Cheese

Story of a Girl
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2016-04-15 22:12:23 (UTC)

Call it Karma

APUSH quote of the day: "The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of this life--decide what you want."

I have a tiny lil' beauty mark on the left side of my neck and it basically serves as a "target" whenever Elías decides to kiss me there-- I just found that out today and my mind has been blown. I never really knew I had a spot there until I looked in the mirror when he pointed it out but I just thought he really liked necks! And it took me nearly five years to ask "ohey why do you like to kiss my neck so much??? :o" and he was like, "oh u have a little thingy there lol." I enjoy his millions of tiny kisses on my neck, though, and I hope he never stops. He hasn't yet. Ever since the news of my arrival broke out, everyone has been treating me extra nice, my parents specifically, and they're all giving me that overprotective vibe, ESPECIALLY Elías. Like usual, he's blaming himself for the way I "turned out" and it's really not his fault at all but he's just doing everything in his power to make sure I'm safe and happy. I'm fine, I'm okay, but I'm not going to deny that I do appreciate the extra attention. When I told him what had gone down, he wanted to drop everything and immediately come see me to make sure I was alright but I somehow knocked some sense into him and convinced him to wait a while, a while being a couple of days until today. He arrived a couple of hours ago and he's been by my side ever since. I'm glad that some of my friends were all worried and all, which really reassures me, but the whole situation kind of left my parents on a sour note. My mom's super fucking pissed at my dad because the day when everything went down, he started calling his family and saying things like "Oh, I just don't understand why she's feeling the way she is, I can't believe she wishes she were dead," and a bunch of other stuff and he was in complete tears and my mom was like, "Why do you feel the need to tell the entire world about your daughter's PRIVATE issues? No one else needs to know about her mental problems." My dad, on the otherhand, is pissed at my mom because she was "dry" the entire time. I mean, she did cry when she spoke to me as they took me away in the stretchers and all, but for the most part, she kept quiet and didn't bother telling anyone. My dad called her dry, heartless, not showing signs of emotion... Haha... That's me. I'm juuuuuust like my mom. Ha. Haha. But of course, I kept that to myself. My mom may not have told the entire world, but she told several close friends like the padrino and his girlfriend, and they're treating me differently now. On Sunday afternoon, they came over and she asked if I was okay. If it weren't for everything that happened in the past week-ish, I would've taken that as a friendly gesture but my mom told her everything that happened and that question was *still* a friendly gesture, but now there's more depth to it. It's not a meaningless question or friendly gesture like it used to be. She used the same tone that my doctor used on me. It kinda creeped me out.
So, lots of things have happened since the first day of April. To begin with, I had originally planned to do tons of writing last last Friday (April 1st) about my entire school week because I was just in a really happy state of mind with a bunch of positive vibes radiating off of me. Positivity!!! Happiness!!! Socialness!!! Motivation!!! Tons of other good things!!! Like, I was pretty effing happy Friday morning because first off, it was Friday (hallelujah!) but the Thursday before, my dad had taken me to a community center. Both my parents have been putting off my therapy appointment from like way back in November but my mom has (had?) a good reason to do so. I mean, her contract ends in May so she needs to start looking for an even bigger house for like the twenty of us and this house is having rooms constructed (I'm getting my own room, yes!) and we're going to be shopping for more and better furniture so she needs to stay on top of all that but she also has to have some papers sent to immigration and in short words, she has a lot on her plate and she's been having a lot to do so I was definitely not a priority, not until recently. My dad, though, he doesn't have much on his plate besides having to make some payments and sending more money for the construction of our house in Mexico so he really didn't (hasn't?) had a reason to not take me to see a therapist. He has a certain amount of money that he sends every month and my appointments are nowhere near interfering with his regular spendings, soooo. It was actually my mom's birthday on the 27th of last month but my dad took me out to eat and he mentioned how a coworker has a daughter with issues similar to mine (I asked what she was dealing with and he said, "Problems." He made it sound like I was crazy or something) and that his coworker gave him a little card with an address on it. The coworker takes their daughter there and it's only $30 a session, but only if we're eligible for the discount because a regular session can be up to $170. So, y'know, my dad took me there that Thursday afternoon to make the appointment with a doctor, who would then give us a referral to a therapist at that same community center. Friday was the day of the appointment and I was pretty excited, although a little anxious, because I've been waiting months to have an appointment set up. The appointment wasn't until 12:45PM but my classes ended until 1:20PM so my dad decided (with the help of Bri) to pick me up a few minutes early from my sixth period... yeah, he didn't pick me up until 12:35PM and we had barely arrived at our appointment. We had to stay in the waiting room for a few minutes while my dad filled out a bunch of papers and that's when a nurse called for me and brought me into another part of the building. She measured my height and weight (I'm actually a lot shorter than I thought I was but I'm definitely gaining a lot of weight) and then she took my vitals and asked me a few questions about my health, my parents' health, and a bunch of other stuff. Eventually, my doctor, who I call Carrie, came in and started asking me more in-depth questions. She took my vitals once more and towards the end of our appointment, she decided she'd introduce me to my therapist, Allison. I really liked Allison up until the point where she came in and said, "From what the doctor has told me, you have a severe case of depression and since you've mentioned you have suicidal thoughts, I'm going to have to call 911 and have you hospitalized at the nearest hospital so they can do a more accurate evaluation." So at that point, I was just about ready to scream. Of course, the interpreter was telling my dad what was just about to happen within the next ten minutes and my dad was completely freaking out. "Is this hospital visit going to cost me?" "How long will she be hospitalized for?" "My daughters need to be picked up from school, is this all necessary?" APPARENTLY SO. The hospital visit would take anywhere between four to nine hours... and there would be a bill, something Allison completely failed to mention. Of course, this was all to "help" me but I wouldn't be benefiting from the hospital visit. The only thing the unnecessary hospital visit would do is take away the money my dad had been saving up in his bank account. One of the things I wanted to talk to Allison about was that my parents make me feel like I'm a huge burden on them because I'm very costly. Like, if I ask them for a $2 pack of gum, it's the equivalent of me asking for them to buy me a new $55,000 yacht with a built-in indoor pool. I'm too much of a burden so I avoid having to ask them for anything whenever possible and having to even be at that appointment made me feel like a burden--my dad kept saying things like, "You don't even need to be here, this is a waste of my money" and "You're the most expensive out of all the girls." An extra hospital bill was something I definitely didn't need. My dad didn't want to take me to a therapist in the first place, let alone having strangers hospitalize me and STILL expect my dad to pay for the hospital bill that he wasn't asking for! It was a mess and Allison was like, "Oh, it's nothing to worry about! Look at your daughter, she's completely relaxed!" No???? I was shaking and my voice was shaking and I was just about ready to stand in front of a bus because I knew my dad was going to yell at me for being hospitalized--he did, but even I didn't see
the whole hospital thing coming. I didn't ask to be taken to the hospital, all I wanted was my effing referral. By the time my dad finished calling to work to ask for the day off, the ambulance and some firefighters were standing outside the door. One of the male nurses came in to ask some questions and they were all like, "she's nonviolent, co-operative" and then they asked me, "Are you okay enough to walk yourself out to the trucks?" I mean, shit, my legs weren't broken or anything. I forgot what their names were but I had to be taken to the hospital in the ambulance. The lady driving, I'll call her Abigail because she looked like an Abigail, seemed kind of rude. I was walking around a pole and she was like "the truck is here, honey" like NO SHIT, I WAS WEARING GLASSES. I'm not blind! Her male assistant (forgot his name but he looks like a David) was pretty cool, though. Once I was inside the ambulance, he had to strap me down and he pricked my finger and bandaged said finger--I still have the little mark on my left index finger. The drive to the hospital wasn't too bad since David was talking to me. He had just graduated from a nearby school two years ago so he's doing pretty good for someone his age. Once at the hospital, they brought me down on the stretcher, but it was really weird because everything was moving so fast and ugh, I don't know how to explain but it was weird. We had to go through the emergency room entrance and I saw a side of the hospital I never knew existed. There were people on the stretchers that were completely knocked out and there was one nurse putting something on a man's scar. It didn't look that bad to me, but Abigail and David were all like, "Did you see that man's scar? I've never seen anything that nasty." It looked really pale and kind of purple but it wasn't enough to make me gag or anything. It wasn't pleasant to look at, though. I had to sit on the stretcher for a while until they gave me a room and then the nurse there, a guy, had me strip down into a gown. He said I could keep my underwear on but everything else, like my bra, had to come off. Needless to say, I was incredibly uncomfortable and even much more because the gown straps kept undoing themselves and everything felt so airy and NOOO. A female nurse came in, Eva, and asked me a few questions before taking my vitals. My dad eventually joined us after about half an hour and by then, a doctor, Pete, came in. Eva pulled me out and took me to a bathroom where she had me pee in a cup. That was probably my first time, ever, and hopefully my last. I did a bunch of talking with Pete after my dad left to go eat subway and Pete was pretty cool. He said that my mom's house wasn't a very good environment for me and he understood why my parents weren't really taking me seriously. "It's just a latino parent thing, I get you." He eventually left and while I waited for another nurse to attend to me, a guy approached my door. He looked in and we exchanged a series of funny faces before he came into the room and handed me a stuffed kangaroo with a baby kangaroo inside the pouch. It had the hospital name stitched onto the pouch and it was a pretty cool little stuffed animal; I still have it at my mom's house in my room. The guy also has seriously pretty blue eyes. Maybe it was my "OCD" kicking it but there were tiny little pieces of fluff sticking out of the kangaroo so I spent about half an hour picking them all out and now that I think about it, I'm still pretty satisfied with my work. After a while, my dad showed up, followed by my mom, and my new baby brother. We spent hours at the hospital. I was brought into the hospital around 3PM and I didn't leave until 11:30PM-ish. My mom told me that since I wasn't dying or anything, I wasn't the doctor's top priority so every two hours or so, a doctor or nurse would come in and ask a series of questions and it got annoying after a while. It wasn't until 8PM-ish that a psychiatrist (I think) named Jane came in to talk to me and I felt SO incredibly comfortable talking with her! She had short hair and her arms were covered in tattoos and she was just fucking awesome to talk to! She mentioned that from what I had told her, there would be a fifty-fifty chance that the main doctor would send me to another hospital (an actual mental hospital) and because my parents mentioned something about not having insurance, the hospital that I would be sent to would be state owned or something along those lines, meaning they wouldn't be having to pay anything (which was good-ish news to my dad). Jane understood that I didn't want to be hospitalized, yet again, but she felt uncomfortable with the thought of sending me home to my parents. In the end, the main doctor said that I'd be better off spending the weekend at a hospital in Henderson and they had called for an ambulance to pick me up. My dad was even more upset about me having to be taken to another hospital and I was pretty upset, too. I didn't plan to be hospitalized twice, and I didn't plan on anything but my dad was making it seem like it was my fault for wanting to get some kind of help and my mom was defending me. "Stop blaming her for everything that happened today, she didn't know any of this would happen." Jane made the hospital seem a bit more optimistic, though. "You're going to be around kids who are just like you, you're going to be socializing and doing group activities, and you're going to have your own room and it won't be as bad, trust me. You're going to do just fine." And she honestly wasn't wrong. She also gave me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich since the last time I had eaten was around 11:10AM during lunch at school. The ambulance from the other hospital arrived around 11:30PM-ish and both my parents were crying minutes before I left. My dad was making a bunch of phone calls to family members, telling them that I was going crazy and my "issues" were more severe than he thought and basically a bunch of family members that I don't remember were sending me their blessings, my grandmother included. He was crying too, but I still don't believe he was being sincere. He cried, yet told his entire side of the family that I was lying about the way I felt and that I was going crazy. "She wants to kill herself, yet there are kids who are getting raped and want to live for so much more. She's just crazy. She doesn't have any issues and has no reason to be so 'depressed'." As if that was going to make me feel any better. My mom was crying as well, going off on me. "How can you say that we don't love you when I spent two years trying to conceive you? Do you know just how much we had to go through just so I could conceive you? You don't think it hurts to hear when my own flesh and blood says she wants to kill herself?" Wasn't she the one who told me to go into her cabinet and slit my wrists? Having her tell me that definitely made me feel loved, wanted. But, y'know, whatever. The ambulance people had to tie me onto the stretcher and it felt like I was in a straitjacket. The ambulance people had me tied up so that I could barely move my arms and feet around and they had pulled me out of the emergency area in the stretcher. On my way out, I saw parents and kids waiting out in the waiting room and I received so many disgusted looks. I flashed a shy smile, as if to say I was friendly and completely sane, but I don't think that really helped me... the guy who was sitting beside me in the ambulance freaked out, too, because he'd turn to look at me with every little movement that I made. The ride to Henderson wasn't terrible, but the two ambulance dudes were so quiet and still. The radio was on, so it wasn't so bad.

Arriving at the new hospital wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. I arrived there around midnight and I was immediately pulled out of the first room I was dropped off in, since there was an adult patient and I wasn't allowed to be near adults... it took me about two days to understand why. I was pulled into an office with two friendly black ladies who quickly registered me onto their system and then some guy came in to take my photo. I briefly talked to the lady, who told me I would most likely be staying at their hospital for the weekend and I'd be discharged either Monday night or early Tuesday morning.

Then, she put a yellow wristband around my left wrist to confirm I was a patient at that hospital (I think it was Sunday night when the tech, Vanessa, told me the yellow wristband was actually for adults dealing with detox and I had my wristband replaced with the adolescent one... I liked being the special snowflake). My mom later came in and told me she felt bad when the ambulance dudes dragged me off on the stretcher. A nurse came in and began explaining the type of medications that were available and then a really short lady with extremely winged eyeliner came in to show me to my room. My mom hugged me goodbye and I took some time to do a small amount of recon. At the time, the hallways seemed endless but everything felt so eerie. It could have been because it was midnight and everyone was sleeping, but still. I was trying to make small conversation but the eyeliner lady was giving me this kind of rude vibe. A lot of the staff there gave me this kind of vibe. She took me to the adolescent unit, strictly locked away from the rest of the hospital, where she showed me to my room and then had me strip out of my gown... It was too late at night to be making a scene so I just went with her. She asked if I had any scars or bruises and I told her I didn't but she still made me take my clothes off to check for herself and really, besides my own parents (as a baby), there has only ever been one person who has ever seen me naked and it felt kind of weird to have someone else, a complete stranger, see me without clothes. She allowed me to put my clothes on but only after she searched through them. I also wasn't allowed to put my bra back on because it had the underwires and I would probably try to hurt myself with them so I spent my first day at the hospital braless and ugh. Anyway, she was searching through my clothes and I only had a cough drop, three dollars, and my non-functioning earbuds in my packets and she took them all away. She also took away both of my gold necklaces, neither of which I've ever taken off. I could have "strangled" myself with my necklaces and earbuds... She took my shoes, too, since we might be hiding something in them. Then, the gay tech (Philip, he's awesome and so nice) came in and took my vitals... that was the seventh time that day that I had my vitals taken. The night shift nurse, Grace (a cute lil' old asian woman), started asking me several questions and she was pretty funny. She asked me if I thought about suicide and I said yes and then she said, "Don't do it, you might die!" HA. She was so cute. She had me pee in a cup yet again and then asked me some more questions before sending me off to sleep. It was 1AM by then. Around 5AM, a man came into my room and took some of my blood. I had never had any blood taken before so it made my arm feel a bit limp but I quickly fell back asleep. An hour later, Philip came into my room and took my vitals. Not much longer, it was time for everyone to wake up. We had to sleep with our doors open so that the nurses and techs could check for our breathing. As explained last Tuesday afternoon by my lovely tech Talia, they're supposed to come into our rooms every fifteen minutes and flash a flashlight on our chests to see if we're still breathing, but the rest of the techs usually just flash a light in our eyes, yell "ARE YOU SLEEPING?" and write it down. Early Saturday (April 2nd) morning, I stepped out into the lobby room (literally right outside my room) and noticed just how many kids there were. Everyone was groggily watching Looney Tunes on the chairs and then Grace had us line for breakfast. It was around 6:45AM in the fucking morning and everyone was still visibly tired. Walking to the café felt weird. Like, we had to walk in a single file line and to me, it felt like we all had chains around our hands and feet and it felt like a prison. At the café, the girls invited me to sit with them and I learned a little bit about them and the kids there. When I first arrived at the hospital, there were 8 kids; four girls, four guys. I've changed some of their names just in case. I don't know if any of them will ever find this, but I just want to play it safe. Anyway, the first girl I talked to was named Maiely. She's a 16 year old filipino girl who has an incredible obsession with fried chicken and anything that has the words "fried" and "chicken" in them. She's from the west side of town, but she often visits my ghetto side of town. She also tends to get high off of whatever is possible, including the meds that the hospital provided her with. I had grape powerade in the bottle the hospital provides for us and she said, "That looks like lean!" so I said, "And the machine has sprite, too, but too bad you don't have jolly ranchers or Nyquil." so she was like, "Oh shit, no one at this asylum knew what lean was before you came!" So that was the beginning of our super awesome friendship. She was also the most upset about my discharge, too. She's actually pretty ghetto for someone from her side of town but her story for being at the asylum was that her brother was abusing her at home and her mom wasn't very fond of her smoking weed or drinking alcohol. She also still tends to binge and throw up afterwards (our tech Gus took note of this when he thought we were both throwing up, loooong story) so she's been having to stay at the hospital longer than the others, not to mention that she's not showing much progress so that's a huge setback. She's pretty cool, though. She has to twerk at least five times a day--the minimum, obv--and her favorite baby daddy at the hospital is Jamal, a fine black man. Every time that we passed by the café, she yelled out, "JAMAL, WHERE YO ASS AT?!" and she'd linger around as much as possible to catch a glimpse of him on our way and out of the cafeteria. She also needs to dab at least three times a day and she plans on overdosing on fried chicken once she's discharged. Between all of us there, we had this inside joke (her eyebrows are very light so it looked like she didn't have any eyebrows) so when we'd go up to the recreation room, one of us would paint a bird and then yell out, "Yo, Mai, are these your eyebrows?" She actually buys her hair dye at a store near the end of the block from where I live with my mom so she basically knows where I live now. Maiely is cool, basically. The next girl is Courtney. She's actually from out of state (Arizona) but she's still cool. She's a cheerleader, so that's something that we both have in common. She has trouble with her scorpions while she's being held up, kind of like me, so that's nice. Aside from the cheerleading, I think she mentioned playing on a volleyball team and it was kind of obvious when we were taken outside to play volleyball. She's a very sporty girl and she's a 14-15 year old sophomore and I was really surprised to find out she was taking AP classes. At my school, AP classes are only available to juniors and seniors so it surprised me when she said she was an AP student. She's also somehow best friends-ish with Anne. Maybe the rules are different in other states, I don't know, but she said she wanted to graduate high school with her AP diploma so she's pretty ambitious and obviously intelligent. Anne is just... ugh. She's 12 years old and she says she's very mature for her age but she's really not. She's a bit more mature than any other twelve year old, I'll give her that, but I wouldn't say that she's as mature as she thinks she is. Throughout my stay at the hospital, I had different periods where I thought she was pretty cool and other periods where I wanted to smack her head against the wall. Like, I think it was maybe last Monday night where I was coming out of the shower and we all had to stay in the lobby and I was fingerbrushing my hair because we weren't allowed to have any combs or brushes and she said, "Aww, you have pretty hair! Can I braid it?" and that was just one example of her being really cool, but that's also the only example that I can think of. Other times, I was trying to avoid being bitchy to her. For the majority of my days there, we would be taken outside for about half an hour and we would usually play volleyball. Along with Courtney and Maiely and the rest of the kids there, she would join us in a game of volleyball. She reminded us every day that she "knew" how to play volleyball but she also made it very obvious that she didn't have any idea what she was doing. She would make sure EVERYONE knew, "Guys, I'm serious, I'm not going to run from the ball this time!" but she always ran from the ball. If the ball was coming at her, she'd either just stand in her spot and duck if the ball flew over her or run off the court and say that she wasn't ready to play just yet. It got old real fast. It was last Tuesday afternoon when Courtney and Sandra were teaching her how to toss the ball the first time we went outside that day and it was in the afternoon when she actually HIT the ball instead of running away. What bothered me the most was the fact that she felt like she was suddenly the best volleyball player walking the planet. I hit the ball several times but she'd be like, "Um, Bianca, hit the ball like this, not how you're hitting it" and I did my best to not bitch at her but I was like, "I know how to play volleyball, and I don't want to hit the ball like that because I serve better like this." I mean, I've never played on an actual volleyball team and I don't play it competitively, but I'm not terrible at volleyball. I'm a bit better than decent but not great, y'know? Having a twelve year old tell me how to play a game really ticked me off that afternoon. OH. And I also wasn't the only one who had issues with her. We started playing BS the Saturday that I arrived there and the game was fun and all until she started calling BS on everyone and it completely ruined the game for everyone. Even if the player wasn't lying, she'd call BS and take all the cards so that everyone else was forced to lie because she had the entire deck in her hands. Matthew, one of the guys there, especially had issues with her. She'd often sit next to him and look at his cards and then claim she "just knew he was lying" and they both called BS the most. There was a time when she called BS on one of the other dudes and Matthew flipped the cards for her (she didn't want to get up) and then she wanted HIM to take the stack of cards, even though she was the one who called BS. "Kay, well, you touched the cards so you have to take them now." and Matthew basically made her cry after lashing out on her for being bossy. TRUE, THOUGH. She wanted to be the first to do everything. She wanted to be the first in line, the first to call home, the first to shower, the first everything. She also wanted everything to be her way. We were playing BS and she said, "In my way of BS, if you touch the cards, you have to take them so you don't have to call BS. Since you touched them, you have to take the cards." and Matthew spoke for literally everyone who was playing, "...Why are we playing YOUR way? Not everything is about you, you whiny little bitch." She was discharged last Monday afternoon, thankfully, and literally all of us besides Darren and Corbin were talking hella shit about her on our way to dinner. That same Monday, we were getting breakfast and I had put down my bottle on one of the seats and she later came and handed it to me and said, "Oh, I'm sitting here. You're sitting over there." I was like, biiiiiiitch, who the hell are you to tell me where I can and can't sit? I got there first, it was my seat. But because I wanted to leave the hospital as soon as possible and good behavior got me a long way, I stopped myself from making a scene. But if my good behavior didn't help me leave the hospital quicker, I probably would've lashed out on her too. She also later came by, threw her worksheet at me, and said, "Here you go, soccer mom!" as if I was honestly going to hold onto her paper. OH. Then there was the time when she decided to throw her cards at Maiely because she won a game of BS (first and only time she ever won BS) and she thought that Maiely's annoyance was funny. She kept laughing and she threw her cards down Maiely's back while Mai said, "Fucking stop, you're really pissing me off." And Anne just kept laughing and I really just wanted to tackle her onto the floor. Everyone else were busy sitting in their seats, obviously wondering if Mai was going to attack Anne for being a brat. Needless to say, I don't have anything nice to say about Anne and I'm glad she was discharged to another long term hospital. Literally, not even half an hour after she was discharged, we all just started ranting about how much of a brat she was. Courtney told us this, "So this one she time she asked if I thought she was bossy and I said 'yeah' and she flipped out and yelled out, 'What?!?!' so I was like, 'I meant no, you're not bossy!!' HELL YEAH SHE IS." She also made a huge deal about her reasons for being at the hospital. She'd always be like, "I have bigger issues than you, okay? That's why I'm going into long term and you don't know anything about me so shut up." Okay, well, she didn't know anything about us either, yet she always made assumptions.

And now onto Sandra! She is basically me. She's mexican-cuban, pale, and a geek juuuuust like me. She's also vegetarian so I know how much she struggles in a household where every meal includes chicken and meat. She's also a huge anime weeaboo and she's accepted the fact that she hasn't outgrown her anime phase like I have. She's basically the weeb that lives on tumblr 25/8 but she's also really dark and "emo," as she said it herself. She's 17, a feminist, and lesbian (or bisexual, she mentioned having ex boyfriends before but I don't know?) but she's really fucking funny and she's basically my twin, physically.

It was Tuesday during dinner visitations when the cooks gave out small pieces of corn for dinner so I grabbed a couple of packets of mayonnaise and put them on my corn and Maiely was like, "Oh shiiiiit, you from the east side!" so she did the same thing and I yelled out in spanish, "THIS CORN NEEDS CHEESE" and Mai yelled out, "HELL YEAH, I NEED ME SOME FUCKING CHEESE AND TAPATÍO" and later on while the techs took our vitals, Sandra asked me, "Did you hear what my dad said about you?" so I said, "No, what did he say?" and she said, "He said 'esos pinche mexicanos y su queso.' That's how he knew you were mexican." She's amazing. She's my height too so she was really happy to not be the shortest person at the hospital (that was before Jordan arrived) but she thought I was some kind of fairy or something because when we played volleyball, she couldn't hit the ball over the net and me, being the same height, could hit it over the wall and over into a separate unit if I wanted to. She's also a really great artist and especially wonderful with watercolors. I drew her as a slug one time, Monday the fourth, I think. She's a very pretty slug.

Sandra: Blehhhhhhhhhh, I'm a slug. *sliding off chair*

Me: You're a slug.

Sandra: I AM A SLUG.

Me: Slug.

Sandra: Yes.

Me: Sluggy slug?

Sandra: Das me... DAS I.

Me: I shall call you... Slug.

Sandra: BLEHHH.

Me: And I shall draw your sluggish portrait at noon in le rec room.

Sandra: And I shall love said portrait. Le watercolors make me shine, please. Make this slug look beautiful.

Me: You are beautiful as you are but I shall make you brighter than the stars in the sky, browner than the chocolate brown in your eyes.

Sandra: Sing to me, peasant. Make my heart melt with your soft words.

Me: You are... a slug.

Sandra: I love you, you mere human. I love your sluggish humor.

She enjoyed using "shall" and "le" in every sentence and after a day or two, it kind of rubbed off on me. She's cool. And now onto the guys! There's Matthew, a fourteen year old black boy. The fact that he's black makes this super stereotypical and "racist" and it's a really important detail. As an elaborate April Fool's joke, so beginning on Thursday the 31st of March, he began calling every male staff member at the hospital "dad." He explained to me how his birth dad left him and his mom when he was three years old so he never really knew his birth dad and this is funny because you know how there's this assumption that most black men (or just men in general) won't stay with their girlfriends if they get pregnant? Or how most kids don't know their dad? This made his April Fool's joke funnier, basically. He called the gay tech, Philip, his dad and Philip actually went with it but I didn't start understanding the joke until a few hours into my first day. We were eating lunch in the café when a black nurse came in and Matthew whimpered, "Dad? Is that you?" and we all laughed. On the way out, Maiely was checking out Jamal in one of the rooms and he yelled out, "DAD, ARE YOU HIDING FROM ME?" AHAHA. And basically, until Matthew's discharge on Tuesday, everyone (Sandra and Corbin specifically) made fun of Matthew's missing dad and Matthew was a good sport about it. He was the one who made the jokes in the first place and he was okay with the rest of us making jokes every once in a while. If a male tech passed by, whatever color skin, we'd all yell out, "Dad?" and Matthew would be like, "Yo, bros, stop, that was only an April Fool's joke." but he laughed along with us so everything was alright. He also liked to say "that's racist" to everything. We were playing BS this one time and I pulled out a red four of diamonds and he called BS on my card. I wasn't lying, but when he took my card, he yelled out, "Oh, so it's a red card? Why didn't you put a black card in? HMMM?" so I smiled at him and said, "it's because you're black." So everyone laughed, including Matthew, and he was like, "Now THAT'S racist." But sometimes if we had a conversation over food he'd be like, "they only gave me two packets of ketchup instead of three, racist motherfuckers." We all enjoyed the "racist" humour, though. Everyone, besides Anne, knew what the limits were so we wouldn't have made any black or white people jokes if we knew someone wouldn't be okay with it. I'm quoting him word for word, but we were playing BS and he was losing so Matthew said, "Dude, if you give me your cards, I'll be your slave for life." Maiely made several jokes about me being Mexican ("I don't speak taco"), and Maiely is absolutely obsessed with fried chicken, unlike Matthew, who really likes rice. We all made white people jokes, too, but Anne was the one who had a stick up her ass when Matthew said that pop music was "white people music." But even before that, Mai changed the radio station to a hip hop station and Anne told Matthew to change "the black people music." All I'm saying is, Matthew didn't throw a fit when she said that. OH. The most important thing about Matthew is his kinky infatuations (jokesss) about older women. Most of the channels on the television were blocked (we weren't allowed to watch the news or movies because they would "mess" with our minds) but out of curiosity, he looked up channel 500 and... porn. Lots of porn. Porn you pay for. Those were obviously blocked for reasons that don't need to be stated but Matthew absolutely enjoyed reading the titles out loud when the techs or nurses were listening. "Hot, Young, Stepmom... Orgasm Orgy... She's Wet and Wild... HMMMM." and this would often lead to the techs turning the television off, haha. We were watching Rapunzel on Disney on Sunday (the third) because it was our movie night and there's this scene where Rapunzel is chained by her evil mom in the tower and she's warning Eugene about something. Matthew said, "Ooh shit, Disney is kinky... It's okay though, I like my women chained up." and then he started making jokes about the evil mom being "a hot milf I'd totally fuck." We were all like, "DUDE, SHE TURNED INTO DUST. SHE'S OLD AS HELL." but Matthew was like, "And? If the pussy's good, I won't mind. She looks hot with the magic spell and she's into some kinky shit, that's my type of woman." Matthew also has some anger issues that I won't talk about, but he was basically the clown of the original group, the group that was there for my first day at the mental hospital. Now, if I had to choose a favorite guy from the hospital, it would have to be Gunnar. Gunnar was the most troubled out of everyone in the adolescent unit, BUT, he was also the nicest. He's fourteen, white, and he has serious issues and there's no way for me to sugar coat it. His first visit to the hospital was two years ago when he was 12 and he admitted that he was a horrible child back then. It was bad enough for him to get booty juiced (that's self explanatory, heh). I didn't know him back then, but I'd say that he's changed a lot. He's very quiet, but he's really nice and we often joked about him having a crush on Courtney. He once spent hundreds of dollars on a girl, only to have the girl turn him down, but he looked really close to Courtney, but that may be because they were there at the hospital the longest. He was also pretty close with Matthew, too. There's not much to say about him besides the fact that he ate four packets of sugar that he dug from his trash can last Monday night and he started giggling like a maniac and everyone heard him laughing. Darren was the most quiet guy at the hospital, besides Gunnar. He's Mexican-American, fifteen years old, and he enjoyed rapping and skateboarding. He had gotten there Friday morning so he was just as new as I was. I've always felt excluded from others, and it's not a nice feeling. Sandra said that he called everyone crazy (and we said, "that's why we're here!!!") but still, I didn't want him to feel excluded. No one even knew his name... that's not a nice feeling at all. I didn't want him to feel excluded so on Saturday (the second), I learned his name and invited him to join our card game. He initially declined but Sunday morning, I invited him again and he joined our game and ever since then, he started opening up to us and talking to us. I'm just glad that I got him to join us because no one else had bothered to talk to him. He was only present in the lobby if he had to be there but at other times, he was sleeping in his room and at one point, I saw him crying in the lobby. But ever since I left, he's been laughing and smiling more and he's started becoming more social with us, so I'm glad that he started joining our activities. He's a really nice kid and his brothers came to visit him every day during visitation hours. Last but not least, there was Corbin. Corbin is a 17 year old boy who is from New York and he's made three different visits to the hospital, but each visit for different reasons. His reason for his latest visit is due to his schizophrenia. We got along really well because no one else in the unit was as informed about schizophrenia as I was. I've learned to handle Elías's episodes and how to comfort him so I was able to talk to Corbin about episodes, medication, and the methods I use to calm my boyfriend when he has an episode. El tells me about the hallucinations he experiences and the voices he hears and Corbin got really excited when I could "relate" to the things he was going through. Corbin is the tallest guy in the unit (6'1") and he's also the loudest (next to Matthew who ranks in second place, Anne being the first) and the most talkative. He once found me and told me he thought he was annoying because he spoke a lot and he DOES speak a lot but I tried my best to word this nicely. "Well Corbin, that's why I like you. I'm a very shy person and I often don't have a lot to say so people like you really comfort me and push me to be more social." He took it nicely, but I wish I could have worded that even better. The last person of the original group to show up was Zoe, my roommate. I honestly don't have a lot to say about her but I had a feeling that she wasn't very fond of me, even though I never really spoke to her. This only came to mind when she said, "Maybe you could room with Sandra and I could room with Maiely." And I'm the last person she'd like to talk to, always giving me a dirty look. Like I had done with Darren, I tried to get her involved with the rest of us but she didn't want to participate as much, something that the techs took notice of. She's 13, vegan, and she apparently has a youtube channel with 10k subscribers and she would like to have 100k. She's really quiet, even when she talks, which is why I don't really want to talk to her. She also gets really emotional with music. I forgot the name of the one direction dude who left but he made a song and it came on the radio and she started crying because it was her favorite song. And that concludes the original 10 kids at the hospital. Ten is also the maximum amount that the hospital supports but that's apparently a lie! Between Sunday and Wednesday of last week, we received Abbigale, Jordan, Corbin (a black one, in place of Matthew, HA), Taylor, Isis, Gabriel, and Hailey-Anne. I honestly don't have a lot to say about the majority of them, but Jordan was my favorite out of all the newbies. She's 13, LOVES Pewdiepie (our question of the day was "if you could travel to any country, where would you go?" and she said "sweden" so I asked "pewdiepie?" and she squealed), and she really liked following me around, but that could have been because I was the first to talk to her. She's in seventh grade and she's the cutest little thing and I wish I could've met her sooner. The new Corbin also liked to grab my attention. He was constantly asking me questions, joking around with me, asking for my opinion, wanting to make me laugh. It was his first night at the hospital, I think, and I was one of the first few to befriend him and he was trying to impress me with several magic tricks, and I KNOW that was one of his advancements so I fortunately fooled the white Corbin to take my place in the magic trick. He even created an entire rap for me (which he rapped for me in private) where he said, "You're so pretty, and so silly, and you make my heart go willy" and that was the only line I remembered because it was the only line that was audible since his voice is so quiet and soft. He spent like three minutes rapping and I couldn't hear anything and I thought it would be rude if I suddenly said, "Yo, could you be louder and start over?" when he was halfway through. He also liked to protect me from the ball when we played volleyball. We were playing volleyball on Tuesday afternoon (the second time we went) and as usual, it was boys vs girls but he decided to join our side because the majority of the girls weren't too tall, Sandra and I being the shortest with Courtney and Mai (after Anne left) being the tallest, so he thought it'd only be fair if we had a tall person on our team. And like the first Corbin from NY, the new Corbin was 6'1". The match was just dandy and I managed to spike the ball somehow but white Corbin hit the ball back and it was headed in my direction so I yelled out "my ball!" and I was getting ready to hit it back but black Corbin had already accidentally hit the ball at an angle where it hit (and later bruised) my shoulder so he apologized about a million times for accidentally hitting me with the ball and taking my hit as well. Ever since that little accident, I found him standing in front of me so I wouldn't get hit again. That was nice of him, heh. Even though he was "protecting" me from the ball, I still wanted to hit the ball and I managed to surprise him when the ball flew over his head but I kind of regret hitting the ball because it bruised my arm, haha. It was Wednesday when Talia was nice enough to let us get some fresh air in the morning and I had decided not to play volleyball with the rest of the guys. Black Corbin came up to me and started showing off some of his best dance moves and he, yet again, performed another rap for me (and yet again, I couldn't hear a thing) and I feel bad. One of the things the techs made note of was that we weren't "allowed" to hook up. The adult patients sometimes did it but we were adolescents and a mental hospital isn't an ideal to look for a boyfriend or girlfriend... Soooo, the girls and I were gossiping and Courtney had told everyone that white Corbin had a crush on Taylor, the new girl. When I found this out, I began studying Corbin and he usually sat across from her and he'd look at her before sitting down. That was gossip piece #1. Buuuut, during lunch, Corbin had joined us and that was our secong gossip round and he had told me that black Corbin had a small crush on me (and he knew this because they were roommates). I felt bad because I was rejecting all his advances but at the same time, he didn't know that I was already in a relationship. But things made more sense. After my family session (when Matthew left, aw :c), we did a group activity and black Corbin wrote down a bunch of random stuff on my paper. He may have written down his phone number but I don't have the paper with me so I can't say if he did.

At the hospital, we did the same thing every day so I don't understand why I can't remember the things that happened each day but the hospital wasn't as bad as Jane had described it. It definitely wasn't as hyped as she had made it out to be, but it wasn't horrible. I actually kind of miss my stay there, and I miss Jordan too, she was a little cutie pie. I was told that I would only be staying there for the weekend but I was there until Wednesday noon. The social worker, Jessie, wasn't working on the weekends and needed to talk to me on Monday and Tuesday so that's why my stay there was extended but we had my family session on Tuesday and it was okay. The techs had us make daily goals (to help boost our self esteem--accomplish small goals, step by step) and my goal for that day was to have a good family session, which I guess I accomplished. Of course, my dad was still trying to get someone to agree that I had no right to feel the way that I do but Jessie politely discussed some key issues with him, something that he still won't believe because he's sooooo fricking close minded. I had a doctor there, along with Jessie, and the two had diagnosed me with MDD but my dad refused to believe that there was anything wrong with me. They would have diagnosed me with anxiety and bipolar disorder as well but that wasn't my actual reason for being there, so I didn't get a diagnosis BUT the doctor at the community center where my dad took me said she could have a diagnosis prepared for me, so I guess that's good. I was discharged from the hospital Wednesday at 12PM-ish (it was after we had lunch and we had lunch at 11AM) and I gathered all my belongings. Sandra, Darren, Courtney, and I were all supposed to be discharged the same day, but not at the same time. Sandra was the first to be discharged (she made sure to take my watercolor slug portrait of her) and I was the second to be discharged. Courtney was supposed to be third and Darren the last, but I wasn't there long enough to find out if they were discharged, sooo. My dad was pretty happy to have me back home (seeing as he told the entire world that I was home again) and he even took me out to eat McDonald's, even though I had told him that I was having immense stomach pain. If I weren't hurting, I probably would've enjoyed my meal but I just wanted to go home and take an actual shower with actual shampoo and body wash. I wanted to put actual deodorant and brush my teeth with actual toothpaste. I wanted to go home, feel at home, y'know? My dad bought us even more food after that and that entire afternoon was painful and boring. I eventually caught up with all my missed messages. The first person I called back was obviously El and he was like "omg are u hurt do u need something???" and then he was like "ok im packing my things rn i'll be there in like three hours" but I was like "BOY, I'M FINE LOL." It's nice to know that he worries. But if there's anything that I've learned while staying at the hospital, it's that the kids there are just like me. Sure, some of them are more "troubled" than the others, but we're all human beings, we're all teens, and we all enjoyed each other's company. Except for Anne. The majority of us hated her bossy little ass. Seriously, though, I LOVED the kids there! I can't stress it enough. The kids there treated me better than my friends at school. They understood my dark sense of humor, they understood what it's like to have your parents not take you seriously, they understood what it's like to see things differently. I'm not a social person but I was making so much progress within my first day there. We all enjoyed making dark and "racist" jokes, we all enjoyed listening to Drake and rock music, we all could relate to issues with our parents. They understood me, and I understood them. They're the type of people I want to surround myself with. People like Mari and Antonio don't care about me, and they definitely don't understand why I'm not as happy as they are. They don't see life the same way I do but people like Gunnar and Sandra understand and they CARE, even though they had barely met me. Some time after my discharge, I heard my dad telling someone that he was stressed out about my well-being at the hospital--stressed to the point where he was smoking up to two packs of cigarettes a day. We went to walmart and he said, "Being in a mental hospital is not fun. It's basically a prison." Well... PRISON WAS FUN. I loved the company of the people at this "prison." I was fortunate enough to have arrived at the hospital when the chill kids were there, the group was an incredibly chill group. We basically had nicknames for each other (not including the newbies):

Me: "I don't speak taco"
Gunnar: Booty. Juice.
Courtney: Gunnar's girlfriend
Corbin: Y U so tall?????
Sandra: I AM A SLUG.
Maiely: friedchickenfriedchickenfriedchicken
Anne: Bitch aka Soccer Mom aka Brat aka "I call BS on everyone bc they don't let me win!!!!"
Matthew: Hot, older milfs and orgasm orgies.
Darren: "...Who?"
Zoe: "What's ur yt??"

After drawing Sandra as a slug, I drew myself as a taco with cilantro (I did a little bit of journaling and Maiely read my very first entry, "My armpits smell like cilantro and I want to go home.") and then everyone was asking me to draw them as food. I drew white Corbin as a slice of watermelon and Mai was a piece of fried chicken and basically, it became an ongoing gag that I drew very vague pictures of people as fruit and I'm basically going to start my food collection which will be displayed somewhere in New York. And once I become a super rich and famous artist, I'm going to let the world know that it all began at a mental hospital when I decided to draw myself as a taco because my armpits smelled like cilantro. Then there was the other gag involving Mai and Sanda, who would narrate our lives when they felt like it. "There goes a wild Corbin, walking into the lobby, looking to quench his thirst but it seems there is only water to drink from... 'What's that?' the wild Corbin asks himself as he searches for the source of sound. 'Stop narrating me!' The wild Corbin begs as he runs back into his room." I especially loved when they narrated the nurse's actions. Then there was the gag that included throwing the volleyball over the wall. But the biggest running gag of all time--"You guys are crazy." "That's why we're here!!!!" We were playing Apples to Apples this one time and Anne has chosen the word "adorable" for our subject and I decided to place my card with the word "seizure." Needless to say, I won the green card but we would make jokes every once in a while. We were at breakfast the next day when Sandra yelled out, "You know what's really adorable?" and then she started jerking and yelled out, "Seizures!" so Mai said, "The chef gave you that crazy eye. He thinks we're crazy or some shit" and Courtney laughed, "That's why we're here!!!!" We loved joking about being in a mental asylum/hospital/prison/it felt like all three of 'em.

And the point I am trying to make: I liked the friends I made during my visit. I genuinely wish I could have more friends like that. I mean, I have Guy and Zachary and other friends and they're just like the kids from the hospital, but I would like my friends in my classes to be like that. The kids at my school are all about partying and sex and I'm not about that life. I like to make dark jokes and watch funny animal videos and people like the kids from the hospital are hard to find at my school.

Anyway, I've been back in school since Thursday of last week and it's been absolute hell. The Friday that I was hospitalized, I had found out that my GPA was a 3.7; the highest my GPA has ever been was a 3.8 in middle school, I think, and a 3.7 was my chance to raise my GPA to a 4.0. I've been aiming for straight As since elementary school and that 3.7 was my way to making my parents proud but NOPE. I missed three days of school, the most important days, and my GPA went down bad. It's at 3.5 now but that's the lowest it's been at. I missed two super important tests and lessons for my algebra class--I went from a 92% to 44%--so when I came back, I was completely lost with the work. Lucky for me, my grade in my APUSH class didn't drop too bad. My teacher went to Florida with his girlfriend last week on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday so for the two days that I was there, we had a substitute named Mr. Carter and he really didn't give a damn about what we did. My grade in physics didn't drop terribly, either, but I was pretty confused when I came back on Thursday. My physics teacher was taking attendance and he said to me, "It's great to have you back! Where were you?" and he was the only one who noticed I was missing so that was nice. I rarely ever miss one day of school, let alone three. We were taking notes on optics in his class but the kids had been taking notes before so the math in the work confused the shit out of me. I actually do understand the work, though. It's not super hard. I didn't miss much in my spanish class and my grade is an 82% right now but I can easily bring it back up. Saul was pretty happy to see me--he's never smiled at me so much before and he practically ran over to my seat when he walked in and saw me sitting down. He was like, "You were gone for three days, where were you?!" and he was smiling the entire period and he basically caught me up with everything that had happened in class. We began listening to my music, as usual. Hey There Delilah came on and he turned around in his seat and said, "What the hell?" Okay but, three-ish weeks into our friendship, he said he LIKED the song so it kind of surprised me when he wanted me to skip the song. I realized that he really likes Fall Out Boy, so I'm making a playlist specifically for him with music similar to FOB's. The little bitch doesn't like my favorite song of all time, either. He didn't even want to listen to it and I was secretly stabbing him in my head. My grade in english dropped down almost as bad as my grade in algebra. It's bad, real bad. I had an F, which I managed to bring up to a low D right now. I was supposed to be excused from the work but my teachers still brought my grades down and even though I'm not missing a lot of of the worksheets, I'm completely behind on the topics. My student aid teacher couldn't have cared less, since he just told me not to miss school the next day. On Friday, I went to this party for Pepe's first communion. Stephen had actually stopped by earlier that day with a bunch of flowers and balloons and it was really nice of him and we took some time to catch up. My dad really wanted me to go with him to the party but I honestly didn't want to go because I knew it would be boring so I asked Stephen if he wanted to come with me (to keep me entertained) and long story short, it started raining and it was a mess. It was raining Thursday and Friday last week and I absolutely LOVE rain, but even the flooding wasn't keeping me happy. I was irritated all of last week and I still am. My mom has been checking up on me every other day but if it weren't for the hospitalization, she wouldn't be giving a damn about me right now. She's only doing this because Jessi said so. There's a lot that I didn't tell Jessie or my doctor and that's because I wanted to leave the hospital and my parents were also telling me what to say. "If you say anything about anxiety, they're going to keep you here longer." I was supposed to be given meds but my parents refused to have the hospital provide me with any type of medication, even sleeping pills, which I desperately wanted because I still have trouble falling asleep. There's stuff that I kept from the staff and I guess the stuff that I'm bottling up is making me irritated but I'm trying to force myself to be more cheerful and it's not really working. It works for like five minutes but that's about it. But yeah, catching up in school has been hell. I'm too lazy to write about everything that happened today but I took a test in algebra today (I'm pretty sure I failed), we took some notes in apush and watched a video on the civil rights movement (the video started off saying "Harry S. Truman" and I accidentally misheard it as "Hairy ass Truman," oops) AND OH, I AM ELIGIBLE FOR A FULL-TUITION SCHOLARSHIP AT KWC. HELL YEAH. There's a meeting for more information this upcoming Monday (4/18) and I'm not sure if I'll be excused (because my APUSH teacher is going on an educational trip to NY for three days & we'll have a sub) but I'm going regardless. My GPA and ACT scores were apparently really good, good enough to be eligible for the full-tuition scholarship so yesssss. I haven't received my ACT score yet but I'm hoping it's at least better than average. I've done a little bit of research on KWC and my classmates all told me, "TAKE THE EFFING SCHOLARSHIP!!!!" but I don't know if I want to because it's in Kentucky... that's in the south... ew. I say ew because we're talking about the civil rights movement and the south is basically what we're talking about and ugh. I know that the south isn't as racist as it was back then, but I dunno. From my understanding, the south has a lot of Trump supporters as well so I wouldn't like to move across the country and have people hate me because I'm Mexican. No thanks. But then again, I'd like to show off. "All y'all bitches be getting student loans while I'm here for freeeee. Did I mention that I'm Mexican? SUCK IT." I did mention that I want to visit new places and moving to a southern state might be pretty great for me. I can finally say "y'all" without having anyone give me a funny look. Do people still say y'all in the south? Wait, do people say "pop" instead of "soda" down there, too? So apart from the little scholarship paper that my APUSH teacher handed out, we didn't do much in second period. I'm actually doing much better in physics, even though I missed out on all the notes. I'm doing really, really good and we have a test coming up so I'm confident this will be my best test yet. Fourth period, we received our report cards and Saul also told me to take the scholarship. I didn't even get a chance to finish speaking when he turned around in his seat and literally yelled out, "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, TAKE IT. TAKE IT. FUCKING TAKE IT." I only brought it up because he's a senior so he might be able to tell me more about scholarships but he told me I'd be stupid to not take the scholarship. Thing is, it says I'm ELIGIBLE, but I'll have to compete and even if I do go to college, I'm not sure I want to go to that specific college. Then again, I don't want to be paying off student loans, sooo. I feel pretty special though because Maya has a 4.0 GPA, she scored a 24 on the ACT, and she wasn't offered the scholarship so it makes me wonder, why did I get it and not her? I'll have to wait and find out. The rest of my day isn't worth talking about. Zach stopped by and he was looking through the few hospital papers I was given--nothing more than ways to calm and distract yourself. He was also reading through my journals and he pointed out, "I like how you refer to the reader, that's cool." I GET THAT A LOT. When I write, I'm actually referring to myself. I know that I say things like "you know how..." or "it's like when you..." a lot but "you" is actually referring to "me." I'm not talking with an audience, I'm talking to myself. He was like "wow it's like you're trying to connect with the reader" but I was like "lolno I'm just talking with myself." I write everything down as it comes through my mind but I'm not actually writing to a specific person or anything. But if he wants to think I'm writing to an audience, then okie dokie. His little comment actually inspired me for a story idea but I haven't been in the mood to do anything so I doubt


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