theolor

MyDarknessLives
2016-04-18 15:05:19 (UTC)

hit hard

Monday April 18th, 2016 at 4:00 PM

So after that long break of feeling numb I guess I forgot how bad my depression can really get and it just hit me hard a few days ago and I honestly didn't know how to deal with it anymore. Coming from a long stretch of not having to deal with it and when it hit me as hard as it did I had some serious thinking problems. I started having severe suicidal thoughts, I checked out near death experience stories to try to put together pieces of what happens when a person dies and what I collected actually put me at peace with the thought of dying. I will be honest here I even looked at suicide statistics and different methods and all that, honestly I just wish they would legalize physician-assisted suicide for people with severe mental issues and I know where I live we are a long way off from legalizing that. My thought is if someone wants to die bad enough they should have the right to go peacefully and painlessly and be able to receive help doing so in that they don't feel any pain passing on. I do not plan on killing myself while mother is alive but after she dies (hopefully not for a long long time) I don't know...

It rained here pretty hard for like 3 days and I absolutely loved it I love the sound and feel of a good spring rain and the smell in the air too. Mother says she doesn't like my hair long but now that I dyed it black (which she says she does like) I want to grow it out and keep it black honestly it is the only thing in my life I am satisfied with. I really hope that at the end of this year or beginning of next that we actually move to Revanna, it is a smaller town where one of my sister and growing up my in-family best friend my nephew lives. I have not talked with him in a long time but growing up he would always come down a whole lot staying over for the weekends and sometimes the whole summers, back in the good old days when I was a young idealistic child who had no worries or problems and when I didn't have these mental disorders and not having to take all these medications.
What I wanted to do was ask him if he is interested in photography because if he is I was hoping to buy myself a more expensive camera and give him my current one so that when I move up there we can hang out taking pictures and walking around the small town. I know this might be a little too idealistic but I need that type of person in my life.

Oh despite my depression hitting me as hard as it did and the suicidal thoughts I did NOT cut or burn myself which is a surprise, my mind was too occupied to even think about it. I like living in my dreams and I wish I could remember my dreams better but when I try to write them down right after I wake up, my handwriting is the worst it ever is and in the end later in the day I cannot even read it :( . I started and finished watching a new anime on netflix called Ajin which is about a "Demi-Human who has this ability to revive themselves after dying like if they get hit by a car, train or jump off a bridge or commit suicide any other way they come back to life (I guess in the end they die eventually of old age?) anyway if they are discovered the government catches them and does very inhumane experiments on them and tortures them to try to understand how they not die etc. Honestly this was one of the best anime's I have seen in a long time. and other than that I have been watching cooking shows like "Guy's Grocery Games". really fun to watch. Well I guess that is about it I cannot think of anything else that needs to be said.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7CuNfVq790




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