✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2016-04-22 07:34:16 (UTC)

Smothered


Dear Reader,


My best friend has feelings for me.

When we first met, we fooled around.. He was immediately attracted to me. I think it was within the first week maybe that he asked me to be his girlfriend. I declined, and the more I got to know him, I just couldn't see myself with him. There wasn't a spark. He's just not the right person for me.

Eventually, I stopped feeling sexually attracted to him. And I let him know how that I wasn't comfortable sexting anymore.

Through it all, we decided to stay friends, and he's the best friend I've ever had.

He's all I have.
He listens to me, we talk everyday.
We have deep conversations.
He's there for me.

But there's a problem.

I have to hide all aspects of my love life.
I can't talk about it.
It has to be non-existent.

In fact, he gets upset when I date people.

I wasn't sure how I was going to tell him to when I was dating Chaz. I wrote an entry about it before I told him, and he read it and he flipped the fuck out on me. He acted as if I were HIS girlfriend, and he just found out I was cheating on him.

I needed to talk about the relationship with Chaz a lot.. And I couldn't. Because he would get upset.

Whenever I finally told him some of the things Chaz did to me, he asked me why I hadn't told him sooner. And I couldn't tell him that either.

Like, I understand how it feels to witness someone you have feelings for be with someone else, but it's like he wants me to feel guilty for it. It's like he just wants me to be single for the rest of my life.

We can't skype because he gets depressed, because he's reminded of his feelings for me, and how he can't have me.

He gets jealous if I give other people more time, or treat them differently. He wants to be the most special person in my life.
He has to be #1.

If I go offline for awhile, or don't respond right away, like when I'm doing something else, talking to someone else, or just generally don't feel like talking, when I come back, I have to have a good reason for being gone.

I made a new skype account, because I had to stay invisible all th time on my old account JUST so he wouldn't know when I was skyping someone. (Chaz contributed to me making a new account too)

I started this diary because I felt as though I couldn't be honest in my old diary. I was leaving so much shit out because I knew he would read it all, and it would cause problems.
That triggered a severe case of writer's block that lasted a very very long time. I tried writing in other diaries, but this one was the only one I managed to keep up.

And, the sad thing is, if he found this diary he would probably flip out.

Sometimes I really want to show him something I wrote, but I can't.
Sometimes I'll post something here, and I'll start to tell him about it, and then remember.
Sometimes I want to talk about an entry or something I'm trying to write that I intend on posting here, and I can't because he'll expect it to be posted in the old diary.

I really wish I could tell him about my boyfriend, but he wouldn't take it well, especially since it technically hasn't been very long since I got out of a relationship.
I don't know when I'll tell him.

I hate that I feel this way. I know he can't help it. It's just the way he ticks. I don't blame him for it. It's just sometimes it really smothers me having to tiptoe around and be careful all the time.

Sincerely,
Caution




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