repeating the same excuse.

Isaac doesn't care, though. Maybe I would've told him about my stress or something but in a way, he's sort of self-centered. So am I. So no hard feelings. I KNOW he doesn't care. And HE needs to know I can't always be there.

He came out to his parents, according to Liv. I wanna, like, be there for him. But I'm still really stressed out and... I have no fucking time on my hands for long conversations in which I'll be prying feelings out of his mouth.

Is that shitty of me? I don't know and I don't really... care, I guess. I've seen my sister put other people before herself. I've seen it end badly. I don't want to do that. I've always been the more selfish of the two of us anyhow.

So yeah. Me first. Trust me, it's better that way, for everyone (most of the time... can I even say most? I dunno. It's not like I've done a statistical analysis). You don't wanna deal with a crying Veronica.


Liv said, just some minutes ago, "I like listening to you talk :)"

Earlier in school, I'd said, "How do you listen to me talk?" Because I realized suddenly that I'm incredibly boring.

I like that she remembers stuff like that. How she thinks about my words. So... strange.


Um. A less sweet but equally cherished Liv moment would be earlier today. She was leaning on me and said all of a sudden, "One day I'ma put my finger in your butt hole."

????? She's so weird. Her and fingers. I love her haha. What the fuck even is that? Like. I just wonder what that line of thought must've looked like. I'm still laughing.


Track was amazing today. I don't know why. I just felt really good. Running was fun. We had to do it inside since it was raining but. Yeah. Plus we only ran for five minutes. Still. I felt like I could go forever.

We did stairs (basically just running up and down 3 floors) after that and yeah. Equally awesome. It was hot and humid, though, so we were all sweating gallons. My hair is really gross right now actually from all the sweat. I gotta go take a shower...



I beat my Personal Record on Saturday, as mentioned last entry probably (I'm down from 29-point-something to 28-point-something seconds!!! HELL YEAH!!! It's less than a second difference but still, that's in sprinting so.. I'm proud of me).

Anyway, a couple other girls beat their own PR's too. So we were stuck in a raffle and I won! Which means my coach gave me a t-shirt from the relay we attended. I'm super happy and wearing it now. It's sort of ugly but I like it. Just. Is this neon yellow or lime [email protected]??!???! We shall never know?

I'm just!!! So. I dunno. I'm not used to feeling so good about anything I've done.

I still feel stupid. But at least I have a shirt.


Dude contacted me on my birthday. Forgot to mention.

(NOTE: Isaac said he didn't say happy birthday to me because I had been ignoring him. Wow. Then Adrian was all, "WHEN WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY?" Hah. Sux 2 b him.)

Yeah, well. I hadn't talked to him since last August! I said hi back, was all, "We should catch up."

But then he asked me how I was and I opened the message but didn't have time to reply and yeah. Last night, he sent me another message, like, "Okay don't answer that's fine too. I guess I didn't expect this to be so... empty" or I dunno I'm paraphrasing.

I felt so bad! I totally forgot! WHy do I suck so much. I apologized to him earlier. Now I just need to send him another message and all. I dunno. I feel shitty about my friendship skillz. It's just, he lives in like California. Sometimes, I assume people don't like me anymore? So I cut them off? And it's especially easy when that person doesn't live in NY?

So I did that. And um. Guess he wasn't too cool with that.

Uhg. I gotta go, for realz.


Been thinking about this one girl I sort of know.

I hope she gets out of town. I mean after high school. I look around and think about how many people'll still be stuck in [name of my city] in a decade. And, like. I'm sure some of them will love it. But others might think, "This was not my life plan," and. I'm scared to figure out who those people are. I might be one of them.

Ah, whatever. A decade from now is hopefully far from the end of their lives. They can still get out.

Get out of this ugly old place. It's sort of pretty, though, with all its grime. All ugly things become beautiful at some point. It's gross parts??? are brutal honesty. It's sad. And true. When I look at it that way, it's really hard to be disgusted with the world I live in, although it doesn't stop me from mourning for something... Maybe for the beauty in my head that doesn't really exist, will never really exist.

But. I've always had an issue with idealism. As much as I try to claim opposite, or counteract it with pessimism. It's there. Maybe permanently. Who cares.




PS: (it's 11:10 PM and I just got outta da shower)

Saw Lily earlier when I went to drop off a packet at her house. It was awkward. I don't know why. Maybe bc her boyfriend suddenly appeared behind her but like. It was awkward before that. Maybe because earlier Liv told me about Lily's sex life (this was stuff heard, like, third hand because Lily doesn't actually discuss that) and my mind was like, 'Nooo this isn't right I don't wanna know unless she tells me herself' but like. Too late.

I dunno.

Earlier I had a fleeting thought. She came back from Florida today and after she didn't answer her texts for awhile, my head was all, "Maybe she died in a plane crash," and that was a pleasant thought mostly because of the resulting angsty images in my head. Oh, the drama.

But I know in reality, if that were to happen, I wouldn't be weeping in a black dress in front of a coffin. Nah. I'd get pissed off. I mean, yeah, I'd cry but like. Angry tears. Like, "Fuck you god-I-claim-I-don't-believe-in-while-simultaneously-addressing-you-as-if-you're-real...-um...-god...what?.... HOW DARE YOU TAKE LILY?!"

And then I'd grab a shovel and dig up her body or something because no. Lily cannot die. I like her not-dead.


I lost like two pounds. Woo-hoo!


Sandwich once again called me boring today. He claimed he was joking, but I know that he's really not. I dunno. I try not to take it personally. I know he doesn't know me very well.

Sometimes it makes me feel kinda shitty though and eh.


There was something else but I forgot. Probs for the best. Oh! The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock! I read it awhile ago. Forgot how lovely that poem is. I have measured out my life in coffee spoons... or something.

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