My Crazy, Amazing, Messed up Life
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2016-04-23 11:10:52 (UTC)

I Hate Myself

This is going to be so self centred but I hate myself. I hate that I can never decide what I want. That I constantly change my mind and that I want things I can't have. I hate how I like to date so many boys because I feel like a fucking slut and I hate how none of those boys seem to be right for me.
I have always felt that Andrew was right for me, but i'm not so sure anymore. He is amazing and he has never done anything wrong but, as cliché as it sounds, it's not him, it's me. But it is me. He is so so clingy and I understand that it just means that he cares, but I can't stand it anymore. He is always touching me (not sexual but always hand holding or similar shit), always trying to talk to me and he gets upset every day that I tell him that I can't hang out. He always seems shocked that I have other PEOPLE IN MY LIFE. I have friends and family and he doesn't need all of my attention 24/7. I have tried sitting down and talking to him about this but he just doesn't seem to get it. I know i'm the bad guy here but have you ever thought that maybe the bad guy didn't necessarily have bad intentions? I just want us both to be happy, and I don't think that we can be happy with each other.
When we were just friends he always talked about a girl named Tamara. He always told me how much he loved her and how the only reason he broke up with her in the first place, was because her mother was making threats against him and he was sick of it. If we were to break up, he would go back to her. She is always watching me in a way that says "hands off my man" so she obviously wants him back, and I am sure that he wants her back. Emotions don't just disappear that easily.
As well as this, there is this guy I have begun crushing on. I feel so so guilty that I am crushing on someone whilst in a relationship, I know it is wrong and if I could help it, I would. But I can't. I am loosing sleep because of him, I can't stop thinking about him and I feel as if there is a part of me missing. I think that he could fix all of that. In a relationship with him, I wouldn't feel like the man. I wouldn't have to deal with accidentally hurting his feelings or assuring that I am not going to leave him. Recently, this guy Alex (I call him eyebrow Alex ) has decided to get onto Andrew's nerves, but it is difficult for people to shit stir Andrew. So what does this guy Alex decide to say to him? "I'm going to fuck your girlfriend". This is where it gets personal. Making threats against me, to hurt Andrew. That is NOT okay. And I wasn't there when this happened, I heard it from Andrew and what does Andrew tell me "I almost hit him". Almost? He threatened me and you ALMOST hit him? If I was there I would've beaten the shit out of him. And I know it is terrible to compare but the guy i'm crushing on wouldn't have let this happen. Even though we aren't together, if he had have been there, this dude would be in the hospital. So I suppose it is lucky for Alex that he wasn't there. But I no longer feel safe. I am constantly watching my back and am always paranoid that someone will come out of nowhere and try to rape or kill me. I wouldn't put it past some people to try that, and I admit, I am scared shitless. I am 5 foot 2 with no muscle and no training. I need to learn how to defend myself. Now.

Advice on what to do please??


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