LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2016-04-19 11:42:35 (UTC)

Bad News Followed By Good News.... what a boring title

"Tear In My Heart" by Twenty One Pilots [21 pilots is super cheesy sometimes]

"Skin and Bones" by Owen

Skin and Bones
Blood and Teeth
This is essentially who we are

Hair and clothes
The company we keep
This is regrettably who we are to others


April 19, 2016 Tuesday 11:44 AM


Writing because I "have time." First about the negative stuff since that's why I "have time."

I'm home right now because I kinda-sorta had a panic attack at school starting at like... 10 AM and I couldn't calm down so I finally came home like ten minutes ago (Lily drove me – she was also rubbing my back the whole time and was generally nice and I love her).

I'm so mad at myself for that. Not only am I stuck with a massive headache, I also missed Spanish and Gym and Chemistry... God fucking damn it. And right now I'm missing art. And unless I wanna miss precalc, I have to be back at school in like an hour.

I feel so stuppppiiiid. I dunno. I have felt on the verge of tears all day, I dunno why. I think I fucked myself up by accident. I mean, I missed a dose of my medication over the weekend, but that's happened before and it's been okay. Last night, I took a three hour nap and then did homework for 2 hours and went back to sleep at midnight. Also okay.

But when I woke up, I just felt awful. And then I went to school and continued feeling awful, which sucked... obviously... I don't like being a downer so it was annoying that only negative stuff was on my mind.

(Side note: I asked Mr. Washington how all his knowledge of history fails to make him cynical to the point of like... depression or something. And from what he said, I think I can understand that he views the cycles of history in a more positive light than I do. I tend to see that the same things keep happening, same problems persisting – he sees that, little by little, progress is being made)

After first period, I went to my locker... dropped my water bottle... it broke. Which was when I decided I was skipping Spanish class. ANd I did. I went to Sandwich's room instead, while he was having a class, and did an E-quiz for APUSH which made me wanna scream.

And then while I was laying down for the last ten minutes of second period, my BODY started CRYING. And liv was laying on me, as was Polaris, but they didn't notice thank fuckkkkk.

But when the bell rang and people filed out, Lily came up to me and was all, "are you okay?" and I shook my head no which of course my body took as permission to start sobbing.

I think it's stress???

I mean. I have like... a lot to do. I have a lecture due tomorrow as well as another assignment for Mr. Washington, stacked on top of the rest of the assignments I have due to him the day after and the day after... and I have this stupid freaking diorama to finish, chapters to read, SAT prep after school, and ugh! My head hurts so bad. I don't wanna go back to school.... but I left literally all my stuff there. All I brought home was my phone, since it was in my pocket.

I dunno, Lily comforted me for awhile. And Pootray was in the room talking to Sandwich. Alexis was in there for a bit I think. Then when Pootray left, he was being nice and stuff but he called me by Caroline's name accidentally. Alright, haha.

Missing class is just stressing me out more ugghghghhghg.

Yeah, well. After everyone except Sandwich, Lily and I were gone, Sandwich started asking me what was wrong. Liuckily he wasn't being sappy, he was just being his normal, vaguely abrasive self.

And he said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I know you and your sister have problems."

I told him that I knew what he knew about me. I know he knows I tried to kill myself. I know either Caroline or Ethan told him. God I feel nauseas.

He didn't acknowledge it directly because Lily was there (even though she already knows – we were friends at the time) but he said, "If you ever try that [again], I'll fucking kill you."

I dunno, but then his next class started coming in and I couldn't look anyone in the eye and too many people were around me and too many people tried to talk to me – I had to go to the bathroom where I thought I'd be able to calm down but I couldn't. I just stood in a bathroom stall for the whole period, calming down and then freaking out again. It was annoying. Reciting pi was not working.

Finally the monitor came in and told me to get out, that I wasn't allowed to hang around but when she saw I was crying she left me alone. Good. Jesus Christ.

Lily just texted me to say I should stay home. Aww. She's nice. But I worry.

Speaking of Lily – she came into the bathroom shortly after the monitor. She asked me to come out so she could rub my back, but I wouldn't. I just wanted to go home, and I told her so (I'd spent the whole period texting my mom trying to find a ride home, but she's at work).

So then Lily offered to bring me home and that was that. Ugh. Head hurts. Will continue later.

---

6:59 PM


I ended up taking a nap after the entry. Momma bought me some food. Dad was there too. They were okay.

But yeah, I was feeling pretty gross and sick so I just went to sleep on the couch for about an hour and a half – woke up right before eighth period bell would've rang (1:45-ish) and ate, watched Adventure Time, brushed my teeth. By the time that was all over it was like 3 PM and I walked to school for track practice and then SAT review. Just got home from that.

In a pretty bad mood. Mostly feeling shitty about myself for missing school. I dunno, I hate that I miss it – I feel like I'm being watched. I missed school once last week and I was late the week before and a few people got to thinking I'm always late or something but it's just because I'm, I dunno, irritated.

Stressed, I think, but the stress feels separate from me. Obviously, my body does not agree with that idea, though, since whenever anyone asked me if I was okay earlier, it was like a fucking faucet was being yanked on.

Yeah, but. Anyway. I dunno. I'm... meh.

Liv was irritating me a bit. She was telling me about how she thought (earlier when she'd been laying on my stomach) that I might've been tearing up but didn't say anything because she knew if she did, Polaris would never leave me alone.

And then she went on to talk a little about how she was proud of herself for like... noticing that stuff? And noticing I needed to be alone and shit? Which just. Ugh. Annoyed me, somehow. Cool for you, Liv. Congrats, you know me soooo well. Except for that most people like to have their space when they're freaking out.

Whatever. She was just annoying me. Same case yesterday. I don't get it. I think it's just that I'm stressed out. Some time spent with her usually gets rid of the feeling. Or magnifies it. Depending.

Lily was the highlight of my day, basically. She only asked me a couple questions about it and acted normal and stuff. I dunno, and she did the back rubbing thing which is a Very Good Thing for calming me down.

Apparently, Sandwich said he loved me. Lily told him she was going to take me home and he went, "Tell her I love her and give her a hug from me. And from Alexis. And Polaris..." and so on. I like that I have so many people but I also feel so defensive now.

I get frustrated when people ask me if I'm okay, especially when I'm not, and I'm worried people are going to try and be gentle with me. Which I don't want. I just want everything to be normal. I feel weak enough as it is. Really... Combined with yesterday's events, I just feel soo weak. People around me don't seem so stressed? And I don't even feel that stressed except for that I do at the same time? I'm confused. I'm just. Dumb.

(Yesterday, I was unable to finish our workouts at track. That's the first time that happened for me. I dunno, I'm beating myself up way too much for such a small thing).

GOOD NEWS:

I had to run a stupid 400 at a meet on Saturday and the coaches approved. I was slowing down at the end and I thought I was going to start crying, to be honest, because it's torture to sprint for that long but they said other than the slowing down, I did really well and all I'd need to do is get used to the distance.

We have a meet tomorrow. Luckily, I'm back to doing 100s and 200s. Thank fuck.

Also, I GOT INTO THE SCIENCE PROGRAM.

SO NEXT YEAR I'LL BE GOING TO THE CAPITAL CITY'S UNIVERSITY AND CONDUCTING RESEARCH AND COOL SHIT LIKE THAT OHHHHH THIS IS AWESOME.

I'M KIND OF SURPRISED I MADE IT IN. ON ONE HAND, I THINK I'M A SHOO-IN BECAUSE OF MY GRADES. BUT ON THE OTHER...??? I DUNNO, I JUST DIDN'T THINK I'D MAKE IT BECAUSE OF MY LACK OF SCIENCE-RELATED EXTRACURRICULARS AND ALL THAT. I'M WORRIED I WILL NOT BELONG. SCIENCE IS NOT WHERE MY SKILLS REALLY LIE.

BUT! YEAH!!! THIS OTHER KID FROM MY CHEMISTRY CLASS MADE IT TOO. HE'S COOL. I HOPE WE CAN BE FRIENDS, I GUESS. I HOPE NEXT YEAR ISN'T TOO WEIRD AND AWKWARD.

I wonder what I should do for my first poster project???!?!?!?!?!??!?! oh jeez.

Okay. I gotta go. I have a looooottttttttt to do.


RECAP:

I dunno. Did I have a panic attack?! I have no idea. I don't think so. I could still feel my fingers and everything. I just couldn't breathe right and I couldn't stop crying. Still, that was sort of an "episode" I guess. Probably why I still go to therapy. I haven't been to see Pat since, like, early March though.

Also, I got into a super cool science program for my senior year of high school, I sort of do okay in track, driving is fun (I didn't mention that but... yeah, I like driving), and my seventeenth birthday is on Saturday. And Lily is a beautiful, beautiful goddess and I don't deserve to have her as a friend. Her and Laney think they are less important to me than they are. I'm bad at showing my true feelings towards people.



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