Aeryn Sun

Uncharted Territories
2016-04-28 21:42:19 (UTC)

Sunflowers

The first person I remember telling me they loved me was my paternal grandmother. She died 16 yrs ago and the last time I remember seeing her, she was walking down the street after getting off of work. I was on the bus heading home from school. I saw her walking and was happy, because I loved her and hadn't seen her in a long time, but then sad because I couldn't speak to her. I wasn't allowed to. Her and my aunt had made a complaint w/ CPS about me being abused and when they didn't find any evidence of that (because they didn't look hard enough) things in my family went back to it's normal fucked up ways and I was banned from speaking to my aunt or grandmother. Ever since that day I've regretted not getting off of that bus, regretted not running to my grandmother and hugging her and telling her I loved her. I've carried that guilt w/ me until today. Tonight, I'm finally letting go thanks to my aunt, whom I reconnected w/ a few years ago.

It's a constant battle, but I'm going to try to let go of that guilt and instead focus on the good times and the love that she brought into my life. My aunt made me ask both my grandmother and myself for forgiveness and immediately I felt the forgiveness from my grandmother. I imagined her hugging me, saying it was ok. I miss her, wish she could have gotten to see the woman I've become, wish I still had her in my life now. I wonder if she's able to see me, to find me, w/ all the times I've moved. I imagine she can. A sign that she's watching over me would be nice though. Just to feel her presence. I know she watches over us; I once had a dream that she came to visit a few years after her death, just to check on us, including Jen who she'd never met.

Saturday is her birthday. I remember she always had sunflowers in her garden, the really tall, 12' high sunflowers that always seemed to turn their heads towards the sun. This year I planted sunflowers, in memory of her, for me to have that feeling I had standing in her beautiful garden, for me to remember her love.




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