LustingforNightmares

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2016-04-27 13:38:12 (UTC)

Kelly Ripa Launches This Line Of Thought


"The Weary Kind" by Ryan Bingham

Your body aches
Playing your guitar and sweating out the hate
The days and the nights all feel the same


April 27, 2016 Wednesday 1:44 PM


Eh. I feel funny.

Like. I dunno. I was all depressed yesterday. Watching the news didn't help. All those shit storms out there. But it's not really the disasters that depressed me. I was more saddened by some of the stupid stuff people get concerned about.

I feel really bad judging, but I mean? Really? A news segment on Kelly Ripa and her emotional problems? I wouldn't be so annoyed if the segment had been a positive one, like, "Hey, people, I know the world sucks right now but look, this is good news, this is light-hearted!!! This will distract you!!!"

It IS a distraction, but it's the worst kiiiind. It's, "hey, get super concerned about this one beautiful person's life because she's crying okay, forget about the more pressing issues, what, go buy People magazine"

Ugh. Ew. I feel gross after all that judgement. There's a chance I just misunderstood the situation.

But from where I stand, it just seems sad. A talk show host upset about her co-worker leaving??? Because it's short notice??? Okay. These are issues. She has a right to be upset and all, but ??!?!?!?!?!?!? god, why is it a news segment??!?!?!

I guess it just feels empty to me. Cooking shows, talk shows, The Price Is Right, Jeopardy – all empty. Or maybe I'm the one who's empty. Those shows always seemed to scoop something out of me, though, and the news is the same way. It's shallow sometimes.

And then I feel so dumb saying that, because what am I even asking for? Some people LIKE talk shows and Kelly Ripa crying and Entertainment Tonight (THE MOST DEPRESSING SHOW OF THEM ALL).

Who am I to condemn people for being into that stuff? For being interested in Beyonce's personal life or, like, what some celebrity's baby looks like.

Personally, I don't care. Like at all. But wouldn't I care a little if it were, like, Modest Mouse or something? A band I connect to very deeply?

If they were all, "Is Isaac Brock chEAting On HIs gIRlfriEND with SO-and so?????".... Wait, never mind, I would not care. Not about THAT at least.

I'm confused.

All I know is: Kelly Ripa made me sad. It's okay, Kelly Ripa, it's not really your fault. It's the whole business your in that makes me wilt a little on the inside. It's the switching from talking about a serious degenerative muscle disease to a rich woman tearfully explaining why she took three days off work.

I guess when I put it that way, it trivializes that lady's complaints, but you're also not supposed to compare pains. It's just sometimes I think people are getting worked up over nothing, y'know? Creating problems where there could be none. Or at least blowing a small issue out of proportion.

I'm doing that right now, though, aren't I?

It's not like this one instance represents all of humanity. I see it everywhere, though. On the covers of magazines at the grocery store and in advertisements and internet articles and tumblr posts, like. WHo cares???!?!?!

A lot of people do. Including me, apparently, although I kind of care more that people actually care about this shit???! That's no better or worse, though.

I just want to stop being saddened by these things. It's so easy to make me sad with shallow things, but shallow things aren't bad! Not always! Still.

THINGS THAT HURT ME ON THE INSIDE:

1. Watching TV too long. Especially if it's not a cartoon or TV show. If it's, like, a weird HGTV type show, I will eventually leave the couch in a horrible daze. I remember this from when I was really little, sort of. I used to sit on the couch watching Rachel Ray with my mom after school and then I'd wander away from the television, eventually, at like 6 PM feeling really bland. I'd be tired, but not sleepy, and restless but unwilling to move. So instead I'd pick fights with my dad or something, haha.

There was always an extra depressing layer added, knowing that my mom was too tired to cook all those delicious foods you see on TV, that'd I'd probably be eating a soggy quesadilla again– and knowing we didn't have enough money to make our house look like Home Makeover, that we were left with this hundred year old shit box that mom hates so much (I don't hate it, though, and it's not actually a shit box.).

Tantalus. Greek myths are the shit, man.


2. Sleeping in on rainy days. I hate waking up past noon when it's been drizzling the entire morning. Everything is so gloomy. Normally, I like the gray-ness of it all, but... It feels more like wasted time on those days. Waking up late in general makes me feel shitty. It's all about the wasted time. I keep feeling like I don't have enough /time/. It's like a reminder that I'm trapped in this way of life, more by my own self than anyone else.


3. Magazines. So many articles about skin problems and, like, coupons for a sale at a chain clothing store. It's also sad in the same way watching TV is sad. All those bright, shiny products on bright, shiny people and mostly, you can't have that stuff they wear. And even if you did, you'd still feel unsatisfied. You (I) want to want, and what for?


4. Shopping malls. Grocery stores.

So much... stuff? So many people. Well, grocery store lighting adds a sad level to it's vibe, but malls are worse I think. They've got department stores with low quality fabrics on shiny metal racks and foam tile ceilings, rough carpets of an ambiguous shade. (That's not to say my clothes are so much better. They're really not. I BUY stuff from those department stores. And it's all made in China.)

I just sort of hate the crowds and I hate the dishonesty in advertisement, the showcasing of ultimately useless products.


5. Homework. Like, a little is okay. I enjoy learning. I enjoy doing math. It's sort of mindless when it's easy and as long as it's keeping me a little engaged, it's fun. But when I have piles and piles and piles of work??? It just makes me hate life. What's the point of all this knowledge? Little of which I will retain??? What. Is. The. Point. Of stressing kids out, shoving information into their heads?

It seems like a bad idea. But I haven't got any better ones, so like. Who am I to say it's all wrong? I understand that adjusting systems are difficult. If APUSH did one thing for me, it taught me that the world is slow slow slow to change, even in the essentially insignificant ways.

Well. That's not always true. Bad stuff always seems to happen quickly. That's because bad stuff is almost always The Easy Way. And sometimes it doesn't start out bad. It just gets to be that way...

UGH! Point is, I'm frustrated as fuck with school. I'm pissed off that I'm spending my spring break sitting at our dining room table doing homework. It's my fault, because I'm the one who signed up for this damn class. Which, never again, by the way. AP classes are bullshit. Well, maybe not for some, but wHy WHY WHY did I think it'd be a good idea to give my life away???!?!?! Jesus!

I don't have a lot of days of freedom left! Actually, I don't think I have ANY left. Not for a year at least. I'll be studying all break. And over the summer, I plan to work and take a one or two requisite classes at the high school (so I can get them out of the way. I am pretty sure the science program will be invade my life so I don't want to worry about stupid Health class just because it's a requirement. I wonder, can I abandon gym class...?).

––––

Okay. Sorry. I'm done complaining. The sun is all shiny. Lily's in Florida right now, with the shiny shiny sun. Says she's crispy.

I haven't talked to Liv, but I'm not annoyed with her anymore. Probably because I haven't seen her in six-ish days.

Okay. I don't want to publish this right now (it's 2:21 PM) for some reason, so I think I'll hold off and go practice piano for now.

----

(I got my hair cut today.

Thought about how easy it is to die – irrelevant but hey it was on my mind. So. Death = easy. Which scared me a little.

I dunno. It's not my death I fear (mostly), it's what I leave behind. If anything.

I'm, like, not ready (duh, who's ready at seventeen?).

I need to leave a treasure hunt or something. I need to scribble down my sins and master the art of sex and I need to write something that isn't terrible, something that doesn't feel so thin to me – so void of meaning and real emotion.

I WANT TO GARDEN, AND I WANT TO GROW UP AND ADOPT A BLACK LAB AND NAME IT WILY. I WANNA WIGGLE AROUND WITH WILY AND HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO NOT WORRY ABOUT VISITS TO THE VET AND I WANNA be happy and make the people around me happy and all this sounds so very boring when I write it down.

Well, no. It sounds lovely. But yes, a little dull.

I want to help save the world. I want to cut someone open. I want /to want/ all of this so bad I can feel it in my body – but I really DON't want it that much. It's just making my feet tap and my pigtails flop around, is all. In the core of me, there's still a lovely absence.

My kitty is purring on my lap.

I dunno. I guess there's a lot I want to do, want to leave behind, before I die. But mostly, it's writing. Meaningful writing, wasteless words.

Which to me seems like the saddest thing I could possibly want.)

-

PS:

Kitty likes when I play piano. Whenever I start, she hops on the bench and meows at me, purrs, leans. Then she sits on top of the piano, right by the window where the sun leaks and ye!!! I'm pleased by this. Little kitty with the mossy eyes. Maybe she hates the music and is trying to get me to stop, but like.

She's pretty so I forgive her.



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