2016-04-21 19:04:01 (UTC)

I Need You I Don't Need You

"Chelsea Hotel No. 2" by Leonard Cohen [ooooohhhhhhhh this good]

I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel
You were talking so brave and so sweet
Givin' me head on the unmade bed
While the limousines wait in the street

Those were the reasons
That was New York
We were runnin' for the money and the flesh
And that was called love for the workers in song
Probably still is for those of them left

But you got away didn't you babe?
You just turned your back on the crowd
When you got away
I never once heard you say

I need you
I don't need you
I need you
I don't need you
And all of that jivin' around

I remember you well
In the Chelsea Hotel
You were famous, your heart was a legend
You told me again, you preferred handsome men
But for me you would make an exception

And clenching your fist
For the ones like us
Who are oppressed by the figures of beauty
You fixed yourself
You said "Well nevermind
We are ugly but we have the music"

And then you got away didn't you babe?
You just turned your back on the crowd
When you got away I never once heard you say
I need you
I don't need you
I need you
I don't need you
And all of that jivin' around

I don't mean to suggest
That I loved you the best
I can't keep track of each fallen robin
I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel
That's all, I don't think of you that often

April 21, 2016 Thursday 7:24 PM

I felt content this whole day. Not sad, but very quiet. I don't like when I feel quiet. It makes it very difficult to connect with my surroundings. It's hard to feel solid like that... People will say things to me, and I'll reply with an empty non sequitur and they'll just give me a funny look, a funny laugh, and go, "Yeah..." And I'll feel a bit down because if only there as a way to let them know that I'm not all here.

Despite all that, it was a sunny day and I felt very nice. I felt... not empty, but not like myself. More like I was being filled by everything outside of me, nothing coming from within, and this is pretty good.

We went on a field trip today.

It was to Mass MoCa (an art museum in Massachusetts) and there was this exhibit by some guy called Alex Da Corte and it was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.

It was like walking into someone else's dream. And then, it also seemed to move in life stages. The exhibit was... um, maybe seven rooms? Yeah. Around seven. And one of the rooms was just lit by green neon lights, and this guy even made sure some rooms SMELLED a certain way. Green-neon-light room smelled like lemon-y chemicals and it was nice, like before you start existing consciously or something, I dunno. Embryonic.

The largest room was a series of, I dunno, sections and it looked like childhood (the ideal childhood... like the kind you imagine would be advertised in futuristic magazines from the 50's... dis make sense????) with all the bright colors and toys... there was a shallow pond with plastic swans moving in circles, and lily pads in the corners. Also pancakes floating with those. That's what gave it the whole surreal feel, is weird shit like that.

But, I dunno, the exhibit was also sort of creepy. It had underlying dark themes. I don't know how to let you know, though... It's one of those things a person has to witness. I guess it's a lot like a kids show. Where it's all bright colors and smiles, but there's some deeply disturbing messages buried all in there because these things are always created by people and people are always fucked in one way or another.

My favorite room had this strange video, mostly containing people's hands, and this song was playing in the background. There was something nostalgic about it, something depressing. I dunno. It was just good, so-very-very-very very good. And I think I'd like to live in that space, because it's like living in a part of my mind and jeez, it's nice to be surrounded by terrible friendliness – if that makes sense. Maybe it doesn't. But I understand.

WHatever, I loved that exhibit more than I can put into words.

Sometimes I am pretty sure Sandwich and John and other Lunch Crew people think I am empty.

I wonder why Sandwich cares about me. He really doesn't know me very well.


Lily and her new boyfriend are very cute. Me and Alexis discussed this in depth. Me and Alexis. Alexis and I. Get out of my head, elementary school teachers.


I am very disinterested in relationships if they include me. Even though I have a crush right now (on that kid I half-hate, Birdy. Also Liv's crush, haha, but yeah. I'm not ashamed. He is beautiful. That's not even my opinion, he'd be considered beautiful by most people who share the whole American beauty standard ideal thing jesus lots of words what... is that a thing? Whatever. it is now).

Anyway, yeah. There's that. I don't get it. Sometimes I think I wanna boyfriend, but when I think about it, I just want someone I can use for a bit. Like a friend, but without the gross-out-ness that comes with approaching a friend in that way, haha.


Haven't been feelin' Liv lately. I want my space from her again, for I-don't-know-how-long.

My birthday is on Saturday. I don't really wanna do anything. Lily and Laney are the only ones being chill about it, because they know me very well. Liv knows me too but still. She wants to come over on Saturday and like celebrate but I really don't want that.

I don't want a celebration. Last year, it was nothing but a burden. I mean, it was fun I guess, but I don't like being responsible for keeping all these people entertained and I was sort of depressed last April – I just wanted to mope.

But, uh. Yeah. I'm just confused. I don't want to... Well, my birthday is bound to be disappointing. The days after will be nice. It's just, I don't like parties (thrown for me) and I don't like the absence of them. ???

I want some kind of acknowledgement, some sign that everything is different, but... Nothing's different. I already "feel" seventeen. Sometimes I forget I'm sixteen right now. Strange because normally it takes me awhile to adjust to my age. But, eh. Feelings are nothing.

In conclusion: I dislike my birthday because I want some divine sign, something to let me know that Things Have Changed, but I always end up with a party and a silent mind and a wish that I could've just skipped the day entirely. My expectations are too high.

Also, Liv is not someone I want to spend time with right now. I don't understand it. I really think I am a terrible friend. This stuff keeps happening and just – ugh.

Do I really need anyone? I dunno. Lately, no. But in the future, the answer will be yes. And then no. And then yes again. No yes no yes no.

I hate waves, waves, waves.

Sine always comes to mind, god damn it.


I shall sleep soon. I have had my soup. I have watched much Adventure Time. Now I need to write. I dunno. Writing is the ultimate. Everything I do will lead back to it. I worry about that. Why am I this way? Is it because I read so much as a kid? I remember having homework in Kindergarten. Coloring in the A for Ax right before bed. Procrastinating even at five years old. Haha...

See y'all. Mind has moved on. There is more somewhere. Thinking along the lines of raw, beating hearts. Bloody and delicate, vessels purpled and snaking all irregular, thin stretched membranes. It's crazy how all that came to be.



Prince is dead. Lily's boyfriend told us all on the bus ride back to school. I was half-asleep when I heard and it was just bizarre. It was like when my sister told us Michael Jackson had died. We were driving either to or from Mt. Rushmore on our way back to our real home (here in NY that is) (we'd been living in California for six months). The resulting emotion was a kind of detached tilt of the world. I can't name one Prince song. It's just strange that someone is dead. It is always strange.

I could say this about every celebrity who has died this year, though.

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