My Crazy, Amazing, Messed up Life
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2016-04-23 23:06:41 (UTC)

What Am I Doing?

I don't even know what I am doing anymore. I am emotionally hurting myself and Andrew. For the past 2 weeks I have done the same thing every night. Lie down, stare at my roof and cry until I finally fall asleep around 10ish. I then wake up somewhere between 1-2am feeling empty and useless. I drift back to sleep only to wake at 6am even though I could sleep as long as I wanted. This pattern is unusual for me and I don't like it. I cry every night. I wish I had more sleep tonight. I feel lonely every night even though people are surrounding me who just want to help.
I don't know what is wrong with me and I don't know if there is any way to fix it. But I don't like it.
Every piece of advice I get from friends, blogs and websites says something along the lines of: when your boyfriend is clingy you can either 1. Be clingy in return. 2. sit down and talk to him. or 3. Break up with him. I cannot be clingy in the way that he is, it is just not who I am. I have tried sitting down and talking to him but it only seemed to have an effect for a couple of hours. I don't know if I want to break up with him. With him, it hurts. But without him, I can't help but feel that I won't be able to bounce back from it. I know that I will be a mess and not want to live anymore (but I am NOT suicidal) and I know that I will not be able to stop thinking and crying and it could break me. I just don't know if I can recover from that.
What is wrong with me?
Why am I doing this to Andrew?
Why am I doing this to myself?
And what do I do? Cause I don't know what I am doing anymore.