Just keep moving forward
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2014-09-18 21:20:48 (UTC)

The beginning to our goodbye

Today was interesting.. the day started without our usual call. I knew I was going to experience something new today when i first saw the picture on Facebook. who would have ever thought that a caption like "best friends forever" would ever affect me so much, seeing her be playful with someone else reminded me of her trying to get my attention. Asking me if i wanted to see videos of her Daughter and her or playing around the house. The memories came rushing in. I am reminded of the family i wanted so much and watch it slip between my fingers.
I don't know what to do anymore, i don't know how to act or treat her.. i want to pour my love,, its there.. i just cant put myself out there anymore only to see her not want me. she says that she loves me but, she doesn't see me anymore.. she doesn't ask me about my life. shes constantly pushing to move away.. i feel like i will never be worth it. like i cant do a damn thing to make her love me the way i love her.

we fought, we had plans to go out to lunch.. as much as i fought the idea at first, i knew i couldn't stay away. i left work early because she was feeling sick.. 2:50pm came by and i was back in the same spot i was when she would sneak off to sleep with Ty. she had gone out with "a friend" to Portland. i wasn't shocked to hear that she was gone with someone else. i almost wanted this to happen. i was hurt to hear the news. part of me will always want her to love and want me but, i know that just cant be. it hurt a little more that she did the very same thing she criticizes. she had gone off with someone else and didn't even let me know she wouldn't be ready in time for our plans. she said she wasn't sleeping with him and the "its none of my business if she was seeing someone or not" that "i was assuming she was just another whore" i don't want to think about her being with someone else but, truth be told. its all i can ever think about. its what pushes me to move on. i cant hold on to someone that is long gone. i promised i wouldn't call or assume shes being this way with others and i plan to keep that promise. i promise myself to do the best i can to let her go. i gave her daughter a kiss before i left, unlike her mother which i refused to kiss on the lips. i love that girl.. she has single handed her way into my heart. i deeply regret ever disregarding her in anyway. i love her more than i possibly could, she is bright, funny and has her mothers sense of humor. she is going to grow up to be an incredible woman one day. i swear, i was more jealous about seeing her playing with someone else than i was upset about her mom being with another man. that's my family.. i lost it. i can tell you how much i miss them. 

i fought the urge to kiss her on the lips tonight..i know that it would only eat at me when i would be by myself. i miss her in every single way but, i cant put myself out there just so that i can see her give it all back. i am very certain things are over between us. we barely talk, today is the first day in almost 2 weeks that i have seen her. maybe this is for the best.. i dont know whats best for me. I thought it was her.. but the more time passes on, the more i see shes okay with doing without me. maybe she has moved on. perhaps its time i stop trying to by myself time and more for myself. its hard to think about but, i see myself losing hope. i dont expect to hear from her at this point. i feel like any day will be our last. not permanently but, at least until we have given ourselves time and have completely moved on. she called me afterwards.. said she was thinking about me. i wonder how she does. does she miss  me? or was i just someone she knew would answer the phone?! i cant say for certain.. i dont want to think about it anymore.. its torture to be honest. i do it to myself. 

while all this is going on, i have found ways to keep me busy. i see myself becoming more independent again. i am finding things that interest me without the influence of others. i want to grow up finally. go to school, get a job. have something to offer to the right person. im finding my love in art, music and photography. i am starting to wake up from this codependent life that i have made for myself. meeting new people. making plans to do things.. trips, projects. i want to live for myself so that i can finally love myself the way i never could. i dont love myself at this point. i feel low, ugly and unnoticed. but, i am trying to work on this. i am going to put myself out there.. to learn, to live through things i havent. i want to grow from my past. let go of what i have to let go of and accept changes and bring new light into my life. 

i dont want to feel alone anymore.. even if i am suppose to be alone, i want to feel like at least " i am still here" like it doesn't matter if others come and go because i will never give up on myself. i should matter to myself. one day i will. 

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